Finally Making Sense of What Never Made Sense

[used2baShyFilly]

Just found this site.  I recently read Stop Walking on Eggshells and FINALLY all the confusion and pain in my marriage makes sense.  No doubt my husband has BPD and NPD.  Forty years of the same arguments, highs and lows, mind games, feeling like I'm the only one trying to make sense of it all. 

Right now I am in the process, a lifetime process I'm sure, of changing my thinking and responses, trying to balance accepting that HE is the way he is and he's probably not going to change much,  (we are in our early 60s!)with what about the rest of my life?  We also have an adult daughter with PTSD, I know that's not what this site is about, but there are similarities and any coping skills and more I can learn will help life with both of them.

That's my short introduction.  I am excited to read other posts. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi used2baShyFilly, and welcome to the family!

I started reading books on BPD about 10 years ago because of my ex-wife, and I'm still learning more and trying to further understand it. I gave up on my ex, but not on my current wife, who also has BPD but is worth fighting for. That doesn't mean, though, that I can live with her. I can't. We now live apart.

I'll wait for the treatments to make her aggressive symptoms go into remission before bringing her back.

Things get worse when both partners are together all of the time. Have you or he retired recently or begun to work from home?

[used2baShyFilly]

Hi SuperDaddy,

I've been a stay at  home mom since our first child was born 38 years ago.  My husband retired 5 years ago but works part time with various hours.  I like being home alone better than with him, so I understand the part about not being able to live together.  It seems most things we try to do together end up in a fight due to his temper flaring. 

We/he/me ;) have/has done counseling, secular and bible based.  Some has helped, some hasn't.  He won't go to long term counseling just for himself and do any digging to understand his thinking or responses but occasionally acknowledges things he does and says are not right.  We spend every morning watching a sermon which seems to be slowly helping. 

Christian counseling has helped me let go of bitterness and accept that people won't change no matter how hard I try to make them understand something.

I haven't given up and I'm in a good place emotionally right now as I've gotten a better understanding of what is going on.  My biggest challenge is balancing everything, being true to me, setting boundaries, detaching as needed for my health. 

[SuperDaddy]

Hi used2baShyFilly ,

Are you able to set boundaries? While living with my wife, I wasn't. Because the house is small, we don't have an extra bed, and I work from home. So she could keep harassing me all day if she wasn't happy with something. Because boundaries must be enforceable, but I could not enforce anything while living together.

The fact that you have succeeded with some types of counseling is quite surprising. Usually, couples therapy does not work when one of the partners has BPD, so they have to go through individual therapy, but it must be specialized.

My wife has been to different therapists, but it didn't last much. Recently I asked her if it was because she felt criticized. In response, she remained silent and just shook her head, but I noticed she was angry and felt like crying but tried to conceal it. It seems like she was holding deep shame. This is why pwBPD need specialized therapy, such as DBT, which doesn't make them feel like "an all-wrong person." You can understand this better from the words of Marsha Linehan, who created it: https://youtu.be/bULL3sSc_-I

Yes, talking to our partner won't be enough to make them change at all, because this has roots in their biology, but change is possible with specific treatments. So I still have hopes for the future.