Parenting, By Stuart Smalley

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If anyone remembers this: https://youtu.be/6ldAQ6Rh5ZI

We've been doing in-home ABA sessions for over a month now for S7's Level 1 Autism (what they used to call Asperger's). Due to the custody schedule,  it's either 2 or 3 nights per week, 6:30-830. It's hard to coordinate homework, dinner,  baths with kids this young.  D5 thinks the therapy tech is there to play with her,  too.  Given her personality,  she can dominate. Their previous bedtime was 8:30. As in,  already in bed.  It's been 930 and I'm still trying to get them to sleep.  At 5 and 7, this is hard,  and hard to get them ready to leave for school the following morning by 8:10. Luckily,  I'm 5 minutes from school
 Their mom is 20 mins,  harder for her.  I've been having to go to sleep with them,  otherwise they won't go to sleep. It's been taking away Turkish time,  and my time here. 

We had our first clinical meeting in my home.  I did a good job cleaning. My ex even commented,  "good job daddy!" I'm still walking on eggshells.

The 2 hour meeting in my living room went ok.  After the other three adults left, the kids were excited that their mom was there. They asked her to stay,  read and play with them.  They also wanted her to sleep over. Awkward. I told them that mommy had her own place to go back to,  and that she was only putting them to sleep. 

After a bit of rough housing on the part of the kids,  she prayed with them.  I shut out the light to communicate bed time.  It was after 9 by then.  She prayed with them.  I was standing with my leg against the wall.  Then she said,  "ok,  let's do our affirmations." I knew what a coming,  though being previously unaware that she did this. 

"I'm beautiful."

"I'm a genius."

"I deserve the best in life."

At this point,  I wished I could have recorded it. There were four to five others. But my mind was remembering stuart smalley and I tuned them out.  I didn't say a word.  D5 cried for her to stay.  Mommy cried a little.  I said I'd stay with them,  and she let herself out the front door.  Both kids were disturbed, and wouldn't go to sleep, so I ended up going to sleep with them. 

We got advice on the summer during a Parenting class.  The T coordinator even called her out in class,  "don't label the kids,  just tell them what they did right. " in other words, focus on the behaviors.  Seems like she still doesn't get it. 

I know that at both grew up in invalidating, shaming environments, but the kids are blank slates. I know she thinks that she's inoculating the kids against this,  but the kids aren't responsible for our feelings.  I'm trying to think how I can talk to them about this without alienating them. Maybe the best thing I could do is continue to do what I do and deal with anything that comes up as it does. 

[Turkish]

If anyone remembers this: https://youtu.be/6ldAQ6Rh5ZI

We've been doing in-home ABA sessions for over a month now for S7's Level 1 Autism (what they used to call Asperger's). Due to the custody schedule,  it's either 2 or 3 nights per week, 6:30-830. It's hard to coordinate homework, dinner,  baths with kids this young.  D5 thinks the therapy tech is there to play with her,  too.  Given her personality,  she can dominate. Their previous bedtime was 8:30. As in,  already in bed.  It's been 930 and I'm still trying to get them to sleep.  At 5 and 7, this is hard,  and hard to get them ready to leave for school the following morning by 8:10. Luckily,  I'm 5 minutes from school
 Their mom is 20 mins,  harder for her.  I've been having to go to sleep with them,  otherwise they won't go to sleep. It's been taking away Turkish time,  and my time here. 

We had our first clinical meeting in my home.  I did a good job cleaning. My ex even commented,  "good job daddy!" I'm still walking on eggshells.

The 2 hour meeting in my living room went ok.  After the other three adults left, the kids were excited that their mom was there. They asked her to stay,  read and play with them.  They also wanted her to sleep over. Awkward. I told them that mommy had her own place to go back to,  and that she was only putting them to sleep. 

After a bit of rough housing on the part of the kids,  she prayed with them.  I shut out the light to communicate bed time.  It was after 9 by then.  She prayed with them.  I was standing with my leg against the wall.  Then she said,  "ok,  let's do our affirmations." I knew what a coming,  though being previously unaware that she did this. 

"I'm beautiful."

"I'm a genius."

"I deserve the best in life."

At this point,  I wished I could have recorded it. There were four to five others. But my mind was remembering stuart smalley and I tuned them out.  I didn't say a word.  D5 cried for her to stay.  Mommy cried a little.  I said I'd stay with them,  and she let herself out the front door.  Both kids were disturbed, and wouldn't go to sleep, so I ended up going to sleep with them. 

We got advice on the summer during a Parenting class.  The T coordinator even called her out in class,  "don't label the kids,  just tell them what they did right. " in other words, focus on the behaviors.  Seems like she still doesn't get it. 

I know that at both grew up in invalidating, shaming environments, but the kids are blank slates. I know she thinks that she's inoculating the kids against this,  but the kids aren't responsible for our feelings.  I'm trying to think how I can talk to them about this without alienating them. Maybe the best thing I could do is continue to do what I do and deal with anything that comes up as it does. 

[livednlearned]

I remember Stuart Smalley 

There's an interesting article on the inverse power of praise that might be interesting given what your ex is doing.

[Turkish]

I remember this article.  Maybe you were the one who posted it another time.  Great stuff.

Since the 1969 publication of The Psychology of Self-Esteem, in which Nathaniel Branden opined that self-esteem was the single most important facet of a person, the belief that one must do whatever he can to achieve positive self-esteem has become a movement with broad societal effects. Anything potentially damaging to kids’ self-esteem was axed. Competitions were frowned upon. Soccer coaches stopped counting goals and handed out trophies to everyone. Teachers threw out their red pencils. Criticism was replaced with ubiquitous, even undeserved, praise.

When I was 13, I remember getting a participation trophy for swim team.  I thought,  "why am I getting a trophy? I didn't get any medals or add any season points to the team?"

The next year,  getting more into puberty, I did medal,  even getting a few blue ribbons in butterfly and breast stroke. My trophy was bigger; I knew I'd earned it.  

Though I agree with my ex that the school our kids are in isn't the greatest,  because of their peer group, they are where they are.  She's moved 3 times in 4 years,  to two different districts. Being single in the Bay Area, I can't afford to move.  We are where we are.  She wanted for D5 to skip preschool,  even though by California law that would have put her in limbo for a year.  She wanted S7 to skip kindergarten.  With his ASD1 issues? Talk about setting up a kid for failure. Like it was mentioned in the article,  smart kids shy away from putting in extra effort for fear of failure. In the Silicon Valley,  his peers would have Tiger Parents. That's a lot of pressure.  My concern is raising children with character,  and instilling within them emotional resilience. To me,  these affirmations set them up for failure and disappointment.

In the ASD evaluation,  S7 was given an IQ test. Though he scored at 99.7% in something like pattern recognition, his overall score was 1 standard deviation above the mean. Sure,  he's smarter than 92% of the population, but he's not a genius. That would be 15 points higher, two more standard deviations.  

Maybe this is the tack I can take with their mother: share the article,  focusing on her calling them "geniuses," eschewing the whole affirmation nonsense regarding the other stuff. I get that she does this due to the way she feels about herself, and she wants to give the kids what she feels that she didn't receive as a child,  but this isn't the way to go about it.  

In judge myself an "over-achieving under-achiever," and a lot had,  or has to do with,  "you're so smart! Why aren't you doing better? My mom came at me from a slightly different angle,  still incorrect. (ok, at my age, I can stop blaming others  

When I participated in the academic decathlon my senior year in high school,  I cleaned up with 7 gold medals in the tri-county competition. In the decathlon, we were grouped by GPA, my cohort being the lowest: 2.5 and below.  Of course I cleaned up; I was smarter than my GPA cohort, but that was where I was comfortable. The praises I received felt empty, because I knew,  as my mother had berated me since 7th grade,  that I could have gotten a better GPA given my IQ.

Again,  like the article observed,  I felt comfortable where I was,  not putting forth more effort out of fear of failure.  That,  and at the time,  I didn't give a crap... .I got sick of,  "you should be getting straight As!" Yes.  So what?

My goal for my kids is to raise them to be better than I was,  and for them to surpass me. Even so,  I can provide the foundation,  but it's up to them to do the work. If I've done the best that I can,  accepting my mistakes,  it's ultimately up to them as independent entities to become who they will be.  

[livednlearned]

It's also perfectly acceptable to be average or slightly above average 

Says my T.

I look around at my neighbors and coworkers and can see how tenacity and perseverance might be more important than IQ.

[Turkish]

Yep.  Every person i know I  life that has done ok has one common making good choices and persevering. 

[GaGrl]

I would throw "resilience" in there, also.

I see successful people take hard hits and come back having learned something so that it doesn't happen again.

[Ulysses]

I remember Stuart Smalley!  I even had a book of his affirmations, many of which left me laughing pretty hard.

Do you think Carol Dweck's book on Growth Mindset might be helpful?  It discusses fixed mindset (labeling) vs. growth mindset.  I've found it helpful, and my children's school uses it to guide some of their SEL curriculum.

I'm glad you're finding out more about your son, and that he has some support.  I wonder if there are private schools in your area that work with "twice exceptional" students?  Many have scholarships.

[Turkish]

Not all of it,  but much of the public school system drives me nuts,  especially since they switched to common core this year.  In some ways,  S7 is smarter than most,  but given the official IQ test,  I think he fails just short of GATE. His teacher earlier this year commented that he was too interested in facts,  and was drawn to fact based books,  rather than fiction.

D5 is starting kindergarten at the same school in the fall.  The goal by the end of kinder is to have the kids count to 100. She passed that goal earlier this year when she was still 4. Will she stagnate for a year like her brother did in kindergarten? Maybe.  We'll have to focus on teaching more at home,  I guess.  I'm already thinking of getting a home school science book for them.  Being a latch key kid,  I read obsessively and learned a lot on my own. 

My number one goal,  however,  is to raise emotionally resilient kids.  The affirmations telegraph to me the lack of emotional resilience. 

The academics are great,  but aren't the end all be all.  I've worked 25 years in the Silicon Valley (though 3 years in Oregon,  but in the same industry). I'm burned out.  As our former director told my boss after he was laid off and changed careers in his 50s (from engineer to therapist), "is it really worth it to do all of this just so you can have the VP title on your gravestone?"

Though we agree on a lot of things, I disagree with the whole "bling" culture here.  Their mom buys into it.  This is a conflict of values.  It will be interesting to navigate how to raise the kids without alienating them,  but on certain things I won't compromise.