Terminally ill and trying o heal from shame as adult child of severe BPD mother

[San Miguel]

I am a 66 y/o female, retired and have recently been diagnosed with end stage congestive heart failure.  Approximate prognosis 6 mos-1 yr.   In trying to cope with this and make peace with my dying process, I have become overwhelmed and of course eventually very angry to find myself confronted with a hot sensation of permeating shame.  I have dealt with this my whole life, and thought I had made significant progress with the help of counseling, therapy, self education and good friends.  I left a NPD husband after 23 years of a miserable marriage (stayed due to needing help with a special needs child, and because I could only leave when I could, etc), and worked through a lot of depression issues, but rebuilt a content and productive life for myself.  I went from a professional who once proudly announced to my therapist (in all sincerity) that I could leap a tall building in a single bound and roof it on the way over, (my therapist responded, "If a normal person did that, they would be drawing chalk around them.", to a normal person who mostly was just enough, did enough just to be me on any given day- lots of hard work involved.  I went from a very long destructive marriage to a place where I felt I was doing pretty good and believed "I" was the one I had been looking for all my life.  So, in short, didn't expect to be taken out with the hot, ugly, familiar stench of the breath of shame right now. 

 My mother was a severe BPD, with constant neglect, abandonment, emotional, physical and sexual abuse behaviors until she died a few years back.  She tried to kill me twice that I know of, one attempt with me in a coma for two weeks as a child.  She was cursing my "inadequacies to care for her properly" on her death bed.  I worked through survivors issues, understood the illness she suffered from, the effects of the abuse on me and my life, mourned, grieved, cussed, acted out, forgave myself, was able to finally forgive her when the abuse had stopped, then began the healing - working through repeated cycling of these issues in my life.  I found and rescued the innocent and wounded little girl - and was surprised to find out how oddly intact I was after what I had survived.  I have been dedicated to treating myself with kindness, compassion, and an unshakable commitment to never giving anyone permission to abuse me, and am still in the process of recognizing any faulty perceptions and trying to replace them with the real facts when I recognize faulty thinking.  I had even reached a place where it was okay when I made mistakes, regressed, understanding issues, making corrections and moving on with self esteem still intact.

I have this "cognitive image" in my head that I will die peacefully, content with my accomplishments on earth, forgiven of my self sabotage history, and forgiving those who hurt me in the past.  Instead I feel overwhelmed and ashamed of everything that went wrong in my life, who I am, sick and dying, and not doing it with a whole lot of grace and dignity.  And in general, just angry at everything and everyone, mostly me.  I am beginning an old familiar self sabatoge behavior of distancing from friends and loved ones, not wanting to leave my home at all.  OH CRAP!  In just writing this "out loud" to people who hopefully understand, I realized I was back to trying to "roof" the building again, jumping over on my way to die perfectly, feeling there is something wrong with me that I'm dying so young, and not doing it "well".  etc!   

Well, crap, crap, crap!   I am a Christian who also strongly believes in reincarnation and do not want to carry any toxic baggage into my next life.  I'm okay with some, that's inevitable-  but not this shame crap!  Okay, I'm pretty exhausted from feeling all this, actually exposing that I'm feeling it, and overwhelmed.  Thanks for being out there somewhere, any feedback or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  I don't want to move back into this black hole of shame, decorate it and call it home again.  Would just as soon climb out as soon as possible, dust off my butt and get on with living and dying.   Thank you for listening. 

[Turkish]

I've noticed a thing about myself: that I tend to withdraw and push people away when I am hurting. I think it may go back to my childhood, in that when I needed someone as a little cold would,  I felt I had no one.  Does this sound familiar?

Truthfully,  if I were in your place,  and I've thought about something like this a lot,  I might play it out as you are doing.  Do you trust anyone in your life to support you in the time you have left here? Given that,  we will be here to hash things out with you.  This is a lot to unpack.

T

[Reforming]

Hi San Miguel,

I'm not sure that I can say much that will help you. When I read your words it seems to me that you have found remarkable strength and courage to face up to challenges that most of us couldn't imagine.

I know this won't give you much consolation right. 

I can understand why you feel anger. I would too

Shame is so hard and so insidious. It can sneak up and smother even the strongest of us and leave us feeling like helpless, rejected children.

I have tried to do some of the things that you describe. To love and accept myself. To show myself kindness and compassion. To forgive my own mistakes and my flaws. I have found and find it so hard.  

At times I feel I've made progress and then I find myself back on the flat of my back, angry at myself, my repeated failure and my self sabotaging behaviour. I've gradually come to accept that for me change, growth is a life long, no holds barred fight in the mud.

Thank you for sharing with us. We will try and do our best to be here for you

Reforming

[San Miguel]

I think being really ill, needing to start trusting others as I lose independence is triggering the whole enchilada of being vulnerable and needy as a child, and ending up in situations that for me are worse than death.  This may be the only place someone may understand that I'm truly not that afraid of dying- that seems like the easy part right now - having to decide who to trust for the help I need, risking (inviting) possible neglect, abandonment and abuse (torture) if I don't choose wisely, well this scares the stuffing out of me!   I lived in San Miguel de Allende for seven years, and there are two dear friends there that I trust with my life, and my death.  I moved back to Texas because I needed medical care and to be closer at this time to my adult severely disabled grandchild that I raised.  But this has put me in contact with my ex NPD, and this has triggered a lot of past feelings, behaviors and choices.  I would like to return to San Miguel where my heart, peace and Real Self live- but I am too weak at this time, plus the guilt of leaving my grandson at this time- more triggers for feeling shame.  I think there may be some options for hospice, palliative care here and taking the risk of relying on the kindness of strangers seems a better option than on my family and ex-family.  Thank you for responding and for understanding.   

I've noticed a thing about myself: that I tend to withdraw and push people away when I am hurting. I think it may go back to my childhood, in that when I needed someone as a little cold would,  I felt I had no one.  Does this sound familiar?

Truthfully,  if I were in your place,  and I've thought about something like this a lot,  I might play it out as you are doing.  Do you trust anyone in your life to support you in the time you have left here? Given that,  we will be here to hash things out with you.  This is a lot to unpack.

T

I've noticed a thing about myself: that I tend to withdraw and push people away when I am hurting. I think it may go back to my childhood, in that when I needed someone as a little cold would,  I felt I had no one.  Does this sound familiar?

Truthfully,  if I were in your place,  and I've thought about something like this a lot,  I might play it out as you are doing.  Do you trust anyone in your life to support you in the time you have left here? Given that,  we will be here to hash things out with you.  This is a lot to unpack.

T

I am a 66 y/o female, retired and have recently been diagnosed with end stage congestive heart failure.  Approximate prognosis 6 mos-1 yr.   In trying to cope with this and make peace with my dying process, I have become overwhelmed and of course eventually very angry to find myself confronted with a hot sensation of permeating shame.  I have dealt with this my whole life, and thought I had made significant progress with the help of counseling, therapy, self education and good friends.  I left a NPD husband after 23 years of a miserable marriage (stayed due to needing help with a special needs child, and because I could only leave when I could, etc), and worked through a lot of depression issues, but rebuilt a content and productive life for myself.  I went from a professional who once proudly announced to my therapist (in all sincerity) that I could leap a tall building in a single bound and roof it on the way over, (my therapist responded, "If a normal person did that, they would be drawing chalk around them.", to a normal person who mostly was just enough, did enough just to be me on any given day- lots of hard work involved.  I went from a very long destructive marriage to a place where I felt I was doing pretty good and believed "I" was the one I had been looking for all my life.  So, in short, didn't expect to be taken out with the hot, ugly, familiar stench of the breath of shame right now. 

 My mother was a severe BPD, with constant neglect, abandonment, emotional, physical and sexual abuse behaviors until she died a few years back.  She tried to kill me twice that I know of, one attempt with me in a coma for two weeks as a child.  She was cursing my "inadequacies to care for her properly" on her death bed.  I worked through survivors issues, understood the illness she suffered from, the effects of the abuse on me and my life, mourned, grieved, cussed, acted out, forgave myself, was able to finally forgive her when the abuse had stopped, then began the healing - working through repeated cycling of these issues in my life.  I found and rescued the innocent and wounded little girl - and was surprised to find out how oddly intact I was after what I had survived.  I have been dedicated to treating myself with kindness, compassion, and an unshakable commitment to never giving anyone permission to abuse me, and am still in the process of recognizing any faulty perceptions and trying to replace them with the real facts when I recognize faulty thinking.  I had even reached a place where it was okay when I made mistakes, regressed, understanding issues, making corrections and moving on with self esteem still intact.

I have this "cognitive image" in my head that I will die peacefully, content with my accomplishments on earth, forgiven of my self sabotage history, and forgiving those who hurt me in the past.  Instead I feel overwhelmed and ashamed of everything that went wrong in my life, who I am, sick and dying, and not doing it with a whole lot of grace and dignity.  And in general, just angry at everything and everyone, mostly me.  I am beginning an old familiar self sabatoge behavior of distancing from friends and loved ones, not wanting to leave my home at all.  OH CRAP!  In just writing this "out loud" to people who hopefully understand, I realized I was back to trying to "roof" the building again, jumping over on my way to die perfectly, feeling there is something wrong with me that I'm dying so young, and not doing it "well".  etc!   

Well, crap, crap, crap!   I am a Christian who also strongly believes in reincarnation and do not want to carry any toxic baggage into my next life.  I'm okay with some, that's inevitable-  but not this shame crap!  Okay, I'm pretty exhausted from feeling all this, actually exposing that I'm feeling it, and overwhelmed.  Thanks for being out there somewhere, any feedback or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  I don't want to move back into this black hole of shame, decorate it and call it home again.  Would just as soon climb out as soon as possible, dust off my butt and get on with living and dying.   Thank you for listening. 

[San Miguel]

Hi, I know what you mean about it being so hard to love, accept, forgive and be compassionate with ourselves.  At 66, I have cycled through this so many times I have felt like a yo-yo on a bungy cord.  One of the things that kept me in the hard fight to change - that no holds barred fight in the mud - is I noticed that the bottom was never as deep as it was the first time, there was always some progress, some building blocks that remained in place and moved me up a couple of inches off the next bottom.  And knowing the price I paid for that growth helped me appreciate it after a while.  As for my strength and courage- there was always this tough nut, hardheaded little girl in me that always knew she just could not afford to lose.  As scared, vulnerable, and alone as she was; she just wouldn't ever give up. (She'd run, hide, go mute, but was always planning a way out.)   I can still see her, barefoot, running down the lane on a farm, shinnying  up a tree to steal honey and sitting there eating it on a rock in the sun, feet bleeding, bee stings all over and somehow she "knew" she was triumphant.  When I get really scared, ashamed, overwhelmed and want to run and give up, I see her face under that damned bee tree, looking at me anxiously to see if I'm going to abandon her (did several times in adulthood).  She is saying "What are you going to do?"  and I answer, "Whatever it takes."    My strength, courage has always been my ability to think things through - sometimes taking years and many false paths, but always getting there eventually.  I'm afraid that as I'm getting sicker, weaker, etc, I may not have "whatever it takes" now.   Thank you so much, your response has brought her into my memory again, and I will not leave her, she never left me.  However, given current  circumstances, I better get over this insidious shame crap- because I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do it perfectly, or even that well, and it's probably not going to be graceful and look pretty.  Maybe that's okay at last, just to do it like a "normal" person, flopping around in the mud, but still in the fight.  How I hope so. 

Hi San Miguel,

I'm not sure that I can say much that will help you. When I read your words it seems to me that you have found remarkable strength and courage to face up to challenges that most of us couldn't imagine.

I know this won't give you much consolation right. 

I can understand why you feel anger. I would too

Shame is so hard and so insidious. It can sneak up and smother even the strongest of us and leave us feeling like helpless, rejected children.

I have tried to do some of the things that you describe. To love and accept myself. To show myself kindness and compassion. To forgive my own mistakes and my flaws. I have found and find it so hard.  

At times I feel I've made progress and then I find myself back on the flat of my back, angry at myself, my repeated failure and my self sabotaging behaviour. I've gradually come to accept that for me change, growth is a life long, no holds barred fight in the mud.

Thank you for sharing with us. We will try and do our best to be here for you

Reforming

[Fie]

Hello San Miguel 

I would like to return to San Miguel where my heart, peace and Real Self live

Is San Miguel the place where the little girl in you really would like to go ... .?


Last summer my grandma died. A friend recommended me the book 'Who dies ' by Stephen Levine. My whole outlook on dying changed while reading it. In stead of only being sad and afraid of the day she was going to leave me, I somehow found peace and happiness in sitting next to her bed the days before she died.

[San Miguel]

Yes it is, my heart is still there, (head strong little girl refuses to return with my body.)  I moved there alone, not knowing anyone and no real functional Spanish.  (A whole other story.)  As frightening and difficult as it was to learn to live in another country, I feel in a way the real me was born, nurtured and thrived there.   The culture and people provide a much gentler, kinder community for me.  I grew up on a farm in Indiana, and the very real "community" I lived in saved my life and sanity.  After 27 years in a professional career, abusive marriage, and living in several cities, going to San Miguel was like returning to my community, without my abusive family.  I created a safe sanctuary in my home, no one was allowed to mistreat anyone there, it was only tested twice and they were invited to leave.   Over the years I developed a beautiful group of friends and neighbors, and two of the dearest friends of my life.  And there was so much joy and happiness- always an adventure to share, always laughter, even in hard times.   It's the first time in my life I didn't feel like I was just surviving, I felt like I was alive and living my life fully.  I haven't read Stephen Levine's book "Who Dies", but I've heard of it.  I'll read it.  I know what you mean about being "present" with your grandmother when she passed.  One of the most beautiful experiences in my life was being with my father when he died.  He taught me a lot about living and he taught me how to die so beautifully.  No one else in my family was there, he had been in a coma for several days (since he didn't have anything else to give- my mother who was very angry at him for abandoning her in death- checked out.)  Just a little while later, he regained consciousness, and I laid in bed with him whispering, loving and laughing through the night.  He told me how sorry he was that this was so hard on me, and told me that dying was easy, it's the living that's hard.  He died in the early morning.  Quite a gift he gave me.  Sorry about rambling, when a simple yes would do, I seem to be having a flood of emotions today.  Especially when someone asks such a simple question that goes straight into my heart!  ha.  Thanks for asking.

[Harri]

Hi San Miguel.  I'm so glad you found us and decided to post.  There is so much to your story that others here can relate to including me.

I am impressed with the amount of work you have done and the progress you have made already.  It is obvious reading your posts though I am sure that does not give much comfort given how you are feeling right now.  I think you hit it on the head though when you said that the lows are never as low as the ones that came before.  It is true, yet it is so easy to get bogged down in worry, discouragement, resentment, whatever you may be feeling.  Shame is such a big ball of messiness with endless layers some so fine you can barely see them but they are the toughest ones to work through.  Yet here you are, fighting.  Getting dirty, refusing to give in or give up.  Still able to feel and express yourself and aware that you are slipping into a place of alone-ness that is dangerous for you and you are fighting it all.  I call that strength and beauty and grace and courage.

Recently I've been working through my shame.  It is hard.  I have no pointers other than to tell you to keep reaching out here.  The posters here have been incredibly supportive and insightful, seeing through the barriers I throw out to keep people away and challenging me on my perspective.  So much can be gained here.  I also have a therapist who is pretty damn awesome. 

Do you have a T that can help you?  Sometimes it is hard for friends and family to help with health issues, especially those that are serious and life threatening or terminal.  On top of that, family can not always be depended upon nor should they be.  I have lost several friends and acquaintances since I became seriously ill about 10 years ago.  It is hard and can be lonely and that is why this board and perhaps a T is vital.

[San Miguel]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, they actually do help, it's always been the most valuable to me to receive feedback from someone who has experienced it- guess it's why those 12 step programs are so successful.  In receiving feedback from several people, I realize my perspective is out of whack right now.  It feels so yucky, messy, and ugly inside, and it kind of blind sided me this time, I was already pretty vulnerable.  When I can sneak a peak over the edge of this black hole, I can at least entertain some of your feedback- that there are some good, positive things going on too, I have done enough work that I have some foundation stones still in place, and will try to spend more time "feeding"  these feelings.  It's reminded me of the Native American teaching that there is a good, light wolf and a dark, destructive wolf in each of us doing battle and the one who wins is the one we feed the most.   I honestly believe my poor circulation, feet look like pontoons, is causing some lack of oxygen to my brain these days- or at least that's my current best excuse.   It really helps to be reminded of some of the positive parts of me right now, was kind of forgetting.  As for a therapist, none right now, thought about it, but have another good current excuse for not trying to find one.   I've had several that were clueless to BPD -  but even with the best, it takes me a long time to establish trust (several tests that I'm ashamed of, but always put them through- nothing really terrible, just tests).   Once I decide I trust them, then I have to go through the whole history to establish where I am, and what I need right now.  This is all just normal for establishing a therapeutic relationship-  but to be totally honest, I'm not sure I have the patience or right attitude if I run into one that I don't trust for me.  I've been so irritable and angry lately, that I can't stand myself at times, and my judgement seems suspect right now.    I actually ran into the best T I ever had at one of these times- told her that she didn't get it, I was on the brink of losing it!  She asked me what would happen if I did. Told her I could end up running naked down the street!  She said, "Well, then why don't you tattoo my phone number on your butt, they can call me when they pick you up, and I'll tell you that now the worst has happened and you can take it easy!  I started laughing and admired her insight and guts tremendously.  Sometimes all I have to do is remember her advise and I'm over it!  I think what I could really use is spiritual guidance at this time.  I think my answer to the shame that's been triggered is in forgiveness- I seem to have some ugly left over strongholds for myself and others.  And I'm clueless as to how to find this, I don't like organized religion, but I am strongly spiritual- and feel stuck.   I have no idea how to find spiritual guidance outside of church/organized religion- and also I am now pretty much housebound due to heart failure, I can't get out much.   If anybody has any ideas, I would greatly appreciate hearing them.   Thank you all so much for your time, energy and genuine caring- it really has been like finding a clear stream in the desert for me- just to be able to jump in and have you all respond back with such mature insight and genuine understanding.  I remember as a kid, heck for most of my adult life too, believing I was totally alone in these feelings, too ashamed to educate "normal" people, and no one could understand or want to.  The other night it hit me.  There are "others", go find them!  Thank you all for being there for all of us aliens, ha.   It sounds funny to say it, but that's what trying to learn to navigate this world felt like to me- act like everyone else, don't ever let them see your alien parts, etc.  Thank you for reminding me how extraordinary we can be. 

[Fie]

head strong little girl refuses to return with my body

Is it possible the little girl in you does want to go there, but the punitive parent in you refuses to take her there ? Out of (misplaced ?) feelings of guilt towards your grandchild ?


For spiritual guidance the others might be able to provide you with some concrete information. Maybe in the meantime you could check out the work of Elisabeth Kübler Ross :

www.ekrfoundation.org/

Coincidence or not but the page showed some info in spanish when I clicked on it  ;-)  

Another coincidence is the quote on the site: 'Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death' (I know guilt is not shame, but it's a related feeling)

Elisabeth Kübler Ross was a psychiatrist who worked with dying people. She wrote about her work and worked together with the author of the book I mentioned.

She died but left a foundation. Maybe you can take a look and contact them.


Does your grandson live by himself ?

Do your friends from San Miguel know that you are dying ?


xxx

[San Miguel]

"Is it possible the little girl in you does want to go there, but the punitive parent in you refuses to take her there ? Out of (misplaced ?) feelings of guilt towards your grandchild ?"

Oh man, if I could answer this, I would be real close to being able to die in peace.  I haven't been able to resolve this conflict - guilt-shame- etc., for 8 years.  He is 27 y/o now and lives with my ex-husband, since my first heart attack and stroke in 2009.   We have had custody of him since he was 4 y/o.  He is very happy with his Papa, they adore each other.  He functions at about a 5-6 y/o level and has severe limitations in communicating. 

I feel like I abandoned him after my heart problems became severe and I couldn't care for him alone anymore.  And it's triggered a tremendous amount of shame-  is it the BPD parent/child cycle of me being abandoned, then abandoning him, etc?   I know the truth, I could not physically care for him anymore, it wasn't safe for him to be alone with just me, but I feel ashamed for not being able to care for him still.   He definitely prefers for me to be close to him, but really did okay after a while when I was gone for a few months at a time.  Now I think since I am going to leave him in the near future, this is inevitable now,  would it be any harder if I went back to San Miguel now?    And I am torn apart- am I being so selfish that I would willingly hurt him to get my needs met (am I just like my mother?).  Or is the truth that he is well cared for in every way, and it's okay for me to go where I need to be to die peacefully?  Or would I go to San Miguel, and die in guilt and shame for leaving him?   Or is it that old BPD parent hangover about I don't deserve to take care of myself, so I better sabatoge any efforts for peace and happiness.  I know for a painful fact that the punitive parent role was picked up by myself after my mother died, and I have battled this for the last 15 yrs.  Sometimes it's very clear that's what I'm doing, but I just don't know at this new stage of my life.  Arggghhhhh!  That quote you cited- about dying in guilt (and shame) being the most painful companion of death is so poignant - that's the reason I posted on this site - I just don't want to take the shame with me, this is the most important thing I need to do before I die.  One life time of this has been plenty for me- you know, been there, done that, don't want to do it again.    Do my friends in San Miguel know I'm terminal- I haven't told them yet.  They know I have progressive heart failure, but I haven't given them the latest prognosis.  I guess I'm waiting to "know" what I'm going to do.  However, I believe my one friend probably knows.  She's like that, she just "knows" things, like a loving, knowing buddha.    But like a wise buddha, she will let me choose to tell her when I am ready, she's like that too. 

These are the "monsters in the dark" that keep me awake now.  I am still somewhat amazed that I have shared these fears, shame with anyone.  But I will give myself some approval here, I chose well in sharing it with this group.  It's a work in progress, but taking these things out of the dark black hole and looking at them in the light with good people who understand and haven't judged me has made it a lot more tolerable to face them head on.  Don't feel so overwhelmed and alone.  I was a little afraid if I disclosed the "terminal" word, I may scare people off(be abandoned), but wasn't worth the effort if I couldn't be where I was- dying well is as worthwhile as living well, and I thank you brave souls.  I hope you all know the difference in the quality of life you are making for so many.  Whoever thought of this forum and put in all the work (incredibly impressed with your professionalism and the amount of education and literature you all provide), mankind is better off.  Thanks again.   

[Fie]

San Miguel,

Of course you did not abandon your grandson.
I do know the feeling though of projecting what I have lived in my childhood, onto people I love - and more specifically my child and in general all children.
Not a lot has to happen for me to project my feelings of being abandoned by my parents, on my child, when f.e. I refuse her something / when I am angry with her. When f.e. I am angry with her over something and she puts up a sad face, I am so triggered that I immediately become angry with myself instead, and I feel so guilty.
Of course there is nothing wrong with being angry with your child (if acted upon appropriately and if it's for a reason). But because my mum was always angry with me, I empathize too much and I exaggerate to the point that I probably sometimes smother my daughter.
I know I am too sensitive sometimes with everything that involves parents treating their children a bit harsh, even imagined. Even hearing a mother speak with a loud voice towards her child sometimes is enough for me to get pissed at the mum and to feel for the child.
It's only quite recently that I realized that. I am 38 now so I took me quite a long time  :-)

So no, I don't think you abandoned your grandson, quite on the contrary, you were compassionate and wise enough to ask your ex for help. Not having done so would have been the less good thing to do.

You will die soon, but also there I do not see this as abandoning your grandson. We will all die. Maybe you will die a little sooner than me (but who knows), but at one point we all have to go. That has nothing to do with abandoning each other. It's just life, and not our choice. I know that if you could choose, you would wish to outlive your grandson and you would wish to be in perfect health so you could care for him 24/7. We do not live in a fairy-tale though.

You raised your grandson, and did a good job. I would say it's time to let go now. As you said, he's in good hands. Give your ex the opportunity to continue your work.  Maybe now the little girl in you needs some attention, too. Allow yourself to focus on her, she needs you. This might not necessarily mean that you would move, but if you do decide to do so, there maybe are opportunities for your grandson to visit ? I am sure you would like that his last memories of his time with grandma are happy ones, with grandma surrounded by loving friends.  Also you could skype a lot ? I know it's not the same, but I have a friend that I do not see very often. Sometimes we skype and it feels like we really did spent time together.

How often do you see your grandson now ?
xxx