How do I deal with a son who refuses to get help and is abusive?

[Jen3242]

This is my first post. My son is 31. He lives with my ex, his father. He has never held a job longer than five months. He tried two college programs and left both. He exhibits BPD traits, in addition to Narcissistic Personality Disorder but has not been formally diagnosed. He is extremely intelligent.
I am at my wit's end as to how to have a relationship with him. I love him dearly but I cannot stand the stress of walking on eggshells. The simplest comment can be turned into a full-on horrific screaming fest at me. I have PTSD from how he has completely lost it on me for no good reason. Once it was because I unlocked the door of my car for him to get in and he took it as an affront to his manhood.
Last week, he quit his job with his stepfather, which he'd been given last August. From being happy to be given the opportunity in the beginning, he eventually began to complain about traffic, about co-workers, about how using the machine affected his neck. About how he wasn't given opportunities. About how no one knows better than he how to run things.
When he lost it on my husband, and saying he didn't think he could do it anymore, he was told to leave the building. When my husband called me to tell me, sounding as close to crying as I've ever heard him, I saw my son's number come up on my phone. I ignored it. Then came the vicious texts that start "Have a nice life. Goodbye." and then hit on the theme of how me divorcing his father ruined our family. How awful I am. How I am selfish. Etc. Etc.
I blocked him. This happened 3 years ago as well, and I did not speak to him for 3 months. When I finally decided to reconcile, he fell apart when I went to see him and said I had "abandoned him."
I am afraid I have no good option now. I cannot stand the stress of our relationship. He will not get therapy or try meds. I've never even said that I think he has BPD. He had meds for depression a few years ago and then blamed me for suggesting him, saying they messed up his head.
I have read it's a frightening diagnosis and that it's not up to me to tell him I think he has BPD and NPD. Especially if he started to google it and found how hard it is to treat.
I feel at peace when I don't talk with him, but my heart breaks for the boy he was and the person deep at his core who gives me hugs and says he loves me (on good days).
I fear this will be the rest of my life. That I have to come to grips with not having him in my life. I've tried so many times. But it risks my heart each time. I have major depressive disorder and have to take care of myself. But the guilt and manipulation hurled at me makes it so hard.
Do I give up hoping this will ever change?
His father is of no use (and is a social worker to boot, so it's even more frustrating that he has been an enabler and allowed our son to live with him, rent-free, no job, and accepting the abuse heaped on him by our son who has no respect for almost anyone.)
Sorry for such a long rant, but I am at a loss. The intellectual side of me says, lots of parents have distant relationships with their children. Simply accept that that's the way it has to be. The emotional side of me wants to fight for my son's health.
Any thoughts would be most appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I am afraid I have no good option now. I cannot stand the stress of our relationship. He will not get therapy or try meds. I've never even said that I think he has BPD. He had meds for depression a few years ago and then blamed me for suggesting him, saying they messed up his head.

Hello and welcome to the family, I'm so sorry you're in this position with your son.  So many of us here have the exact same stories with every detail ringing true.

Here's the hard truth- your son can only get better when he's ready to change.  Meds can help, therapy can help, counseling can help, but all of that is short-term in the moment kind of stuff for when your son is dysregulated.  All it does is stave off the crisis...it's a band-aid for something much more serious.  So until he actively wants to change, there's little hope for a reversal.

I know that's heartbreaking, but at the same time you need to realize that he needs to live his life on his terms, while you must live your life the same way.  You're not responsible for him and you don't have to be directly involved in his life.  That's what boundaries are for- treat me well, call me anytime.  Treat me bad, and I'll block you to protect myself.  Either way, he gets to choose...it's his choice how to treat you.  But it's your choice how to respond.

Also, don't focus on the "frightening diagnosis" part because any diagnosis (physical or mental) can be scary.  Instead, a good focal point is that BPD is not necessarily treated with medications...the "cure" comes through therapy and learning how to handle emotional swings. 

My 26 year old BPD daughter has been in your son's position and made all the same mistakes, yet she turned her life around a few years ago by actively wanting to change.  Her life isn't perfect by any means, but she does not abuse her family anymore and she has much better relationships now.  She's also holding jobs and budgeting her own money, which in itself are two miracles. 

There absolutely is hope, but your son is the one who has to choose it.  Until then, you must stop walking on eggshells, reinforce right from wrong, and keep distance when he doesn't agree.  For him to get better, he's going to have to realize his destructive patterns and that will ultimately make him much much worse.  But until he hits that rock bottom, he has no real reason to try to change.

Try to be patient and you have my sympathy- I've lived it and it's still hard to think about.  The path forward though is putting your own needs and mental health first.  Let him make mistakes and pay the consequences...that's what it takes for change to occur.