Help

[Olive-Mary]

Not sure where to start or even if it's here
My partner of 7 years has BPD
I have 6 children, 2 of them are his.
He's under mental health
I'm struggling
We love him so much
But we all need help right now my kids are emotional wrecks and it's killing me
Can this work out without it ending in either him on his own or
Or will it result in my children needing help to deal with mental health issues
How do you know when to say no more

[Soulcrushed4]

Have you been able to access any support or counselling for yourself and the kids?

I had enrolled myself in a 12 week course to gain a better understanding of BPD and communicating etc but ended up needing to ask for a protection order prior to attending.

Now I am in individual counselling. My daughters go to counselling and I have reached out to local BPD and mental health experts for resources related to navigating coparenting with someone with BPD.

[takingandsending]

Hi Olive-Mary and welcome to bpdfamily.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your family are undergoing. It sounds like you are all living under one roof, but you aren't certain if you can continue to stay together. Is that correct?

When you say your kids are emotional wrecks, can you describe a little more about what is happening for them right now? Dealing with the ups and downs of a person with BPD can be really hard, especially for children. You mention that he's under mental health. Is he currently in treatment? If so, can you let us know what kind of treatment he is getting?

There are many very good communication tools here to help not make things worse, which is often, unwittingly, what so many of us do when we interact with a person with BPD. In the BPD person's world, feelings=facts. So we often are reacting to statements, refuting them, defending or explaining ourselves or our positions, which leads to arguments becoming more heated, unending and unhappiness for all parties. But, for the person with BPD, it was always about what they were feeling, so our arguments, explanations, etc. are perceived only as invalidating what they feel. Learning to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) can immediately lessen some of the volatility in life with a person with BPD. There are more tools that help us to express our truths in a non violent way. All of these things can help and will at least give you the space to begin to see your own self with more clarity. Right now, it sounds like things are really entangled, and that's pretty common living with someone who really struggles with boundaries. Do you think that you could take a look at some of the communication tools on the Improving board to see if they may help?

In the end, each decision to continue the relationship or to move toward ending it is a very personal one. But the folks on this forum can help support you in your process, whatever you decide. I am sorry for the hardships in your house right now. You are not alone, and it can get better. Please keep posting here, and I am certain more experienced folks will come along to help out.

[livednlearned]

Or will it result in my children needing help to deal with mental health issues

How old are the kids? Do you see them displaying signs of stress?

Some kids are more emotionally resilient. Some are genetically predisposed to mental health issues, and an invalidating or chaotic environment can trigger them.

There are ways to help the kids. What kinds of things are you most worried about?

LnL