queasypotato
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married and Living Together
Posts: 1
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« on: June 27, 2025, 11:00:54 PM » |
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Hello, all. This is my first time here, so thank you for reading through. I'll try to be brief.
My husband and I are both trans and queer and we have been together for 15 years. We have done our transitions together, faced family estrangement together, and have stayed together despite a lot of setbacks.
About a year and a half or two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with BPD. We've always fought a lot and trigger each other sometimes (both of our mothers were also BPD), but we have always tried to work through it.
Lately, though, it feels as though things just won't improve anymore. I see 2 therapists regularly--a talk therapist and then a DBT therapist. I work hard to try and implement all the things I learn, but my husband is currently not seeking therapy (although he has for many years).
Each time we fight, I try to use the things I learn to take accountability, reassure him, express my feelings, but every time I improve on one skill a new issue pops up. First, he would go into a rage because I 'never apologized'. When I started apologizing more, it was because I 'didn't share my feelings with him'. When I shared my feelings more, it was 'you need to validate my feelings, not talk about yours'. Continue that cycle into infinity. It often feels that every time I improve, the goal post gets moved further along. Sometimes it feels as though I will never improve enough for him.
Meanwhile, I'm struggling as the only one working, making sure our apartment stays clean, managing all of our bills, and ensuring that he has the right kinds of food in the house to avoid his splitting.
I'm feeling so lost. I have few friends and all of my family is estranged because I am trans. We love each other very much and I know that this illness must weigh so heavily on him. But I also feel as though my own feelings and worth have been completely overshadowed by his extreme needs. I admit that I am not healed from my own mental health issues and I know that there are definitely things I need to improve on.
I supposed I'm curious if others have been in this kind of situation and what, if anything, worked for them to improve their situation. I think I'm also just looking for other people who have experienced this so that I don't feel quite so alone.
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