Adult Daughter Probably Has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have never joined a forum before. I have had quite a lot of experience with therapy over the years including group therapy recently and one to one currently.
I try not to label people/behaviours but so as to avoid writing a novel about the family dynamics I will say that my husband is a narcissist, blamer and emotional abuser and I have not been able to cope well with my own mental health issues and have also been emotionally abusive. It is obvious I had severe problems becoming a mother, was terrified of the responsibility and had total lack of faith in myself (following in the footsteps of my own mother) Also both times (I have a girl and a boy) I not only had no support from my husband or the health system (in Sydney) but they made it worse.
My daughter is now 40, my son is 31. My daughter controlled me and in fact the household for years, it started when she was tiny. Neither my husband nor myself set healthy loving boundaries for her. He and I had dreadful arguments that must have been very frightening. The culture he is from does not set boundaries, they shame and manipulate the children (and their spouses for that matter) to keep them in line. It is extremely controlling. I was unable to set healthy boundaries as I had not learnt that from my own mother.
Right now my daughter has realised she cannot control me any more (I had spiritual experiences which empowered me and am finally splitting with her father after 42 years!) and in order to get back in control has for some time upped her constant criticism to new insane levels leading me to go no contact as it was hurting me too much. I am grieving so much for the loss of her and my 2 grandsons aged 4 years and one year but the only way I could continue my relationship with them was by agreeing with her that my behaviour (eg not seeing them almost every weekend) is terrible and doing everything exactly how she wants me to. I do feel pretty much broken

[Arben]

I have never joined a forum before. I have had quite a lot of experience with therapy over the years including group therapy recently and one to one currently.
I try not to label people/behaviours but so as to avoid writing a novel about the family dynamics I will say that my husband is a narcissist, blamer and emotional abuser and I have not been able to cope well with my own mental health issues and have also been emotionally abusive. It is obvious I had severe problems becoming a mother, was terrified of the responsibility and had total lack of faith in myself (following in the footsteps of my own mother) Also both times (I have a girl and a boy) I not only had no support from my husband or the health system (in Sydney) but they made it worse.
My daughter is now 40, my son is 31. My daughter controlled me and in fact the household for years, it started when she was tiny. Neither my husband nor myself set healthy loving boundaries for her. He and I had dreadful arguments that must have been very frightening. The culture he is from does not set boundaries, they shame and manipulate the children (and their spouses for that matter) to keep them in line. It is extremely controlling. I was unable to set healthy boundaries as I had not learnt that from my own mother.
Right now my daughter has realised she cannot control me any more (I had spiritual experiences which empowered me and am finally splitting with her father after 42 years!) and in order to get back in control has for some time upped her constant criticism to new insane levels leading me to go no contact as it was hurting me too much. I am grieving so much for the loss of her and my 2 grandsons aged 4 years and one year but the only way I could continue my relationship with them was by agreeing with her that my behaviour (eg not seeing them almost every weekend) is terrible and doing everything exactly how she wants me to. I do feel pretty much broken

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Arben and welcome to the family here.
I have read your post a few times and can feel the pain as you recall the journey you have been on for so many years.
I have been mulling over this part of your post quite a bit:
the only way I could continue my relationship with them was by agreeing with her that my behaviour (eg not seeing them almost every weekend) is terrible and doing everything exactly how she wants me to.
In a fairly recent post someone asked whether BPD and OCD were connected in any way. They had observed that their BPD person was triggered whenever the picture they had in their head of how things should be or happen did not occur.
I could see this was the case with my BPD person and it sounds rather the same for you.
This seems to be a moment of change for you and you have been enabled to have the strength to prioritize your own health and your own life. For so many years you have had to manage  difficult situations on your own – perhaps that is where the strength is coming from.
There is always a cost when we put up a boundary on the BPD journey. You will read many posts here where being cut off from loved grandchildren is that cost. The pain of that can be unbearable.
After so many challenging years, and the pain of separation from your loved grandchildren, it is no wonder you feel broken. Tell yourself that it is normal to feel this way given these circumstances and that you will feel this way while you establish a new direction in your life, a new stage where you are able to value the gift of your own life and to wonder at being part of this world.
So often we are caught up in the turmoil and chaos of our interactions with others and there is no space to think about the value of our own lives.
I am sure you will find it helpful to read others’ posts – knowing you are not alone in the world with what is happening in your life and the pain you carry in your heart. Thank you for posting Arben.

[js friend]

Hi Arben,

My udd31 would also tell me how terrible of a gm I was and then on the other hand she would comment on how close I was to my gc and how people would often mistake me for their mother( which she hated)

I think often their is some jealousy there so the best way they cope with it is to undermine us not only as mothers but as grandparents. My best has never been good enough for my udd and Iam a failure as a parent and as a person in her eyes.... I do everything wrong. I have even been called pathetic. I truly do not know what is perfection in my udds eyes as the goalposts keep changing. One day I could do something without comment and the next day she could flip out on me. Trying to achieve that level of perfection, according udds npd is not achievable or sustainable in the real world, and I was losing myself in it trying to achieve it to keep the peace.

I have now been estranged from my gc  for the past 4years.  Apparently I put her through hell as a child and suffered with mood swings and udd her siblings were neglected....yet none of her siblings agree with this recollection.

I love that you are regaining yourself and I wish you strength in this new chapter of your life Arben