Setting boundaries for Christmas

[StAnne]

I’m fairly sure my adult daughter has BPD, as did her father - who I divorced two decades ago.  Her two younger sisters (both happily married and healthy) have each recently had a child (ages one and two). For Christmas week, everyone is coming to my (and my new husband’s) house that we recently moved and I’m very much looking forward to it.  My BPD daughter lives close;  the others do not and will be staying with us.   While I learned about BPD years ago (my ex had it) I never associated the condition with my oldest daughter until recently.  Yes, she had all the symptoms but masked them well with other issues (addiction).  I have always supported her and have been her safety blanket.   Recently though something triggered her and she has been sending me vile texts about how all her problems are due to how I raised her.  The texts are in large part delusional; her emotions are over the top and have little basis in fact.   Her sisters and I are very concerned.  I’ve never been good with setting boundaries for her.  My other two daughters are excited to have their families here for Christmas and told me not to worry that if she gets mean or angry or out of line they’ll ask her to take a break and leave.  They and their husbands are good at setting boundaries, but I want to be sure I also do all I can to create and maintain a peaceful atmosphere in a home we all love.  I’m reading relevant books and learned enough not to escalate or defend but it’s going to be hard.   Any advice as to strategies you may have engaged would be helpful. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders