Hello from Ohio

[scared dad]

My wife is a 27 year old undiagnosed BPD person.
I have dealt with so much abuse and violence over the last 3 years.
We have a son and I am scared for his future mental issues if I leave him alone with her.
Currently she as falsely accused me of domestic violence and has had a protection order placed against me preventing me to go home or contact her. I haven't been home in 2 weeks and I am a wreck right now in a hotel.  I dont know what to do. The police threats have been going on for years and now she calls them rather than just threaten to call them. I am so upset because I do love her. Everyone tells me to leave her and that she is insane but it hurts so bad.  She was on medicine and was pretty good for the last couple months but she got mad about something very insignificant and now I am facing criminal charges.
I just need someone to talk to and dont know where to turn
thanks for listening.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hello scared dad.

It is a horrible position to be in - loving a BPD. But many people here are in that same position. We know how much of a rollercaoster it is.

How much do you know about BPD? Have you read "Stop walking on eggshells"? Do you have good self-care - friends, hobbies etc? How old is you son?

[Sluggo]

Scared,

I am so sorry you are going through all these emotions.  I too spent some time in a hotel.  One movie I found on you tube when I was there and trying to learn about BPD was "men don't tell'.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_gLDF2dGLY . 
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Here is a quick preview: 

In March 14, 1993, CBS aired "Men Don't Tell," a TV movie about domestic violence starring Peter Strauss and Judith Light. The twist: Strauss's character, construction executive Ed MacAffrey, was abused by his wife Laura, played by Light.

Based on a true story, it dramatizes the story of a loving husband, who is terrorized by the violent behavior of his wife. He had long endured the physical and emotional abuse heaped upon him by his neurotic wife.

He tolerates this not only because he loves her and is concerned over the welfare of his daughter, but also because men are traditionally regarded as weaklings if they allow themselves to be battered by their wives.

After one of Laura's destructive tantrums brings the attention of the police, Ed is suspected of being the aggressor! Finally, Laura goes too far and Ed tries to defend himself--whereupon Laura crashes through the front window of her home and is rendered comatose. Ed is arrested for Domestic Violence and Attempted Murder. 

First telecast by CBS on May 14, 1993, according to a New York Times Story, "Men Don't Tell" was never rebroadcast on over-the-air television, reportedly because it incurred the wrath of several women's groups.
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I cried so much watching this show.  It hit me in so many ways emotionally.  It was like I was watching myself in so many of the scenes.  You are not alone 'scared dad'.  I was married 18 years and have 7 children.  It is painful but like ArleighBurke said, it was learning more about it, sharing my life on this board and getting great feedback from others which has help carry me down this long winding road. 

[scared dad]

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it.
Yes, I have "walking on eggshells". I bought it a about 3 years ago while she was pregnant with my son. Very soon after we learned that she was pregnant she completely shut me out, which was emotionally devastating to me. I was so in love and she didn't let me experience the pregnancy.  6 or so months after he was born, she told me "like a light switch went off" she wanted to be with me again and we got married. There is wayyyyy more to this story. Regardless, my son is now 2 1/2.

While she was pregnant I sought help with a therapist to deal with my pain from missing the pregnancy. She mentioned it sounded like a personality disorder. I read into it and BPD seemed to fit perfectly. I then found a BPD specialist that I saw for 3 months to understand more.

We live in a small town and I had stopped by an employees house (I own a company with 20 employees) to grab a key to the warehouse. While heading to work, I saw her on the road and she called the police again and told them I was stalking her. I will never understand why she's doing this.

Sluggo, I will watch the movie for sure. Thank you both for responding.

[heartandwhole]

Hi scared dad,



I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can fully understand your worry about your son, it is very stressful to go through physical and mental abuse and be separated from the your home and family.

How long is the protection order in effect? Is your son with your wife, or other family right now? What are your legal options at the moment?

Going forward, I encourage you to think about a Safety Plan, in the event that the violence and accusations continue once you are back together. It's much better to plan ahead and know what to do and where to go than to wait until emotions have escalated and scramble for solutions.

We also have a very informative thread about domestic violence against men (and false accusations). When you have time, I encourage you to read it. Youll find some very good advice in there:

Domestic Violence (men)

Keep posting, scared dad. You are not alone in this.  

heartandwhole