Balance between silence and complaining

[JoeBPD81]

Tomorrow I have an important exam, to get a promotion at work. If I'm not one of the top positions I  got nothing and I have to wait two years to apply again. I got the day off to study. I've been studying after a full time job for months... .It's a big deal for me.

I don't study at home because my GF freaks out if her routine changes. She takes care of the house and the kids (from her previous marriage) while she's looking for a job. I pay for the house and expenses, and it takes all my income and some previous savings every month.

Today I said to her that I would be home to rest a bit from 16.15 to 17.15. But got very tired early and needed to use the restroom, and I was in my car waiting for 16.15 to come. At 16 I texted her "hey, I'm here, I don't wanna go up and scare you"  she had been in a good mood texting with me all morning. But she answered "you already scared me". And when I went up, she wouldn't say a word to me, and she looked at me as if I had just murdered her pet. She left for the kids, without saying good bye, and later texted me :

" You say to me you may come at 16:15 to have a nap, I plan my time so that I leave before that, because, as you know... .Because I have told you, I find it very stressing to see you before leaving, as I usually forget something or leave something halfway done due to the distraction. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that you didn't come earlier than you said just to see me, regardless of how I feel about it. I try to tell myself that you just couldn't be bothered to text and let me know, but that's equally disturbing to me. I do hope that you did well with your studying. I wish I could say something else, but this is all I have. I don't know if I perceive dependence and that freaks me out, or just a shift in the planning that kept me in a good mood. I don't know and I am sorry. But honestly, you could have said something before leaving, and then I would have just been gone when you got there. I have enough trouble with the subway cuts, I hope you get that. "

I do everything in my power to make her comfortable, we live close to the school and far from my work, I plan my important tiring and stressful day to not disturb her, but a 15 minute deviation in arriving to my own home, and I don't get her, I can't bother myself to do some simple things... .Then I couldn't rest and I can't concentrate on my studies. But if I said something, it would take all day. And in two days it's her birthday, so I would be accused to ruin it. And I really love her and I want to make her happy, but sometimes it's like she doesn't care if I have feelings at all.

I know it's a stupid matter, but when you do so much, when you think about her all the time and how to improve things, and they say "you couldn't bother" as if I was this selfish, mindless brut... .It also hurts a lot that wanting to see her is such a bad thing.

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[isilme]

Her birthday is coming?  Then she's probably freaking out about the passage of time - that seems to be a common trait after reading on here.  Also, birthdays have expectations, either personal ones of accomplishment, or of socializations, and if anything is not where she wants them to be, it's traumatic for her.  So, she will find any and all reasons to take out her emotions on you.  I really don't think it's conscious on her part.  H is like this.  I have had to work as hard as I can to notice these things as part of the BPD and not take them to heart, but I know it's not easy.  I make a lot os special considerations simply because I know H's emotions are "broken" and he simply can't/won't do certain things, and yet when he's cranky he likes to imply I am lazy because even though I've taken care of XYZ, ABC haven't been done. 

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for your answer, it helped to go through the day. I wish I knew what to do to make her birthday better, they kids make it nasty when they're not the center of attention, and I am very sad and tired. Oh, yeah, and also scared every time I approach her.

[RHVG]

I'm new here, and struggle with the same issue: finding a balance between accepting them as they are (silence) and establishing my boundaries (complaining). Had a similar issue yesterday: me and my 8.5 month pregnant daughter-in-law hauling couches up and down the stairs as my son and her are trying to move, while my BPD husband watches YouTube in his rocker in a warm living room, feeling too stressed to participate, and then acts like nothing happened... .Saying anything would start a bad mood--feeling accused--conflict spiral. Not saying anything feels like enabling this selfish behavior: SELFISH, I say, BPD or no.

I chose to not say anything, and go along acting like nothing happened, inwardly glad that he is in a good mood and I don't have to deal with THAT on top of everything else. But I'm beginning to wonder if this is really the right thing to do. This is my present question to resolve.

You know, there a saying out there: "what you're willing to put up with, is exactly what you'll have". Sometimes I wonder if they use their BPD as an excuse for being selfish at other people's expense. Yes, you've got to accept them with their limitations, I get it. But there has to be a line somewhere, and I'm trying to find it.

Sometimes things are better known by comparing them to their extremes (exaggerating  and amplifying their essence to make it more visible). Consider this story. I work with mental health people: not borderline, though, but those that are "over the board"--on the line of being committed to a mental institution. So, we are assessing this 87 lady, trying to determine if it is safe for her to stay in her own home, and if so how many hours of paid care does she need. The daughter, that takes care of her, shares that "Mom feels abandoned when I as much as go to the store, even if there are people in the house. So, when I come back, she is upset for a long time". We mark this down for extra hours, feel sorry for the daughter, chuckle and note that the old lady is one step closer to needing 24 hour professional care. Now, consider this: to the old lady, her feeling of abandonment is as real, and as painful as the same feeling would be to you and me. But it is not reasonable. Not reasonable to the extent that the professional state services are willing to pay extra care hours for dealing with this, thus recognizing it as a chore, AND see this as a valid reason to place her in an environment out of the house.

So, if you coming home a few minutes early causes frustration, your wife's feelings are definitely real. But are they reasonable? Moreover, is she not able to control them, or not willing, because it feels better to her to get pampered this way? If my husband refuses to help with a simple chore, because he is feeling overwhelmed, his feelings are real. But should they be treated as acceptable?

I wonder if there can and should be a defined way of setting our won personal boundaries to where they would have to make some effort ON THEIR PART to maintain the relationship, if they are enough. Or would this be controlling?

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts

[JoeBPD81]

Hi RHVG,

I had read your previous posts, I have a lot of questions, but I'm too lost to offer answers. Thanks for answering here and offer your experience.

I've been too sad to post, or even read new posts. I couldn't sleep the day before her birthday, because the night before ended badly. And I didn't know what I was gonna find the next morning. I didn't even know how I was gonna be able to react. I felt like staying in my room and cry and sleep, but that would ruin her birthday.

She wishes we could all forget her birthday, and hates expectations and being phony. But with two little boys, something has to be done. The kids don't get reallity when it is not absolutelly about them, and they do their best to sabotage things that don't go their way. They are 10 and almost 6. The youngest wanted to keep his mom's presents for himself, and when he was told that wasn't nice, he took something and went to his room, and started being rude and saying he wanted to ruin the birthday straight out. The older gets happy when the other is acting up, because that makes him look good, he asked 10 times "Am I being good, mommy?" but when he realized that wasn't gonna make all the family to treat him like it was his birthday, he dropped the act and became nasty. So that's the help I get to try and make a safe, calm environment for my GF. The youngest has some more maturity than the older, and stopped being so defiant, and became his normal, naughty self.

Somehow the day was getting better by the evening, and ended up being OK. They kids put her in a bad mood right before going to bed, and she started to blame herself and saying it was all her fault, for being crazy... .And I managed to talk and talk, and hugged her, and gradually she stoped crying and became relaxed. We almost make out! That is really rare. But before things went out of hand, I said good night. I know if we had let ourselfs go, today she would have told me I took advantage of her being vulnerable, and I would feel like a rapist. So it's better this way.

She was almost happy before the kids' bedtime, and later the down mood was because she says that if she had believed as a young woman that she had BPD, she wouldn't have had kids, that it was irresponsible. She was diagnosed too young, and she was told many awful things about it that she didn't fit. So she didn't believe it.

I've read many posts about people who disattend their kids because of this. She is not like that at all. She is a great mother, and she gives everything to them. She takes them to school in public transportation with no help at all from them, then she's all morning running errands for them, does the shopping and cooking, picks them up at the school, helps with their homework (as in: she needs to work 2 hours for them to make 10 minutes of homework). Does the laundry that is about 5 changes of clothes everyday for each, as they get covered in dirt, tomato sauce, chocolate... .As soon as they are clean. She helps them prepare theis clothes and books for the next day, and puts them to bed. She's a full time slave/servant. I believe they take all her patience and energy. She gets angry at them because they are so selfish and rude, and they are not interested on being independent or to help the family at all. There are charts with what a 3 year old should do at home, and neither of them do anything of it. They get into our nerves and they keep pushing it until they make her cry, or they are grounded big time, and then they keep pushing it to not comply with the grounding. It means they have no end, no concience, and no concern for others at all. She's very worried they have inherited some PD, their dad was a psicopath, and their mom BPD.

She gets mad, because it is imposible not to. But afterwards, she says they are kids, and she is the adult, so everything is her fault. That she is such a bad example, and that they would be better off with anyone else. She would also do anything for her mother, father and sisters, who mistreated her her whole life, and ignored her when they didn't... .You see how I could feel there's something wrong with me, as I am the only one I feel I get the misregulated treatment. She says I'm the one that least deserve it, and that has been the reason for her to want to break up many times.

So I don't see her as selfish at all. Her problem is mostly with herself, its a very severe depression. And I don't understand that she would be mean to me, because I can't think about being mean with anyone, least of all, someone I love. And that's a disability of mine, because I see that most people are the meanest to the ones they love.

I see her real troubles, and I don't wonder how she feels overwhelmed. I would have killed myself, or rolled up in fetal position. That makes it hard to take care of myself, to find it important, or to know what to do. Because I have no interests, I don't have things that I want to do for myself. That is also what makes it so hard when I get her anger in return.

When I have talked thigs escalated, and she wanted to break up. She has said that she's not ready to have a relationship, that she doesn't want anyone to treat me like she does... .And that she tries and tries to be better, and she can't. That I am the biggest effort she makes, and it doesn't amount to anything, so she should go and stop trying. What I say, she remembers it out of context, and it hurts us a lot, and she remembers for years. Because even if later she finds out it wasn't true, the feeling was true and there's no way back for her.

They have to learn some way to make themselves better, and to respect us... .Whatever works, we should do. the problem is finding out what.

[JoeBPD81]

With "disattend"  I meant neglect. Sure you have noticed English is not my 1st language. Sorry.