Trying to clear my mind

[NXR]

I just want to get this out there. It's easier for me to organize my thoughts by writing than speaking. Any validation or advise is appreciated.

For the last week or two, at least, Ive been feeling a lot more sad and depressed and guilty. Every part of me is saying that I should just get a divorce, but I don't want to lose my best friend, or go on this next adventure/phase of my life without him. But I'm so tired of being in this relationship... .emotionally, mentally ... .I think it's past repairing ... .I don't know if I'll ever be happy or Always be wondering what if - but that cuts both ways stay or go. Maybe my fantasizing about being on my own is just that - a fantasy and the grass won't be greener. I don't want want to break his heart (which is his form of emotional manipulation - forcing me to be the one to end it and thrusting the responsibility for it all on my shoulders; though recognizing that's what's going on - unless I'm totally delusional, which I've been wondering lately - doesn't make it any easier).

To a very large extent I've given up and stopped trying. So then when he reacts in a negative or hostile way, is it really fair to blame him? He is trying, somewhat, I think - though it's sporadic and stunted - four or five days things are great, then two or three they're horrible. His habits and mannerisms - which I used to tolerate before - are becoming so irritable to me, and I become visibly annoyed or just shut down at times. That's not fair to him, and so I can't fault him 100% for his reactions (although, I can't excuse them either, i.e. throwing a burrito bowl across the room because I forgot to get cilantro - like, What the heck? - oh, but then the cycle starts up and I get swept back into it). I don't want to be without him, but I don't want to be with him either. I'm so confused. I feel like I'm already greiving over this relationship while I'm still in it.

[TommyBahama]

Do you think he is going to change even though he is trying?  Do you see improvement?  I am at the point where I do not see my significant other as my best friend because my bet friends never put me through this and I can have a conversation with my best friends.  My problem is the same, it is hard detaching from someone you love and have been with for a while.

[BeagleGirl]

The times of "trying" on the part of your hwBPD sound familiar, as does the guilt you feel over having "given up".  For me, I started to see the "trying" on my hwBPD's part not as actual attempts to change the dynamics of our relationship, but as part of the cycle of abuse.  I started to be able to set my watch by that cycle.  That may not be the case for you, but recognizing the cycle helped me put a name to what I was facing and start setting boundaries.

I have found a separation very helpful for putting things into perspective, if not (yet) for helping me make a decision about what path forward to take.  I wish I had done it sooner, while I still had some level of connection to serve as a foundation for rebuilding on.  Maybe breaking the cycle sooner would have helped me preserve more hope that things could change.