So last night was just the beginning :(

[isilme]

Annnd, just spent all of lunch getting yelled at.  I tried to 'hide' in the kitchen but he was on a rampage and just would not stop today.  Sometimes he will just go eat and leave me be, and I can come in after a few minutes.  it will be tense but at least I'm not getting yelled at.  That was not today. 

It was a gamut of all things basically being my fault or my job to fix- from home repairs I've not had time or money to work on to how his family behaves and interacts, to how he is going to lose his job - just because.  I know it's much like everyone else has encountered, and how my not fixing them means I am not listening or don't care, etc.  His health issues have made his emotions a mess, but he is not taking much responsibility for actually DOING anything about them.  We tried chiro - did not help much.  Looks like it's moe than a simple injury that a series of adjustments can fix.  I know this stresses him.  I know that anything I say that does not coincide with his best years being over and him dying in a year or two is invalidating.  I know now that we need to explore more things that will require more testing, and he never has enough leave saved to go DO it, since all MDs we need are a minimum of an hour away.  And we need referrals.  And I am tired.  That's pretty much the sum of my feelings at this moment.  I tend tp push everything aside till I feel "safe" expressing them, and I've not got that at the moment, so the only acceptable feeling is exhaustion.  I KNOW he feels bad.  I KNOW he is having trouble.  I also know that he seems to want to just complain about it than, oh, I don't know, look up a DR on his own.  He tells me "don't pretend you're my mom" and then won't adult, forcing me into caretaker responsibilities so he can resent me.  He won't give me feedback about whether he feels any better day to day, or worse, or how.  How the F is a MD going to make sense of his condition(s) if I can't get him to quantify them?  He expects them to hear him say something once and magically know exactly what to do, else the just did not listen.  It could never be he explains badly.  Or refuses to repeat himself.  Or sometimes uses a confusing way to say things.  I need to get him in for blood sugar screening.  I need to see if a urologist can pinpoint what is pinched/swollen that may be stopping his legs from working well and causing him daily pain.  But it's always me DOING.  I can't in good conscience just let him complain.  I tried that, thinking it was just teh BPD making him exaggerate.  But no, he really is haivng problems.  And it's makeing a feedback loop with his emotions.

I am tired.  I could not eat.  I get upset and don't want food.  Not a bad thing, overall, I need to lose weight and put on some with the stress of his health and things at my job.  I am just tired, I did my best to not escalate things, and want to sit here at my desk and cry and be left alone.  I love him.  But sometimes I really want a break from this sort of stuff.  I could "fix" a lot of things if frankly, he was not in the mix on days like this.  I defer to him when possible, and just go do things otherwise when time demands it.  But it always comes down to ME doing things.  And I am tired.  I brought my sandwich to work, will prolly be able to eat in a bit.  Overall, he feels like he is sliding back to a place he's not been in years.  I don't want him there.  I can't make his parents stop hoarding.  I can't make his sister not think all her relatives are like the parents because she is a snob.  I can't make his little brother step up and help take care of the parents, or prevent the sister from stripping the house of anything of value.  I can't MAKE them see that he, too, is having health issues.  He is mad at them, as some of his issues are mirroring theirs.  I'm sorry - I just need a place to talk.  Since this weekend, he has been spiralling down, and I am tired.  I just got off 15 days of treatment for my own respiratory infection, I want to rest, but I want to catch up on the cleaning I let slide, the yard, and yes, some tasks he yelled about at lunch, like cleaning out our office.  I just feel like the progress and his improvements in coping has gone out the window, which depresses me.  I know it's going to happen.  I just hate when it does.

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[isilme]

Sigh.  So his mom messaged me asking what we wanted to do for Easter - I told her I did not know if we could go to her house - H is having trouble with stairs because his walking has not improved and that we were getting over a 15-day treatment for being sick, all while still going to work.  She knew we were sick - he told her the day before we went to Dr. the first time.  So, she sends a feeling sorry for herself text telling us all to not bother coming down, so the brother can have fun on his days off, the sister can have fun with eh grandkids, and H can "rest his legs".  I am mad.  Her son is having trouble walking.  He has been trying to tell her since last Fall.  His legs are not tired - he has something blocking signals to a nerve.  We tried 4 months of chiro to see if it could help.  Initially, there was some improvement, but no.  It's warmer outside, he's had treatments 3 times a week, 2 times a week, and we are seeing how one time a week goes, and he is still having trouble feeling his feet and walking.

I know we need him tested for diabetes and maybe prostate issues - something is causing the lack of nerve response.  I am trying.  She forgets we need to go see MDs and specialists around actually working - we are not retired.  This just validates his feelings that his parents don't listen.  Today is just a crappy day. 

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry. Those days when you get attacked for nothing in particular as soon as you walk in the door are difficult. Adding physical pain to it can make things worse. When you think he is unloading on you but is actually in pain is there a way you can try to direct the conversation to him talking about hte pain instead of focusing on you?

As for his mom, let her do her thing. She is putting a guilt trip on you and if you feel like you now have to go chasing after her to make things right then she will continue to do so. She is being selfish and acting like a martyr in the way she reacted. Don't give her the reaction she wants.

[isilme]

I think the mom triggers me a bit because overall, she has been far more positive than my parents ever were.  So I guess that says a lot about my FOO, but my FOO kept me in line with a LOT of FOG.  I am NC with my FOO.  I think H can maintain some contact with his, but they make drama over little things - I think his mom is the epicenter of the BPD and fleas in her kids. 

We got it sorted out.  I think.  Today has been a better day, and H even looked at me last night at bedtime and apologized for losing his temper, that he had a bad day feeling so poorly and he was sorry for making my day worse, too.  So, he IS doing better, in the between times as far as his awareness of his behaviour.  It's the during that he's probably always going to be hard to be around. 

[WitzEndWife]

Ugh, it certainly sounds like you're in a pickle right now. If nothing else is triggering him, it might be that the pain, and the lack of control around the medical issue, is freaking him out, and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and so he dysregulates over it. I find that when my H doesn't have a solution to something, he comes completely unglued and irrational.

It's so hard when it comes to medical issues. Do you step in? Do you let him suffer? It can be hard to watch, and so hard to resist becoming caretaker.

I wonder if you can apply validation to get him to come up with a plan. Maybe frame it as, "It hurts me to watch you suffer like that. I'm exhausted with worry. What can I do, as your partner, to help you?" So, instead of inserting yourself and "Mom-ing" him, you partner.

Even if he goes all, ":)oom and gloom" on you, you can just validate, and move on. If he starts complaining excessively, and it bugs you, you can enforce a boundary there.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like the most pressing issue is that he needs to see a neurologist.
However, of course, that would be his choice to do or not.
The rest of the issues imo, seem to be a distraction from the big glaring one.

[isilme]

Trying to get to a neurologist and other specialists (he might also have asthma) - difficult on many levels without the BPD adding to it:

We live ins a small rural town, about an hour from the nearest "big town" where most of the specialists work.  To get there and to an appointment, we pretty much need all day off work.  It can't be a morning appointment and us just hope not to be in a waiting room for a few hours not have to blow an entire day, and we've tried a few afternoon appointments where we leave at lunch, but I have to speed on the backroads to get there in time past traffic before tardiness allowed them to cancel - not safe, so it's a whole day.   

I usually drive and he feels anxiety driving BEFORE the neuropathy and now since he's not sure his legs will react on command, he's even more so.  So, we both need to have hours off saved up.  I'm okay, been working to save up hours since I used all mine a few years back with the flu.  Leave without pay is not an option at our workplaces (it's really frowned upon and for some has built a case for dismissal).  He is trying to save up hours, looking into sick leave pools and FMLA, but on a morning when he simply is in pain (and yes, BPD will probably make the pain feel more overwhelming and trigger his depression more than it would for someone else), he stays in until he feels it lessen and certain he can walk reliably.  So his hours off dwindle.  He is making an effort I can see to not succumb to the desire to stay in, and is making effort to go in.  He has managed to save a few the last two months, but we are trying to get enough for about a week's worth of visits saved.  With his BPD, any month that he makes it with ANY hours saved is a win as far as I am concerned. 

Specialists want a  referral.  So, in addition to needing time to see the specialist(s) (neurologist, pulmonologist, possible urologist) I need to get him into a GP to get a referral.  This equals more time off needed, as the few in our town worth seeing have 8-5 hours (the same hours we work).  And they take about 2 months to get in to see.  So I have an appointment set up for him, but it's not till June.  There, I will ask that he be screened for diabetes just to rule out diabetic neuropathy.  It runs strongly in his family, so it needs to be looked into.  I think he is hypoglycemic, not diabetic, but I can't find a correlation in any publications about similar nerve problems.  Also, with a friend coming off learning she had several uterine masses to be removed, I want to see if they can rule out something pressing onto the nerve. 

All of this with him sometimes acting like a cranky child about it all, sometimes like a grown ass man.  A "good" thing about the friend is that it lets him know he's not the only one our age (she's actually much younger) with problems, and helps keep the pity parties shorter. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Seems to me that if he is losing control of his lower limbs, then this could be a priority to get diagnosed.  I recall some time back this being an issue.

Way I see it is either RA that he may have a deteriorating disease that may take away his ability to walk, may become wheelchair bound and need a full-time or part-time caregiver, etc. Or maybe it doesn't get worse, idk.  (I wouldn't count on it spontaneously improving, just haven't seen that myself)

Or try to BOTH diagnose and treat the issue medically.  (Seeking chiropracter, without diagnosis, did not work)

Seems to me that this is of utmost importance and well, either he cooperates or doesn't.  We cannot control others.  We can just do our part.

I'm not sure your responsibility this is to make him comply.

Only way I see your role is a support one atm.  Helping where he wants and agrees to help, nudging where he is getting distracted.  Keeping an even head and doing self care so you can think clearly, prioritize, and have a plan that helps you feel confident that you are doing your role in a support. (Not expecting yourself to get him agree to stuff that he doesn't.). Then after you have done what you can, releasing yourself from the outcome so you can manage with day to day stuff best.

In the end, they are his legs.  If he is not interested in seeking help for his mobility issues, well, I guess that is his choice.  If other things in the short term seem a priority to him and he is not grasping long term implications then, idk what would help.  Maybe not validating the invalid and not engaging in distractions from the main issue? Idk tho really, I'm not there, can't juge this.

Maybe someone else has something more helpful, idk.

For me tho, kinda hard for me to focus on talk of urologists or taking off work issues when the man appears to have lost enough mobility in lower limbs thta are saying he s not fe to drive.

Way I see it is, I can get a new job, but legs are harder to replace.  Just my 4 cents tho!

[isilme]

I think he CAN drive, but his overall anxiety about driving, he rarely drives in town, plus his BPD, make driving to a city he's not familiar with a bad idea.  I can't tell how much of this is actual, how much is emotional, and how much is exaggerated.  BPD seems to tend towards the dramatic and hypochondria in my experience.

I have made it a priority, but like you said, I can only lead him to water, he's got to drink.  With limited time, access and money, I've got the only plan that seems to be feasible - get to a decent GP in town.  Get his referral.  Get him to assessment and screened.  He can't lose his job for leave without pay, because then he'd have no insurance.  No job, no insurance, no MD at all.  So, we get in to the appointment if I can't get him in sooner, and take it from there as I look for Drs open past 5PM.

Look, pwBPD are emotionally disabled.  I know a lot of what's on here is a form of tough love, and day to day, some boundaries work that push the responsibility back on them.  But he shuts donw, and I can't let him ignore it.  So I do my best to tackle what I can, and get him there.  Him agreeing to even go is such a big step I can't explain it. 

[Grey Kitty]

I will ask that he be screened for diabetes just to rule out diabetic neuropathy.

Isn't it possible to get equipment for testing blood sugar at a drugstore affordably? Measuring and logging it for a while before you see a doctor should help speed the diagnosis/elimination of this possibility.