Emerging traits

[Yana001]

Hi all, 14yrs old stepchild with a reportedly long history of self harm(approx 3yrs) and eating disorder (approx 6yrs) does not have diagnosed BPD but therapist and family members with medical backgrounds are highly suspecting it. 
Short History: January Suicide attempt at biological mothers house. No medical assessment took place. Self harm was revealed to bio mom- weekly therapy started which was followed by therapist recommendation to get assessed for expressing suicidal ideation at ER or local psych ward about 1 or 2 weeks later. Did not get hospitalized but it was decided that a move to biological fathers house might be helpful. Moved in February. Eating disorder revealed via observation and her  verbally admitting to binge/purge/restrictive eating by April. Shipment of razors and band aids intercepted in May followed by an event of self harm that led to inpatient admit for 7 days. Released home and currently attending eating disorder PHP until they can assess if residential is appropriate for her. Inpatient psych MD absolutely recommended residential placement but was not able to refer to eating disorder residential since the admit was based on non suicidal self harm.

I saw another thread with the following questions. I'd like to see what you all would reply with if I answered them:

Is your [14D] generally compliant with going to treatment? What I mean is -- sure, she might verbally say "I hate this, I don't want to go, you're ruining my life", but fundamentally does she go?
-YES! She states she hates the program, but only agrees to participate to "make [us parents] feel better/safer". Gets ready and attends without a fight.


 Doesn't try to run away, leave the office/facility, etc?
-No, she says she actually fears getting in trouble.

Does she seem to want help with having better friendships/relationships?
-Says shes lonely but "hates her peers" and refuses to join any sports or clubs. Keeps in touch with the adolescent psych ward friends, "feels good to relate to people".

Who else lives at home -- do you have a spouse/partner? Other children? How's the family doing?
-My husband is bio dad and learning to how to be full time dad for the first time- on top of full time dad in crisis. There's def struggle there. Her step siblings, brother15 and sister12 - brother wants to help but feels helpless and sister feels like she has to walk on eggshells. They're used to a fairly peaceful and super corny wholesome humor type home. Now theres a lot of sarcasm, borderline disrespect towards the males only, and misunderstanding amongst everyone and its definitely changed the atmosphere at home.

Wanted to also ask you all, does your BPD child constantly ask for something every day? Could be make up, coloring book, small stuff all the way up tohigh cost items like salon services, animals. When she'd visit before, prior to moving in, she'd only have one or two big items she'd ask for but now its a consistent basis and she states that she has a shopping addiction, and it makes her feel complete to get whatever the item shes asking for.  Its so overwhelming to navigate the mental gymnastics of saying no in ways that won't result in a negative reaction or make her feel like she has to isolate. Im so tired and its only been a couple months.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Yana001
Hi Yana001 - so glad you mentioned this. My GD who shows signs of BPD - her mum is diagnosed - becomes obsessed with buying something, getting an animal etc. I can see that it is a way of focusing her racing mind - and then getting the thing feels like a reward.

I would be interested to hear from others whether they notice this as a connection to BPD. I tend to think it is connected to ADHD which I think GD has and is a co-morbidity of her mum's.

I wonder if you can space things out a bit ie say she can get something on Friday - a way of keeping her focus but less frequent than daily? Not easy I know - probably impossible if my experience is anything to go by.

My goodness you have been thrown in the deep end . . . and your children! Really feel for you all!

[js friend]

Hi yana001,

My dd was described as having emerging personality disorder traits when she was 14yo too. She is now 31yrs old and I would say that she has an online shopping addiction which I would describe as being completely out of control.

When she came back to stay with me in her early 20's after the birth of my first gc she would order something everyday. I did question her about why she felt the need to buy stuff everyday considering she had a young baby to think about . I didnt really get an answer other than it was only small stuff to which I pointed out that all these "small stuff" were adding up to a very large amount  of money over time. When she left my home to get her own place many of these items that she thought she needed in that moment were left behind.

So  dd moved out and got her own place. I did some babysitting and there was a laptop with a smashed screen lying on the floor (I can only imagine how that happened....she used to do a lot of online dating at one point) which she tried to blame on me when she returned and wanted me to reimburse her. I said I wouldnt and it was that way when I first walked in. She  had no problem ordering a new one.

Years later somehow it came up talking to gc  that dd was still ordering  stuff online and that they would go to the post office after school if dd had missed her deliveries,  and that gc was getting frustrated with doing this as she was tired and  just wanted to go home and not have to go out again after a long day at school to get these packages. I really think that dd thought that gc would probably she her excitement in collecting these packages too but it was just having the opposite effect on gc.

I think that my dd enjoys the thrill of receiving something in the mail. She has never enjoyed the face to face of shopping even as a child. She always appeared to be nervous when were out shopping and she wouldnt even speak most of the time while were out.
Now I think it was probably almost too overwhelming for her and she gets more satisfaction from online shopping where she doesnt have to interact with anyone. I also think she gets bored pretty quickly and it makes her feel good for a moment until that wears off and she has to do it all over again.

Also the dsm has impulsivity listed as one of the of the 9 criteria of BPD which can also include overspending, hypersexuality, reckless driving, substance abuse, gambling etc