Difficulties getting into therapy

[Maya60]

Hi all!

This is my first post here. I'm not a native speaker of English, so sorry for any grammar mistakes  

Anyway, I'm in a relationship for almost two years now and since a few months we started to live together. I noticed something is "different" about my partner from the very beginning and he knows it as well. After a year he finally went to see his doctor, but was sent to a ADD specialist since he has many of those symptoms. After a test it turned out it wasn't ADD and this psychiatrist couldn't help him further.

ADD sounded like a logical reason for me, but it didn't explain the anger and extreme jealousy, and some other difficulties we have. I started reading on this website after someone mentioned BPD when I came down to their place completely broken down and crying over the last (unreasonable) fight we had. Being screamed at, in front of his kids, only cos I was home 1 hour later from visiting my parents. And I have many more examples... .
I've read so many recognizable stories here that I'm sure it has to be BPD. Everything matches perfectly...

After the latest fight I was about to end the relationship, but he really wanted to have one more chance. So I asked him if he understands that he has a problem and will seek help in therapy for this. Then I will give it another chance.

Now almost 2 weeks have passed. I mailed him all the information for contacting and making an appointment and checking out health insurance, but still he has not arranged anything. He keeps being extremely friendly, as if I would forget the whole therapy thing I guess.

Asked him again but he says he will send the email for more information today.
And I know he won't.

I feel like I've been betrayed cos I accepted his excuse and gave him a second change, only if he went to therapy.

Any suggestions to approach this issue?

Thanks 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Maya60, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, you're english is fine, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that the forum was helpful for you and that you decided to join us. I completely understand the feeling of walking on eggshells with your partner, you don't know if how you breath, move, talk will cause you parnter to rage at you.

Now almost 2 weeks have passed. I mailed him all the information for contacting and making an appointment and checking out health insurance, but still he has not arranged anything. He keeps being extremely friendly, as if I would forget the whole therapy thing I guess.

I suggest that you follow your inuition here, I agree with you, I think that he's idealizing you for something that he wants. You can't control someone else, you can only control two things and those are your thoughts and feelings and with that in mind, another option is to change your responses and boundaries with him to change the dynamic of the r/s and to move to a space where things are healthier and safer for you, for example when he rages I'd recommend that you leave and don't make into a discussion, say something to affect "I'm leaving when you're this way, I'll be back later"

I'm happy to hear that you visit family some of us get disconnected from people that are close to us outside of our r/s, keep doing that, it helps to connect with people that know us and can reflect back positive attributes about ourselves when our pwBPD are almost always negative that creates a disorted image about ourselves. Self care is really important with a pwBPD because we end burning the candle a both ends.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT

[livednlearned]

Hi Maya60,

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here.

What was the latest fight about?

If he doesn't follow through and seek therapy, do you plan to stay together?

Maybe we can look at the latest fight you had and offer some pointers. Relationship skills with a person who has BPD can be counter intuitive.

We're here to walk with you 

LnL

[Maya60]

Hi Mutt 

Thanks for your detailed reply. Yes, I think it is exactly that way. I keep on trying to fix the whole situation, taking care of him, trying to arrange help. But only he can do this by himself. I find it really difficult to take a step back cos I know he will postpone therapy.

Yes, my family is always there for me although at this moment they are starting to become worried about me since they see the situation is not getting better.

Ah thanks, I'm gonna check that book out!

[Maya60]

Hi Maya60,

I'm glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here.

What was the latest fight about?

If he doesn't follow through and seek therapy, do you plan to stay together?

Maybe we can look at the latest fight you had and offer some pointers. Relationship skills with a person who has BPD can be counter intuitive.

We're here to walk with you 

LnL

Hi livednlearned 

The latest big fight was the one of me being home later than expected.

His kids (he has kids with his ex) visit us on sundays and sometimes the whole weekend. The weekend of the fight they were here on sunday. At the same time my uncle and nieced were staying at my parents and I don't see them very often. So he went to pick up his kids and I texted him I was going to visit my family since everyone was still at my parents place.
I usually go to see my parents and go to fitness on sunday, so I can combine seeing my family (parents) and his family (kids).
But this time I told him I'll be back in an hour or two. I also had lunch and went back home when my unlce left. I texted my partner I was gonna be later than expected. Then no reply back, only a short  reply on what I should bring at the supermarkt.
I went to do groceries and was back at 2.30 pm so we still had the whole afternoon with his kids.
I came home, he said nothing to me. Then I went to him to say hi. He jumped up from his chair. Started accusing me of not wanting to see him or his kids. That I try to ruin his day. He said it screaming while his kids were sitting frightened in the living room.
I put down the groceries, went to the garden. Then back inside and said I didn't understand why it is different today, cos I do something on my own almost every week at this day.
He said the reason was that I asked at what time he would be back, and I said to see him later. But I was not there at the moment he got back. (although I texted him I would go away cos my uncle was still visiting.). It was not possible to have a normal conversation anymore at this point so I left.

I feel it is about controlling or not meeting up to his expectations. I cannot live my life exactly in the way he always wants to.

I stayed at my parents after leaving from his anger. We talked on the phone and I said I cannot do this any longer, I am not strong enough to handle these unexpected situations all the time. I am tired, do not feel like I cna be myself. And I told him I thinking about breaking up.
Next day he was desperately about wanting to talk. He said he was sorry, bought me flowers, said he was gonna do ANYTHING that was neccesary to fix this. He also said he needs help cos he understands it is not normal.


livednlearned, I feel like I cannot handle this situation much longer. I am so tired all the time. And I start to recover slower and slower each time from fighting. I cannot concentrate on my work since 2 weeks now.
Also, having a partner with two kids of a former relationships is already kinda heavy, but combined with BPD I feel like I also have to keep an eye on how he interacts with his kids sometimes. The relationship is becoming too difficult for me. There has to be an improvement of his behaviour to save this.