Always my fault

[tXres200]

Every episode of disregulation of my partner turns into her slinging anger and disdain at me. Doesn’t matter who she is actually mad at. This time it was a conflict with our five year old who was acting out. Her emotional reaction escalated his. Then she took her anger out on me because I wasn’t “trying to emotionally connect with  to her”.
I am at the end of my rope. I don’t even want to go home or be around her in the days following these conflicts. I spiral into a bout of fear and anxiety. I feel the anxiety creep up each time she texts me about our relationship. We agreed not to text about emotions and she continues to violate that boundary.
Our last marital counselor refused to acknowledge her BPD characteristics. I am looking for a new one. I hate this. I deserve to be happy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Me88]

Welcome, sorry you're here under these circumstances, but believe me when I say we all know these situations. Every issue or problem somehow becomes your burden to solve and you are now the 'cause' of the issue. In your situation it's like an adult child arguing with an actual child...then you get pulled in. And sadly, she probably doesn't even know what it looks like for you to emotionally connect with her. Like their emotions, what they want also changes moment to moment.

That anxiety and fear will kill you, literally. Stress this intense is not good for anyone. And yeah, I too agreed with my ex to not have novel length text arguments about how I'm 'not showing up' properly. And like yours, that never stops...for more than a few days. Do you know why your counselor can't see these traits? Good for looking into other counselors, not to prove you right, but to make some progress on your happiness and peace.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi @tXres200, and welcome to the BPD Family!

Here it has been similar. My wife would get stressed with our 2-year-old, and then in whatever interaction I had to have with her, it would end in her shouting at me. Once she was screaming a lot in the living room with our boy, and then from the other side of our home where I was working, I asked for some silence, and she immediately shouted back, cursing badly at me. From there, she began a huge outburst all by herself.

It's important for both of you to understand where this comes from. For instance, today I had a conversation with my wife where I could find out why she is allergic to criticism. Her narcissistic father was always trying to correct her in a meticulous way while always being rude and methodical. As an emotional being with ADHD, she wasn't able to fulfill his expectations; therefore, she got overly criticized (the invalidation environment) and felt like she was an all-wrong person all of the time.

It was important for us to have this conversation so that she understands that it's not just my fault, that she is overly sensitive and overly reactive. Usually she says that everyone else would react the same way as her if they were dealing with me, but I think the conversation we had today may make her gradually move into a different perception. All I have to do is to remind her, in calm moments, of her past feelings of "being an all-wrong person." That should stimulate her brain's ACC region.

- Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC): Essential for monitoring performance, detecting errors, and managing emotional regulation and attention. It helps signal when a behavior is inappropriate and needs to be stopped

Our last marital counselor refused to acknowledge her BPD characteristics. I am looking for a new one. I hate this. I deserve to be happy.

You should not expect that from this kind of professional and this kind of treatment. If you really want a marital counselor, make sure they are experienced with BPD. But I still would not recommend you to take this path and instead use individual therapy for each one. Even because only an individual therapist will be able to help you with your current distress, and from what you posted I can tell it is huge and you can't handle any more.

You can read a broader ongoing discussion on marital counseling HERE.