Need help

[Corey_lasvegas]

I’ve been with a woman with BPD for 4.5 years and married for 1. I’m really thinking of filing for divorce /leaving .

The lack of affection ( it’s like pulling teeth to get even a quick peck )
The lack of intimacy ( not kidding , once in the last 4-5 months )
The compulsive spending ( thereby I have to over tend myself financially , can’t save money. She blows her checks within days  )
The constant sleeping
The poor choice in friends who take advantage of her

Refusing to consistently take her meds

Labeling me as “ vanilla “ sexually ( or maybe she’s shared her previous trauma and I’m trying to be sensitive:not cause her to have flashbacks )

Why the hell am I sticking around ???? Im obviously not wanted here . She’s just interested in me paying the bills , and doesn’t give a _____ if I’m happy

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stevemcduck]

what is making you stay? I think I would feel quite happy to move on in your situation, I was with mine for 5 years and it was bliss till the last day, that's what hurt me so much. do you feel she might change? have you tried to talk to her about it?

[Corey_lasvegas]

I’m honestly not sure . I’ve been here 2 months and I’m just extremely lonely , depressed and if I’m being honest ….ive got the suicide prevention hotline pinned to the top of my text threads because I constantly think she and everyone else want me gone .

[losthope1234]

Hi..i am sorry you are going through such a hard time. Are you living separated currently? Like steve asked, what is preventing you from getting the divorce that you are looking for? are you emotionally attached to her deeply, or is it due to some legal reasons?

[stageaman]

I can feel your situation, as I was together with a (suspected) BPD woman for 10 years in situationship phase (5 years within the same city + 5 years long distance). Back then my awareness was still poor, until I realised that she might have it, as well as me myself. She provided me care and love, but also punishment i.e. silent treatment and some other aggressive behaviours i.e. verbal abuse and gaslighting. I was also questioning myself, and my surroundings too, why and what was it for, surviving for 10 years full of traumas.

However, have we identified some kind of "addiction" on reward + punishment cycle? After all of those negative things, I (at least) felt a sense of "acceptance" whenever she ended her negative attitudes and transitioned into loving mode again. I also rarely received appreciation, if she did not need me in particular case. The cycle continued as she felt that her being "normal" again was enough or justified already, rather than she had to put extra effort.

Unfortunately we must be able to find an exit within that reward + punishment cycle by ourselves to survive. In the last year of my relationship, I was able to be more assertive to challenge her beliefs and argumentation, though deep inside I was still feeling vulnerable to lose her. Eventually she never come back again after the last dramatic fight. I myself has a BPD but with different symptoms (without aggression) hence got very attached to her. Being aware on the state of ourselves would definitely help. Maybe try to reflect repeatedly: "what am i looking for in this kind of relationship?"