Wise or Unwise To Discuss Their BPD with their family?

[Healthy88]

My H's family consists of 3 siblings & their spouses. Both parents have passed. Do you ever try to include them for support or is that a really bad idea?

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[ArleighBurke]

Is H officially diagnosed? If not, I would never say "BPD" to family - I would refer just to behaviours.

I would definitely ASK, but let them decide - feel them out - start small. With a bit of time you will work out where the line is - what level of support they can/want to provide.

[Healthy88]

Thanks for the suggestion. I honestly have no idea if he has ever been diagnosed. He has seen numerous counselors briefly throughout our marriage. I never met with any of them so have no idea of his diagnoses. He usually doesn't stick with it. We tried marriage counseling briefly years ago, until he wanted to quit that as well. The marriage counselor met with us both individually once. The counselor did tell me that my H would never love me, but didn't explain how he arrived at that conclusion or offer me a diagnosis. I guess he must of had one?

How many different pychiatric diagnoses are there that would involve someone being incapable of loving their spouse?

[Tattered Heart]

I tried to mention things once to my H's sister, but she didn't take it very well and didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say. I'm not sure that they could offer me much support as it is. They live 5 hours away. WE don't talk much on the phone and we see them a couple times a year.

Then again, his family doesn't really believe in psychology and they are his FOO. His parents caused him to have BPD and all of his siblings have pretty severe rejection issues. Pretty sure his dad has BPD because my H acts just like his dad. I suspect one of his brothers may have BPD, but I'm not sure because he lives over 10 hours away and we see him only a couple times a year.

I personally try to keep family out of our relationship issues. My family knows he has BPD and I explained it as best as I could without going into the dirty details of things. I had to tell them so they could understand when I have to cancel plans or can't visit as often as I would like.

[isilme]

Seeing as the Family of Origin (FOO) is often part (not all, but part) of the cause of your loved one's BPD, and many members may also have the same or similar issues, it's probably not a good idea.

You are not sharing that your H has diabetes or cancer.  You are trying to find support in dealing with a BIG taboo in our culture: a form of mental illness.

I reached out once a long time ago to H's sister and mother, because at the time I thought they were both really good at dealing with life - now I know they all have similar issues and just express them differently.  The sister is a huge obsessive scheduler and breaks down if things get off by half an hour.  The mother avoids all conflict, and hardly leaves the couch these days.  Their own issues and avoidance of things contributed to H's feelings of abandonment, which along with a possible chemical predisposition to BPD, lead to his learned irrational behavoirs.

As for what diagnoses could account for what you are facing - lots.  It's a spectrum disorder, meaning it can fall under a lot of things along a spectrum. 

Basically, you go tell his family what you think is an issue, you could offend them by implying that he's crazy, that they are crazy, and if they read up on it, they'd see that their own actions possibly contributed to it.  No one likes being told they made their son/brother crazy. 

[Baby Bug]

My H was diagnosed at age 52, just last year.   Our therapist encourages talking to family about it.    If you approach with love, concern and the desire to help they maybe more receptive.  My husbands family lives 5 hours away but I feel I can talk to any of his sisters about it, as long as I approach it with care and not attack or blame.   Our therapist told me in a private session that my H had BPD.  We both signed an agreement that issues can be discussed with the other spouse, as need be.   I'm going to reach out to one of his sisters soon but I need to think carefully of how I will handle it.  Hope this helps.

[Panda39]

I think everyone's relationship with family is different.  It seems to me there is a lot to think about before bringing in his family.

In terms of talking to the family what are your interactions with them like now?  How do they react to their BPD family member already? In what way do you want their support? Would it lead you into the Karpman Triangle?  What are your motivations for involving them? What boundaries would you have in terms of family involvement around your relationship with your Husband?... .

My SO's uBPDxw's family for example, sweeps her issues under the carpet and circle the wagons (blood is thicker than water).  Her sister also has BPD behaviors.  So look at the family's past behaviors, it is probably a pretty good indicator of how they will act in the future.  I would also say that they are his family so I would expect their loyalty will lie with him.

I agree with ArleighBurke if there has been no official diagnosis, I would only discuss behaviors don't use a label.

Panda39

[Healthy88]

Lots of good points and food for thought. I guess what I feel is that his family is validating his distorted thinkings & feelings, without having a clue what is going on, which naturally makes life harder for the kids and I. Basically, in he is great and I did not treat him right so he is right in any negative ways he treats me now. They are his family and should be his support, however. There would only be one brother or sister-in-law, I would even consider approaching. I guess since he has been so dishonest about so much, there is more I would like to know about him. Did he ever have counseling when he was younger? Has he ever threatened or attempted suicide? I just don't know how much I still don't know about my own H and his childhood.

You would think blood is thicker than water, but in my case my own family stuck by him instead of me. They are just starting to see the light now, but I don't think they have it within them to apologize to me for supporting the man who was mistreating me over me. I don't expect one.