Encouraging Progress vs A Little Painful Milestone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys,

hope you're all doing good!

Just posting a mostly encouraging update; but a little painful milestone too.

I was back in my ex's home city last weekend, and I felt pretty much normal!

My therapist has been super helpful; and I've been lucky to have some really encouraging people around me.

I guess it wasn't a super long term relationship either, so although it was very painful; it wasn't like a ten year marriage or anything like that.

I still missed my ex when I was over there, but I didn't feel the usual anxiety in my body; and I didn't feel like I was in "her" city any more.

I felt like I was in mine, and that I just missed her a bit.


I do feel a little stab of pain though, because I found an email in my inbox from last year while searching for something else.

It wasn't from or to her.

But it reminded me that tomorrow will be one year since I left her home city after spending two months with her nearly every day.

She wanted me to spend Christmas with her family; and I wanted to spend it with mine (after two months' non-stop being together every day, I wanted a little time to see my own loved ones).

She broke up with me; and we spent the following week or two still kissing, dating, and even slept in the same bed etc... despite... being broken up.

[YES by the way - it was a huge learning curve for me, and I won't be silly like that again...! A break up is a break up. Lesson learned. I guess I was alone in her city, I only knew her, and I didn't have another place to stay; so I was vulnerable.]


Anyway -

That 12th December 2023, we both cried, and cried, and cried, and cried all the way to the airport.

It was absolutely ridiculous.

I knew it was a toxic relationship; I reckon she probably did too.

But I wouldn't spend Christmas with her, and that was a dealbreaker for her.

And I found her controlling, which was a dealbreaker for me.

It was the first break up, followed my two more within a single month after that.

But jeez... that day was absolutely, absolutely horrible.


I feel like I'm largely over her actually - I really do.

I was just thinking how liberated I felt this morning as I jumped out of bed - I can't *believe* I got into that relationship now... it was so wrong for me.

But realising what the day is tomorrow... it just made me feel a little emotional.

And so I'm typing to a group of people who probably understand.

That's all

[SnailShell]

Hi guys,

hope you're all doing good!

Just posting a mostly encouraging update; but a little painful milestone too.

I was back in my ex's home city last weekend, and I felt pretty much normal!

My therapist has been super helpful; and I've been lucky to have some really encouraging people around me.

I guess it wasn't a super long term relationship either, so although it was very painful; it wasn't like a ten year marriage or anything like that.

I still missed my ex when I was over there, but I didn't feel the usual anxiety in my body; and I didn't feel like I was in "her" city any more.

I felt like I was in mine, and that I just missed her a bit.


I do feel a little stab of pain though, because I found an email in my inbox from last year while searching for something else.

It wasn't from or to her.

But it reminded me that tomorrow will be one year since I left her home city after spending two months with her nearly every day.

She wanted me to spend Christmas with her family; and I wanted to spend it with mine (after two months' non-stop being together every day, I wanted a little time to see my own loved ones).

She broke up with me; and we spent the following week or two still kissing, dating, and even slept in the same bed etc... despite... being broken up.

[YES by the way - it was a huge learning curve for me, and I won't be silly like that again...! A break up is a break up. Lesson learned. I guess I was alone in her city, I only knew her, and I didn't have another place to stay; so I was vulnerable.]


Anyway -

That 12th December 2023, we both cried, and cried, and cried, and cried all the way to the airport.

It was absolutely ridiculous.

I knew it was a toxic relationship; I reckon she probably did too.

But I wouldn't spend Christmas with her, and that was a dealbreaker for her.

And I found her controlling, which was a dealbreaker for me.

It was the first break up, followed my two more within a single month after that.

But jeez... that day was absolutely, absolutely horrible.


I feel like I'm largely over her actually - I really do.

I was just thinking how liberated I felt this morning as I jumped out of bed - I can't *believe* I got into that relationship now... it was so wrong for me.

But realising what the day is tomorrow... it just made me feel a little emotional.

And so I'm typing to a group of people who probably understand.

That's all

[try2heal]

Amazing what a worm they are, burrowing into us. I was driving with my best friend and my god-daughter to stores in an area where my ex used to take us and found myself shaken. As we drove away, I said "Thank you for creating a new association with this space." Next time I went, I thought of them first!
Cheers to this progress!

[SnailShell]

Yeah, it's fascinating hey!

But y'know... I don't regret the fact that things didn't work out.

I'm glad of it.

I want to be sensitive to people on this forum who aren't in that place yet; but when I look back now...

Jeez... the way her eyes seemed to go blank and black when she calmly broke things off with me... she became someone totally different for about two-three days... like she was there, but not.

The way she swore at me, threatened me, the way her face would turn when she was grinding against me in a way I never really felt comfortable with - like it was all for her; and all about her.

Thinking back to it now... being involved with her makes no sense at all - I was really knocked for six by it; but seeing it from my position now... it just seems crazy.

Getting out may've been the best break life has given me in a while - even though I didn't see it then.


And yet still sometimes... I guess I'm early in my new found strength and perspective; because I still have it in me to feel other feelings about it.

And it's still in me to feel strange things in my body when I'm in a place that we used to go to (as you said in your post).


As you also said, it's been REALLY good to go back to a couple of old places. Not on purpose, and not because I'm seeking them out.

But because - when I've found myself there by mistake (for example - last weekend, after being given a lift to a shopping mall we used to go to - buying emergency jeans before a Christmas meal); I've come away thinking:

"Yes! It's no longer *that* mall. Now it has a different; nicer memory to replace the bad."

I don't regret her leaving.

I think it was good.

Hopefully I'll be able to date again soon, and take all of these lessons forward into the next thing!