Second post. Really confused.

[Popcorn27]

Hi,

So I posted probably a couple months ago explaining my situation with my ex friend/intimate partner. Essentially we were really close after being friends at first. We hung out all the time at college and hooked up multiple times but she was always scared of doing too much. And when I told her I liked her she said we had to stop. But we were still friends for a couple months until I said I needed a couple weeks because being around her just as a friend was hurting me mostly because I knew why she wanted to be friends which was her fears and bpd. She always said she didn’t love me but her actions said otherwise. I was the person who comforted her when she needed it and she was mine as well. Then at a student dean meeting she set up she said I scared her and sexualized her and gave her nightmares and said she wanted no contact.  Now about a month ago, four months into the split, she unblocked me on Instagram but then quickly reblocked me. There is a chance two weeks ago she did it again but I’m not really sure. She just came back to college, which I graduated in May but I live five minutes from campus and a close friend of hers is leaving to go abroad. Is the unblock a sign that she wants to come back or is it just random stuff that means nothing? It’s really hard because I love her and I know a split could happen again but I need to try at least one more time. Also she has been in therapy for years about bpd and is very aware she has it and knows about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Popcorn27]

I think the question also got lost in this long paragraph haha. Here it is: does this unblock (and maybe two idk Instagram is weird) mean she is trying to or wants to come back? Basically what does it mean?

Thanks.

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are inconsistent in moods, perceptions and behavior.  My phrase is predictably unpredictable.  So it's not surprising the blocking and unblocking has triggered feelings of reconnecting.  However, this concerns me most of all:

Then at a student dean meeting she set up she said I scared her and sexualized her and gave her nightmares and said she wanted no contact.

If she went so far as to get a level of officialdom involved such as college officials while saying she feels victimized, I would caution you not to restart contact with her.  You ought to avoid the risk of her casting you as a "perp".  In a Borderline's perceptions, their comfort zone at times is to feel a victim, making you the persecutor and the third party the rescuer.  Read about Karpman triangle dynamics.  These days, when the savior or rescuer is officialdom, you risk suffering extraordinary - and undeserved - consequences.  As the saying goes, "If it has been contemplated, actually happened or been threatened, then it will happen again, given enough time and opportunity."

[Popcorn27]

Yes and that has gone through my mind the risk of if she doesn’t come back and I accept her back what will happen next. During the meeting she wasn’t really mad or angry, she was scared. When she said these things it wasn’t accusing me and more so saying I said things but I maybe didn’t mean them. It wasn’t as hard a stance as, you are bad and a horrible person. I also see it in my mind as she said what she said but that isn’t her. For months and months she is the sweetest human being on the planet then this.

I’ve made up my mind that if she comes back I will accept her but with boundaries and an understanding of what I’m putting myself into again. But that’s the exact question that eats at my mind, “will she come back?” Nobody can know, I understand that. But if someone who hates me and has split me all black still sees me as that, then why would they even attempt to unblock me unless they don’t see me like that anymore and feel the pull.

I understand your caution and it most likely is correct but I have to try one more time with her. My mindset in life and the love I have for her won’t let me do anything else.

[Under The Bridge]

But if someone who hates me and has split me all black still sees me as that, then why would they even attempt to unblock me unless they don’t see me like that anymore and feel the pull.

Even of they've split you black and apparently don't want anything to do with you again, they still don't want to be alone and always need 'an option'. Her emotions are changeable literally minute by minute, hence one minute you're blocked and a villain then you're unblocked  - it really is like a small child constantly changing their minds about who is their friend and who isn't.

BPD's are capable of saying things which are so totally blatantly untrue, re-writing things to make themselves the victim. For example, my ex-BPD once waved her hand in my face yelling 'You never buy me anything!'  On that hand - right in front of her face - was a very expensive gold, sapphire and diamond ring I'd bought her (one of many items of jewelry). She was totally disconnected from reality and was capable of saying or doing anything. 

Though we know the things we're accused of are untrue, it's very easy for others to take the side of the BPD, especially as most are skilled at appearing normal to others, keeping their emotional outbursts purely for their partner. The fact that she has gone to officials regarding your alleged abuse is very worrying - maybe the official has now mentioned it to others and as the saying goes, 'mud sticks'.

We totally understand the need to give it another try, as we've all done this. None of us have given up easily as we remember how amazing our partner can be but its important to remember that BPD is a repeating, cycle-based condition. It is not a 'one time only' illness and will not magically improve without treatment.

You definitely need to set and maintain boundaries if you contact her again.

Best wishes.

[Notwendy]

I think it's significant that she's in college- as this indicates she is young and also because of Title IX guidelines. Whether or not a person has BPD- at college age- they are still young and she may not be ready or certain of what she wants in a relationship. Even if she has BPD, she still can decide about a relationship and also change her mind like anyone else.

Colleges in the US are required to follow Title IX guidelines which protects students from any kind of sexual harrassment. Since she went to the Dean of Students, and stated she felt scared and sexualized, this means she reported it and it is likely documented, with a "no contact" as the consequence/agreement.

Even if you feel you didn't do anything wrong, or feel that the accusation was false, this is how she felt, and the college was obligated to follow up on her report. If this happens again, the college will take this seriously.

I don't think there's an accurate way to interpret the unblocking. Sometimes people look up people on social media, just for curiosity. Knowing that she's already involved the Dean of Students, consider the risks to you if you communicate with her, especially if you are breaking a no contact agreement. Your graduation doesn't change that. As long as she's a student, title IX applies to her.

[Popcorn27]

We totally understand the need to give it another try, as we've all done this. None of us have given up easily as we remember how amazing our partner can be but its important to remember that BPD is a repeating, cycle-based condition. It is not a 'one time only' illness and will not magically improve without treatment.

You definitely need to set and maintain boundaries if you contact her again.

Best wishes.
[/quote]

I will definitely set boundaries and talk about it with my therapist if she does come back. I also understand that without treatment it’s almost impossible for someone to get better with bpd but she is in treatment and has been for years and not only that but she is very aware she has bpd, not that that will solve anything but it’s better then denying it. Going into it again, if it happens, I will know the same thing can happen. I can live with it knowing I tried. It would hurt a lot if I couldn’t or didn’t though.

[Popcorn27]

Yes, Notwendy, she is twenty. I think the biggest thing with her is that she is scared of intimacy and love. The physical part isn’t the problem it’s the emotional side. Also she split when I said I needed a break which triggered her fears of abandonment. Now five months later she unblocks me for a second. She was never really angry just cold and scared.

As for the title x stuff I know that it could be a problem but even the dean of students sat with me after she left the room and he knows she has bpd as she told him and told me that not everything she said is necessarily true. So I think he knows that what she said isn’t the complete truth. This isn’t to say it couldn’t be a problem if she splits on me again.

Also sorry the quoting is confusing as my last reply it didn’t work.