Broke up with exBPD of 6 years after reading text messages from her exbf

[Caretaker2]

After reading this site's article, "Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality," I felt like it accurately touched on absolutely everything that I am currently feeling. It was sad seeing everything I felt read like some textbook, but I think I am slowly seeing it as relief. Thanks for being here for me.

Anyways, my ex and I are both currently 23 years old. We started dating when were juniors in high school. She had broken up with someone who was very close to her and who went to a different school. I believe he initiated that split due to her family problems at home. Her mom had heavy drinking problems (still does) and would threaten her, abuse her, etc. Basically her home life at that time was very disruptive and her ex felt like he couldn't handle those stresses along with his own. A very rational, well-thought decision in my opinion. My ex and I had talked at lunch and in a couple other classes pretty heavily after that. We weren't dating yet, and she would talk to me about her insecurities about not having sex yet. So she felt like he should be the one to do that with so that insecurity wasn't an issue anymore. As I'm writing this I'm having a "hindsight is 20/20" moment .

However, he had told her it was his first time and that's why she agreed. A close friend of her's and that guy knew this was false and had concealed that detail from my ex. The revelation of this fact was very heartbreaking for my ex a month or two later and said she felt gross and like "crawling out of her skin."

I was supportive of my ex as I was also dating someone else at the time. I stopped dating her rather coldly as I just wasn't finding her as interesting to talk to as my ex. I should mention that I was not very emotionally mature and had problems with expressing apathy (still struggled with that until a few months ago). After I stopped seeing the other girl, I began taking my ex home just about every day that she didn't have a ride. Her mom was usually too drunk to pick her up or drop her off. We listened to music in my car, talked, and she converted me from a pseudo-religious conservative to someone that was actively debating religious ideas and became more liberal. I felt like this was a great feeling because it really got me out of the box that I was brought up in. It was refreshing and exciting.

Fast forward I believe a couple months to where we have sex for the first time (my first time with vaginal intercourse). We were in my car and she lets out a loud "*EX'S NAME*." I stopped and looked at her with disappointment because I think that was what I was supposed to do. I know typically in those situations it means that person was cheating, but I don't believe that she was since she was with me most of the time. She said it was because the last time she felt like that it was with him so she had some brain reaction and it was blurted out. Whatever you know, sure. I still liked her a whole lot. Seemed reasonable.

That last paragraph is awfully embarrassing for me to put out there finally after 6 years of not telling anyone. But the reason why I mention it is because I feel like her not getting over her ex has a lot to do with this whole situation.

So we continue through our last year in highschool, she moves in with me at my mom's house because her homelife had become too hostile. I was extremely thankful of my mother for understanding. Her ex came around I believe only once at this time for closure. He took her to a neighborhood park. I didn't like it that much considering I had come to believe exes should stay out of relationships.

I become interested in math my last year of high school and decided that I wanted to study actuarial science in college. My GPA was not "public ivy" material, so I decided to go that university's satellite campus instead. She applied to the main campus and was accepted. They weren't that far apart, maybe a 45-60 min drive from each other, so I thought this would be cake. However, after speaking with her uncles (great men, strong support for her), they told me to go to my neighborhood's community college and ace those classes and then apply to the main campus a year later. I decided to do that and was accepted by that school with great excitement. The year while I was at community college we practiced a long distance relationship which I think was successful. We facetimed all the time and I was working out and feeling great about myself. I will say that this was a high point in my personal life despite not being able to see each other. That part was very hard. I remained faithful and I don't have any reason to believe she wasn't during this time.

After passing that little "test", I really felt like honesty and trust were going to be a huge cornerstone of our relationship. I was so so so excited about that. My ex before my exwBPD was the exact opposite so it felt very fresh to have someone like this in my life.

We move into a student apartment together splitting the nearly $1000 dollar rent with loan, grant, and my father's money.

My school life at the new university was extremely difficult. My classes really kicked my ass and I really had to rally at the last couple weeks to pull B's in my major classes, while scraping by with a couple of C's. My time, energy, stress, emotions were all engulfed by these daunting (to me) tasks. I really don't think it took long after our first year together at school (2.5 years total at that point) before things were really blowing up in our faces. My lack of apathy really made dealing with her emotional outbursts a chore. I would become a monotone robot just looking at her like she was crazy. I will admit I wanted to leave her many
times because of her emotions and how I responded to them. I felt very inept as a person because of that. I was very close to hitting her back when she became violent in one argument, after that I broke down like a baby and begged her not to leave me. I was vicious and that moment will always be in my vault.

So then other emergencies happen around the 3-4 year range with her anxiety that sends her to the ER leaving us with a $10,000 bill. It was a total waste because we thought her stool was impacted, and paid for a CT image that was taken incorrectly (without contrast). So that visit plus a specialist consultation where she had a finger stuck up her anus and one more ER visit later was all done to only show that she in fact had NO stool in her intestines! This debt will be around her forever. Though I promised, at the time, to take care of it with a fancy actuary job some day.

That moment definitely changed our relationship that was already on caretaking mode with her insecurities to full blown romantic parent. Sounds ___ing nasty and insane but that's pretty close to how it was. The stress of that money plus her college loans for a degree she felt like she couldn't do anything with played directly into her rash behaviors become more frequent and almost expected. Our sex life came to a halt either then or earlier (I can't remember) and life was ___ing hell. A medication she was on for treating high testosterone caused her hair to thin. This destroyed her self confidence. This will be a constant struggle for the next 2 years.

She meets a cute boy in one of her classes who was a muslim and she begins obsessing over the religion finding every flaw in it so as to see where this guy stood on things. She told me she didn't want to be romantic with him, but her Reddit account's posts to the Islam subreddit asking if it was possible to make this work and feeling like a teenager again said otherwise. I did not see these posts until a week ago from today. I was not thinking at all at the time that she was really interested in seeing this guy.

This was around the 5 year mark, our absolute lowest point in terms of day to day interactions. There were hardly ever any of those addicting positives that mess people up so much. Just constant put downs and keeping to ourselves. This may not be as accurate as I'd like because I have repressed a lot of these emotions and memories. I will be honest and say that the abuse between us was so long and drawn out that I wished that she was dead a few times. Just something so I could be free. But we lived together, with a very sweet, dying pitbull mix, two other dogs, and now bagged down by enormous debt that I did not feel like I could leave her with by herself.

From then on was not as bad. I caught on that I could not engage anything she was upset about the way I had been. I needed to really listen to her and make sure that these things she felt insecure about weren't "crazy," as I stupidly put it multiple times. Even though this behavior was not the kind I was used to adapting to and being sweet with, it actually all felt very loving. I was buying her flowers, taking care of a lot of errands and things for her (she can't drive), and we could sit and enjoy being outside for once, enjoy TV (Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Broad City, Planet Earth, random animes etc.) and just be overall pleasant. I would say some things to her that would trigger her, but I think I learned how to backpedal fast enough and not get bothered by outbursts.

Overall, I was hopeful. Around this past December (end of 5th year together) she begins to talk to her ex again and I believe they were communicating about his bipolarism and probably talking about things she had felt. I'm sure this is what led her to telling me about BPD. All the boxes were checked minus cheating and I was slightly relieved seeing this as a treatable condition. That quickly diminished when I read horror stories one after the other about how these things very rarely last.

This constant texting with her ex led her to become extremely secretive and she wouldn't let me see her phone. I didn't want to ask to see it because that would have probably just set her off after this nice streak we had been having. I brushed it off and would casually ask how he was doing and what they were talking about. "Oh his job and his mental health, just checking in on him," or something like that she would tell me. But after a month it became more constant and she was growing more distant. I became suspicious at this point and it really freaked me out because I have never had to deal with this from her. One night I went to bed and she left to go to our apartment complex's study lounge at 4 am. I woke up to an empty living room and ran out the door looking for her. I saw her in there texting. I asked her about it and directly asked her if she was cheating on me, emotionally or physically. She said no and said she would never. Gave her a hug and went back to my apartment. She was then going to leave town to visit family for a wedding. I asked her if she was going to see her ex again like she did a few weeks ago when she was visiting family. She told me no. This was a couple weeks ago.

This was Wednesday:
I then came home from my food service job (side money until I can find an opening into a career) to find her inaccessible phone unlocked playing music (her ex's spotify playlist) and sitting on the floor in the living room. She was in the bathtub getting ready to leave for a bus ride to see her family for the wedding. I quickly ran over to her phone and saw texts saying they loved each other, couldn't wait for him to meet her granny, etc etc.

So she had lied to me for the past month or more about everything I had directly asked her about. I remained calm. I had kinda already figured she was cheating at this point, just didn't have any smoking gun evidence. Just lots of clues and behaviors that are typical with that kind of stuff. She made the apartment a wreck getting ready to leave that day and she was yelling to get this and that in her bags and complaining that I had come home too late and all this stuff. Just knife after knife in my gut after what I had just read. We go to run a quick errand before I drop her and she hands me her phone while pressing a bunch of buttons really fast and hiding it from view. I needed her phone to scan a barcode that she had on it. As I go inside to complete said errand, I see she has wiped all messages from him and put his contact to silent so as not to get a text while I had the phone. Another knife. Gross gross feeling.

I get back to the car and she's making quick, exasperated comments like "haha I bet you hate me now for leaving the apartment a wreck," and I said yeah but also I saw your texts. "How did you see my deleted messages?" she asks. So I explained and then I broke up with her in the car as she left on a bus to see her family.

In texts up to today she has been extremely apologetic and today said that she still loves me which really upset me. I had a mental meltdown alone in my apartment surrounded by all her stuff that I had to clean up when I got back from dropping her off. I called her ex yesterday and told him that if he knew about her condition and knew that she was in a serious long term relationship with me, why you would say all that stuff to her? He said that I shouldn't act like I know how she feels and that she can make decisions for herself. Which is 100% true, but I still can't help but see it as him taking advantage of her as well. Like it just sounded like he was purposefully manipulating this part of her. Needless to say I've been absolutely mad at him for talking like that to someone who is in a relationship and at her for trying to bait me back to her. The emotions listed in the article were hurt, disbelief, and anger. I felt these things exactly when she would lash out at me in the past. I just never expected to get them in this situation as well.

I'm still very early in this healing process. My social life has been pretty much dead the past 4 years of school dealing with school work, off and on jobs, and most of all my exBPD gf. This is the longest internet post I've ever written, so I apologize for losing track in a few spots and for the excessive information. There are obviously volumes of details I could add, perhaps these are just the ones most jarring in my head at the moment.

Like why wouldn't she stop him? Why wouldn't he stop it? Why wouldn't she break up with me first?
Feeling guilty and sneaky for looking at her phone. Losing what I thought was my best friend.
How could she lie to me to the very end like that? How do I know how much of our relationship was legitimate?
I feel like this relationship was torture for her and she was faking it and felt weighed down by all this debt. It makes me feel bad I could make someone feel like that.

So now what we've agreed on is I move back home to my family, act like we're still together (for my family to avoid drama; us two are finished), and use my dad's money plus her grants and loans  to pay the rest of the rent until she moves out in August. I also agreed to help her with the ER bills, but told her not to harass me about them and that I would help out with what I could when I get a job. I think we will be moving onto no contact soonish. The talk we had tonight was disgusting to me when she kept saying that she still loved me and don't think that she doesn't and all this bs. She quickly started calling me an ass after I listed a bunch of things that she would have to take care of  on her own that we were planning on doing together. And then said something like in divorces the court rewards the dependent compensation and I took it kind of like a threat almost.

I'm very appreciative I was able to put this all down here for this community to read. I'm self conscious that this view is totally biased and I really don't want to paint anyone in this story as a villain. All I can really reflect on is how I perceived these things as they happened. But the actions, words spoken, and timeline of events are definitely as accurate as I could make them. I'm sorry about this novel and am grateful for you reading this.

Thank You

[Caretaker2]

Oh this is embarrassing. The "apathy"s are all supposed to read "empathy." I think I meant to discuss my apathy, but started writing about how I should have had more empathy from the start. Apologies for the Freudian slips.

(Hopefully not that.)

Thanks again

[Rayban]

Why in the world are you helping her with HER rent, and paying her medical bills?

If she lied to you for a month, it's cause she needed you financially. So while you were paying her bills she's seeing her ex.

Dont lie to your parents especially not on her behalf. They will always be there for you, her on the other hand will drop you when it suits her. You don't have children together, and dont let her FOG you into paying her debts.

[Naddred369]

Reading your story gave me the chills. My ex did the same tactics with her phone.  Horrible memories.
Please do not give this woman any more money.  She has cheated,  broke all the rules within a relationship and must deal with the consequences herself. 
You owe her nothing anymore! 
My ex tried guilt tripping,  shaming me to give her money or items that I owned after I found her cheating.  Please please don't give her any more.
Tell your parents immediately what has happened.  All of it.  You need support from people who truly love you. TELL THEM!
Then, tell your ex you have told them everything!  I expect her to go NC rapidly after that.
I believe, from what you have said, that she is trying to continue using you and isolating you.  This is manipulation and dangerous.
You owe her nothing at this time.

[Rayban]

I'm sorry, but this rent thing is still bothering me. You come to YOUR HOME to find her listening to her lovers music, find proof that she "loves" another man, and wants him to meet her granny.  Have you ever met her?

Then she purposely messes up your apartment, bossing you around to get her stuff, leaving you a mess to tidy up, while she's off to romance with another guy. Dude you seem like to nice of a guy.

Your family took her in when hers couldn't or didn't want to.  You've sacraficed enough . Now she wants you out of your home so that she gets to enjoy the comforts of independent living, while you're back under you're parents roof, lying to them so that they could pay half her rent? Wtf?

She's the ungrateful, spolied, cheating lyar and should be the one to get the heck our of your apartment. You have a lease till August,  she's the one who cheated and should be the one leaving.  I'm sure you're parents would have no problem helping you financially provided you be honest and truthful to them. You have no idea how important family is after a break-up like this.
Take your power and self respect back.  Make her responsible for her mistakes don't enable her. Sorry if this might sound harsh but I've seen this type of crap multiple times. Could you imagine what her ex thinks of you? He's banging your girl, who calls his name while she intimate with you and now you half to pay what's likely to be his rent once he moves in or spends alot of time there.  Does that sound reasonable to you?

[once removed]

I'm self conscious that this view is totally biased and I really don't want to paint anyone in this story as a villain.

hey guys, this is someone elses experience; a new member seeking support. inflaming the sense of injustice when we are triggered, toward someone who is in a high emotional state - helpful?

  Caretaker2, im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you found us. discovering those sorts of text messages, and after a six year relationship has understandably left you with some very difficult and painful questions. theres a great deal to sort out here. we are here to help you through it.

do i have it right that you are currently still living together?

[MiserableMostly]

Yes, I agree with what everyone else said. You should cut her off completely. You are still so young. You should appreciate the fact that you went through this at such an early age because if you go through the healing process properly you will be so much stronger and your life will be so much better.

You need to lean on your family for support here. You need to be honest with them. Prioritize your needs and them over her. She is worthless. She is not worth anything. She is sick, sad, and pathetic. You are what's important. In situations like these it doesn't matter how much you like someone, or how much guilt you feel... .you need to muster up the courage and energy to like yourself more. Choose you. You are the only one who will always be there for you.

It might help to imagine yourself not as you but as your child. You are the parent to your child. Okay so as your child explain to your parent self what has just happened, how you were treated and how you feel. Then as the parent I want you to respond and take action. How would the perfect parent respond in this situation? I would imagine they'd be so angry for how their child has been treated, so understanding of what they went through... .but the one thing remains true, they would do anything to keep you away from her.

Okay if you can't handle that then look at it this way. If you continue to see her... .if you pay for her medical bills and allow her to take the apartment, or talk to her in anyway, you are practicing positive reinforcement. What she just did was repulsive, inhuman, detestable behavior. And you are planning on rewarding her with money, your attention, and her own apartment. What you are doing is called 'enabling.' You are ALLOWING her to act the way she does without suffering the consequences. That is not good for her. That just shows her that that behavior is acceptable and she'll continue to do that in the future. And due to that she will never hit rock bottom and never seek real treatment for her disorder. And it'll be because people like you allow her to benefit from her sickness.

So if you care about her... .but more importantly if you care about the people who care about you and don't want to see you suffer... .but more importantly if you care about yourself here's what you need to do:

- She needs to be cut off. Completely. Blocked on all social media. Blocked on the phone.
- You should not pay a dime for her medical bills. You are not responsible for that and you never were.
- You should pack up all her stuff (or better yet get her parents to do this for you) and deliver it to wherever she decides to go live next
- Tell her you'll pay the full rent for the apartment, she's gone.
- Never talk to her again. Love yourself enough to cut her out of your life.
- Tell all the friends you have left and your family especially that you need support NOW. This is the most important part of your life up until this point. You never needed support more than you need it right now.
- Get a therapist, go at least once a week
- Once you do all this, you should start going on your spiritual and mental journey of healing that I'm going to say after two years will lead you to a much better you and you can go ahead and live the rest of your life.

I know its hard to see it this way now. But this ending was a blessing. You don't want to be tied down to a mental illness the rest of your life. You're worth so much more than that. There's a lot that led you to be in this situation in the first place that you need to focus on fixing right now. You get the chance to do that.

Isn't it interesting that you felt your best when you were Long Distance? Think about that.

[Caretaker2]

@once removed

She is currently out of town. I am in the apartment in the city our school is in. I have already graduated, she is in her last semester struggling to find an internship to graduate. I was talking to my parents about finding a job back in their city (where she is currently visiting) to get out of here before she comes back next weekend. That way I could get some space from parents and also be busy with something. I hope it works out.

@Rayban and @naddred369

The money stuff bothers me a lot, however I am being pretty firm on my boundaries. I just don't want any more rage texts or calls or anything that I would get if I just left her with all this. She would be basically homeless if I completely cut and ran and didn't finish paying the rent while she is trying to find an internship. I would completely agree with everyone here except for that detail
The ex name thing was a long long long time ago, I only mentioned it to say that I don't think she was ever over him completely from the start. They were in different states while we were both in school so all this cheating stuff is very new, I think. I can't believe her anymore so I honestly can't say for sure. I just know we were together like 24/7 in school, so I don't think this has been going on for long.

I'm very very close with her family. She never reached out to them during her life with her mom until she was in college. She only just told her aunt on her dad's side about all this stuff with her mom a couple months ago. She is very afraid of asking them for help for whatever reason. I believe that she is very insecure about asking her family for help.

I told her last night that she needs to talk to her uncles (mentioned in my main post) about getting a drivers license. She said that they wouldn't do anything, which may happen, but not very likely I think. Her aunt on her dad's side has had more than 2 children who have all learned to drive and all that so I told her to get her to help with getting the learner's permit and then practicing. Still says no to that and that I can't leave her with all this, etc. I just kept trying to affirm that she has support in other places besides me. I feel so extremely guilty about that. My parents would always make fun of me for doing so much for her, but it always just seemed like she had medical conditions at different times that just made it hard to say no when she needed help. Like the giant medical bill, the hair thinning it just all seems like she really was playing some long game and I just can't believe I was listening to her this whole time.

I don't think that I'll have trust issues from this, but it's so creepy and weird. Like how could you, you know? You were living like royalty and you mess it up for what? A month of affirmation from the guy who lied to have sex with you the first time? Like what would any of this mean to a normal person? I keep restraining myself from looking at her with a BPD lens since she's not even formally diagnosed, but I just don't think I've ever seen other people act like this. Like both of them just seem so out of touch. Like I'm talking to aliens or something. When I had spoke to her ex on the phone he like wanted to argue with me about this stuff and was getting mad and feeling offended. Like what even makes you think you should be mad for me calling you a creep for doing this creepy thing? You knew everything about her and you just totally messed up everything.

I had this vision of getting a job, buying DBT treatments for her, settling debts, and being happy you know. Like I know I would be "walking on eggshells" around her but I justified as being more empathetic, which seemed nicer than what I was usually brought up around.

She kept saying she didn't feel like a person. I would ask her to elaborate but she said that's about as good as she can explain it as. Like her interactions with people aren't genuine even if she's trying to be. She told me that part a few weeks ago and I just told her that you just gotta be nice to people even if you mean it or not. Just don't be malicious with your niceness. I had no idea she was talking about this level of apathy (Used it right this time!).

I don't want to think that I'm yanking my parents around, but I feel incredibly guilty about it. But I just can't skip the rent payments and I hope they never find out about this. I really wanted to fix her. That's so terrible to say but I thought it could happen. Like not me personally fix her, but keep a calm environment so she could seek help. I'm super low maintenance but stuff would just always seem to pop up out of nowhere with her mom, dog stuff, her various insecurity meltdowns, money issues, online shopping addictions, making sure stuff she didn't want got returned on time, minding my interactions, all while I wouldn't say anything about stuff she was doing that would make her mad if it were me doing them.

I feel dumb as hell. Idk why it takes cheating as a final straw for this realization to set in. That's not say I haven't felt like this before; her other abusive moments made feel just as betrayed and hurt as they do now. I guess coupled with the feeling of it being really over this time just seems so foreign to me that I'm pretty spooked by it. She was there for everything, saved me from a diabetic seizure I had when I hit my head, comforted me when my parents were being narcissistic and lashing out at me, showed me some really great things.

It's hard to hold on these growths I've made as a person in this relationship and move on at the same time. Everything I currently do has a connection to her, even the math I'm currently studying makes me feel like I'm still doing it for us. I can feel a physical tension in my chest of these two ideas trying to split and I can't seem to make it hurt any less.

[MiserableMostly]

And one more thing: I am very proud of you for ending this relationship. You should be very proud of yourself. Many of us here would not have had the courage to walk away. By doing that you proved to yourself and her that you have self-worth, that you deserve respect, and are worth fighting for. You meant it when you said it. Do not go back on your word. Do not go back on yourself. You took the first step to escaping this Hell. And it was a big one.

[MiserableMostly]

She would be basically homeless if I completely cut and ran and didn't finish paying the rent while she is trying to find an internship.

THAT is EXACTLY why you should cut her off. Everyone is responsible for him or herself. You are responsible for YOU. She is responsible for HER. If you enable her behavior you will only be hurting her. She will never learn her lesson or seek DBT if she doesn't suffer the very negative consequences of her actions. This is a pivotal moment in her life. She is at the point where she could suffer greatly from what she's done and may actually have a moment of clarity that gets her into treatment. If you enable this behavior now it may just get more ingrained in her. And there's nothing worse then a successful 30 year old who's gotten by just fine with BPD all while treating people like garbage. Because there is no hope for them. They've been doing just fine without treatment outside of relationships... .why change now? If you don't cut your ex off now, she will learn to adapt as she starts her career and she will never improve. Don't ruin her life by helping her now. Don't ruin yours by helping her now. Walk away.

[once removed]

I keep restraining myself from looking at her with a BPD lens since she's not even formally diagnosed

do both. learning about BPD helps explain a lot, and also helps us depersonalize what are very hurtful behaviors. just keep in perspective that a lot of what you learn is not unique to BPD and can be seen through a lens of human nature; most of our exes are not diagnosed but theres a lot to be gained from learning more about this disorder.

Idk why it takes cheating as a final straw for this realization to set in.

i think that we all had the best of intentions, overlooked red flags and abusive behavior, and a great deal of us had a "final straw" that became just another line with the sand kicked over it. its a heavy betrayal, and it will take time to grieve, but it took what it took for you to say youd had enough.

Everything I currently do has a connection to her

its been a six year relationship with tremendous highs and lows, and this is an understandable reaction. we dont make new memories and associations over night. i recall that the first steps i took still felt as if they resolved around my ex (they do, in a sense.).

are you seeing a therapist? there are so many complicated and complex aspects to these relationships and the grief, and in addition to support here, many members have found seeing a therapist invaluable to their recovery.

[Naddred369]

Really feel for you Caretaker 2,
I was in a 5 year relationship and I think she had BPD traits, she could have been just a horrible person. It still is a horrible situation and I feel your pain.  I lived it myself once.
Whatever you do, please know you are not dumb.  You are an intelligent man and you seem kind and caring and empathic.  NOT DUMB.
Just please keep coming to the boards,  read,  ask questions,  vent, but please keep yourself safe.  Ask help from friends and family. It's better knowing people have your back, you have their support. 
Things get better,  it takes time.  A lot of time in my case but it will improve! 
Best of luck. 

[Caretaker2]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I can tell that everyone here has a lot more experience with the grief of these relationships than I do. I am planning on seeing a psychiatrist when I get back to my parents'. I don't think I'm in a position to harm myself or put myself in any risky situation that could lead to something, I actually think I can say that it isn't a problem. I probably felt more like that when we were actually together in college (college stress, her stress, etc.). So that should say a lot.

I understand wanting to completely cut her off for the sake of helping her, but I really feel like she is the type of person that would spend all her time being the victim in a situation like that. She will not pick herself back up, she will just be angry. I also see how she would use that as a means to always get by in life while not changing. So I guess what I want to say is that I may mostly just want her out of my life first than her getting helped. Although I do really want her to get help, just by herself or not with me around. I don't want her being triggered by something like making her homeless that she does something stupid and brash that she hurts herself, someone else, possibly me or my family, her family because of something that I could necessarily afford to do for the next few months. After August it really will be done. I feel that if I dropped everything now, so soon, I will be plagued the rest of my life by her and feel more guilt than I already am wrongly feeling. Seeing how quickly she went from saying she loved me and how sorry she was to name calling with ass just showed me that it wouldn't work the way I want it. I can't get her to 'poof' at the moment, but I'll definitely make sure she has gradually vanished by August. I think the constant reminder of being empathetic makes me feel this way, I just don't see that as very healthy to do as a person to someone that could be very very ill. The behavior is sickening and has made me gag the past week thinking about it and what it could lead up to, and what it actually did lead to. It's so stupid and misguided of her. I still can't believe she did this.