Hi Tristesse: Is something going on with your BPDD33, beyond her reaction to your one comment? Could there be some other event that has caused her to be more emotional?
I REFUSE to give control of my life back to her. . .I told her she needed to get it together and stop the harassing me at work or she needed to find elsewhere to live... .
You stated a boundaries. Take whatever action possible to consistently enforce the boundary of not calling you at work.
WORK PHONE: Block her phone number if possible. If you have caller ID on your work phone, let her calls go to voice mail, and then delete her voice mails without listening to them. When you have to check for work voice mails, delete her calls at that time. If you can limit the frequency you have to check for work voice mails, then do that.
CELL PHONE: Block her from your cell phone, while at work or when needed. You can unblock it at any time. You can always turn you phone off while at work.
last night I told her to mind her own business because she chimed in on a disagreement her dad and I were having.
I'm thinking she felt unvalidated by your telling her, "to mind her own business"? When she jumps into conversations, can you and your husband agree that one of you gives the other some signal to indicate that you either table the discussion until a later time, or take it somewhere your daughter can't join the conversation (your bedroom -with door closed, outside, the garage, etc.)
This has to be very frustrating for you. I can understand. I have an adult niece who can't keep a job, lives with her divorced mother and doesn't lift a hand to anything around the house.
Stay firm with your boundaries. Have you thought about adding "contribution to household chores" as a boundary? Unless she is paying room and board, that is a boundary you might consider.