Do they always find another relationship?

[roberto516]

I've been posting alot because the insight has really helped me.

Anyway as soon as I left and didn't immediately return she cut me off. Says that she wants to work on herself and not be in a relationship right now. Her therapist probably told her this, which is good because it means she can't hurt someone else right now. But what she has been doing is going to yoga 7 days a week. I watched her dog last summer every weekend so she could become a yoga teacher too. And she spends her weekends doing that.

From what I know about them they can't sit with their feelings so they find a replacement. Is it possible she has replaced me with yoga? because it's providing her with love and it's something she can idealize? I feel like her new search for an identify will be through this. And maybe she was preparing all along for this to be her back up plan if I ever did leave. She got some yoga tattoo, and has become really immersed in it. And after 1 week of me staying away she dropped me and has no more feelings for me. Only when she's lonely or wanted me to help her get drugs did she reach out.

On the outside it does appear she's finding herself. But knowing what I know now she appears to just be finding something so she doesn't have to feel. It's like her new boyfriend. Because when her ex dumped her and didn't commit to coming right back she found me. So that behavior is there.

[FallenOne]

Sure... But can it really be called a relationship?

I see it as more along the lines of a parasite attaching itself to a host.

[mar356]

Mine found someone right away. It is hard to accept it but the pattern seems to idealize, devalue and discharge.  If they can't find anyone at the moment they will recycle old exes. Yoga isn't going to satisfy her need for attention.

[roberto516]

Sure... But can it really be called a relationship?

I see it as more along the lines of a parasite attaching itself to a host.

That actually made me laugh! It seems to be exactly what it is. My therapist told me she has probably found her "new fix" because they are always onto the next thing. He said for her to hear me and make a committment to give someone else actual love wasn't possible. Because, as you said, I was her host and when I turned around and said "I'm gonna leave if we don't work on this" it probably wasn't what she ever expected from me. We went to therapy 3 times and the 4th she said "i don't want to go. It's too much work." Because the knight in shining armor wouldn't expect her to keep going.

Although she did suggest we try therapy. But maybe the emotions being brought up weren't what she was expecting, and couldn't handle?

[roberto516]

Mine found someone right away. It is hard to accept it but the pattern seems to idealize, devalue and discharge.  If they can't find anyone at the moment they will recycle old exes. Yoga isn't going to satisfy her need for attention.

And that's what I keep thinking. Although as a teacher she is receiving all this support and attention for how great she is doing by doing it, and by staying away from me. But you're right. Eventually the loneliness will creep in; like it always does with her. Hopefully she finds someone else instead of reaching out to me. I hopefully raged enough that I'm painted all black forever in her eyes.

[once removed]

she has probably found her "new fix" because they are always onto the next thing.

learning about BPD can be invaluable, but i think it can get us tripped up when we see our ex as monolithic or try to filter every action/lack of action through the lens of BPD. remember, its a spectrum disorder; you know your ex better than any of us do, and others are not a proxy for her.

my ex has been single for around two years now. has been working her dream job for some time.

yoga is pretty popular and people can get pretty immersed in it. i have a friend who preaches the benefits of it to me often.

so roberto516, what have you been doing to rebuild your life?

[roberto516]

learning about BPD can be invaluable, but i think it can get us tripped up when we see our ex as monolithic or try to filter every action/lack of action through the lens of BPD. remember, its a spectrum disorder; you know your ex better than any of us do, and others are not a proxy for her.

my ex has been single for around two years now. has been working her dream job for some time.

yoga is pretty popular and people can get pretty immersed in it. i have a friend who preaches the benefits of it to me often.

so roberto516, what have you been doing to rebuild your life?

Yes I know that I don't want to characterize everything as BPD. It just seems weird that as soon as she immersed herself in it she was done. She had done it all the time before with me around too. But now I think she doesn't see our relationship as her "identity" and she sees this as the new "identity".

I'm just trying to understand what's going on. I'm forcing myself to smile more and be kind to myself. I'm pretty motivated about NC although it's only been about 24 hours. And I'm starting to write my second book. A part of me fears that as time goes on she will start thinking "why isn't he begging anymore" and reach out. That's if I don't cave first. But I think I have finally hit rock bottom. I've been finally talking to people about it (especially mutual coworkers we both use to have) who have confirmed everything I have thought about her inability to feel and selfishness/need for control.

[AustenJ]

Most pwBPD already have your replacement lined up long before they actually discard you... .I'm guessing that she loves yoga now, not so much because she wants to get healthy, but because she met a guy in her first yoga class... .perhaps an instructor even. Borderlines typically mirror the people they are with because they do not have their own identity... .trust me... .she is going 7 days a week not to detach from your relationship and not to work on herself, but she has met some guy there or she is trolling for guys in the class... .thinking if your replacement is into yoga, he must be "healthy" and thus good for her.

My ex gave me many excuses why we were not working, all smoke screens I believe... .one of which was she wanted to get healthy... .but she really just wanted to be single because I was telling her that for us to have a future, she needed to get into treatment. The week after the discard her idea of getting healthy was partying on work nights all night and crashing at a different guy's house every night... .the guys were just friends, of course, and she only slept on their couches... .

[once removed]

I've been finally talking to people about it (especially mutual coworkers we both use to have) who have confirmed everything I have thought about her inability to feel and selfishness/need for control.

there is a lot of focus on her going on here, and some ruminating. thats not a judgment - especially coming from a guy that filled spirals with a whole lot of mess and wore everyone in sight out. its natural to want answers. but i am wondering if some of this speculation/talking with others isnt fueling more of it?

[roberto516]

there is a lot of focus on her going on here, and some ruminating. thats not a judgment - especially coming from a guy that filled spirals with a whole lot of mess and wore everyone in sight out. its natural to want answers. but i am wondering if some of this speculation/talking with others isnt fueling more of it?

Well as I talk about it I begin to see that it was a good thing to not be involved with her anymore. It's just reaffirming that I made the smart choice. Probably a lot of ruminating as well. Maybe I'm rationalizing that the more I know about it the more I can be accepting of what happened and not be so hard on myself?

[SoMadSoSad]

A part of me fears that as time goes on she will start thinking "why isn't he begging anymore" and reach out.

If she BPD remember this: The heart does not grow fonder with absence for pwBPD

[roberto516]

If she BPD remember this: The heart does not grow fonder with absence for pwBPD

Good point. Actually reassuring. She even told me when I asked what happened was that "The longer we spent apart the easier it got for me move on." So thank you for the reaffirmation of that.

[once removed]

Maybe I'm rationalizing that the more I know about it the more I can be accepting of what happened and not be so hard on myself?

to be certain. knowledge is power. just dont trip yourself up. "sometimes a cigar (or yoga in this case) is just a cigar".

[roberto516]

to be certain. knowledge is power. just dont trip yourself up. "sometimes a cigar (or yoga in this case) is just a cigar".

True. And I know I'm gonna beat a dead horse. But I am a therapist. And the idealization she seems to be going through with her new hobby has me thinking it's just her ability to nume everything. Almost like her new addiction.

[once removed]

the idealization she seems to be going through with her new hobby has me thinking

its not uncommon with folks that get into yoga. people consider it life changing.

my question is why it matters to you; not that you shouldnt, and again, no judgment, but what does analyzing/focusing on her relationship with yoga accomplish for your detachment? no right or wrong answer, either.

[roberto516]

its not uncommon with folks that get into yoga. people consider it life changing.

my question is why it matters to you; not that you shouldnt, and again, no judgment, but what does analyzing/focusing on her relationship with yoga accomplish for your detachment? no right or wrong answer, either.

Nothing . I guess it was just a thought I had and was looking to see if it was right  but you're right. The goal is to move on. And she's currently renting space in my head