Its all so confusing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't even know where to start! The story is complicated but the long and short of it is that I have a sister who has BPD.  I knew that she was having problems (following brain surgery 5 years ago) and though she has been difficult, I have always done my very best to support her and we have got on well.  Immediately after her operation she turned against her husband and our mother in an exceptionally vicious waybut it didn't occur to us that she might have BPD.  Our mother had a stroke in January and over the last month my sister has started sending me the most terrible and abusive messages about how awful I am, and how I have no empathy, compassion or kindness and worst of all, how I am physically abusive and that I beat her up.  It is almost as if everything she is accusing me of is something that I could say about her... .I was so horrified by the messages that I showed them to a friend who is a psychologist he immediately thought that my sister might have BPD.  I have researched it on the internet and it seems that he is right - all of the symptoms match my sister's behaviour.  I don't know what to do.  I am so unbelievably hurt and shocked and outraged by my sister's messages that I am reluctant to have any contact with her at all, but I am also torn as she has two boys who I feel might need me at some point (she has banned me from seeing them).  I don't know where to go from here.  I'd be so grateful for any advice you might be able to offer me.  Thank you.

[CAMI]

I don't even know where to start! The story is complicated but the long and short of it is that I have a sister who has BPD.  I knew that she was having problems (following brain surgery 5 years ago) and though she has been difficult, I have always done my very best to support her and we have got on well.  Immediately after her operation she turned against her husband and our mother in an exceptionally vicious waybut it didn't occur to us that she might have BPD.  Our mother had a stroke in January and over the last month my sister has started sending me the most terrible and abusive messages about how awful I am, and how I have no empathy, compassion or kindness and worst of all, how I am physically abusive and that I beat her up.  It is almost as if everything she is accusing me of is something that I could say about her... .I was so horrified by the messages that I showed them to a friend who is a psychologist he immediately thought that my sister might have BPD.  I have researched it on the internet and it seems that he is right - all of the symptoms match my sister's behaviour.  I don't know what to do.  I am so unbelievably hurt and shocked and outraged by my sister's messages that I am reluctant to have any contact with her at all, but I am also torn as she has two boys who I feel might need me at some point (she has banned me from seeing them).  I don't know where to go from here.  I'd be so grateful for any advice you might be able to offer me.  Thank you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome CAMI:   
I'm so sorry about how you sister is behaving.  I can understand how disturbing it must be for you.  Did your sister have any of the behaviors, prior to her brain surgery (perhaps less traits and milder)?  What was the brain surgery for?    Has she seen a neuropsychiatrist or neurpsychologist? 

The thread below might be of interest.  It discusses the possibility of brain trauma being associated with BPD:
IS THERE SUCH A THINK AS INJURY INDUCED BPD?

Sometimes people may exhibit milder BPD behavior that can really escalate during/after stressful events. Brain surgery and your mom having a stroke are very stressful situations.

It will be helpful for you to set some BOUNDARIES  Boundaries are for you and for your protection.  It is up to you to enforce them.  You may have to to set a boundary about blocking some methods of communication with your sister.

You say she turned against her husband, after the surgery.  Has anyone spoken to him regarding the situation.  How does she interact with her sons?

I'm thinking you sister may need to be evaluated to rule out some brain damage that could have been caused by her brain surgery or perhaps something associated with the reason for the surgery.  Other than that, the best thing for you to do is learn communication skills that can help make things better for you.  The only thing you have control over are setting boundaries for your protection and managing the way you interact with your sister and the way you react to her.

There is a wide green band at the very top of the page.  There is a "Tools" menu there that has links to some lessons.  That can be a good place to start with some communication skills.

[peacebthejourney]

Hi CAMI,

It is confusing when you're not absolutely sure if its BPD. It is also stressful even if you know for sure that your loved one has BPD.

I have felt the shock and hurt you are talking about. I wish that you weren't going through those emotions. It is difficult when you keep trying to be kind and supportive and then you get turned on with unkindness.

I have a sister and my first husband who were both diagnosed with BPD by psychiatrists after careful examination. But I suspect my mother might be BPD without her ever having been seen by a psychiatrist that I know of. It's stressful when you don't know for sure.

I hope you find peace as you figure out how to best take care of yourself in this situation. I think you've taken a great first step. You're expressing how you feel (shock, anger, confusion) and you're investigating the possibility that your sister might be dealing with mental illness as well as with a physical issue. I hope that your brother-in-law is able to sort through what is happening and communicate well with doctors to discern who much of her behavior is due to injury and whether any of her behavior is due to a longterm issue such as BPD.  There is lots of educational material on this website that might help you. I am a newbie too and am reading lots and finding it helpful.