8 months on, she broke NC

[Infern0]

It'll always happen eventually, pretty much the textbook charm attempt message from her too.

It truly always happens, usually when you finally stop expecting it too

I have decided not to reply, not out of pettiness but simply because it's not healthy for us to be in contact. She is "in a relationship" yet she is using our old affectionate names and heart emoji's in the message. The "relationship" is a few months old at this point so will be starting to hit rough tides... .

Nothing changes, it's the same script being ran over and over again... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Infern0,

You sound like you have learned a lot since the breakup.    How do you feel about this?

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0,

You sound like you have learned a lot since the breakup.    How do you feel about this?

heartandwhole

Feel fine, she text me from a new number as she's been blocked since 8 months. When i saw the message i didn't have an emotional response at all, which was a little surprising to me.

I DID draw some "validation" from the fact that she "broke" but i realize that's unhealthy and also a misnomer, as... .that's just the way the disorder works.

I do have a little sadness for her, as this is the pattern for her (new rs, goes well 2-3 months then starts going bad and she starts looking at charms and starting emotional affairs which then turn physical) and it's just clockwork. Sad for her that she can't change the pattern.

But yeah, overall doing well, i've made heaps of progress in my life in the last 6 months and i'm proud of myself for that, but there is still work to do, so just focusing on that.

Hope you are doing well.

[UnforgivenII]

Is she the one whose boyfriend took his life? Your replacement? Or I am confusing you with another member?

Anyway, love yourself. Keep NC

[heartandwhole]

I do have a little sadness for her, as this is the pattern for her (new rs, goes well 2-3 months then starts going bad and she starts looking at charms and starting emotional affairs which then turn physical) and it's just clockwork. Sad for her that she can't change the pattern.

To me, it does feel like a difficult way to live. So I understand the sadness, and feel that way, too, sometimes. I think understanding that this is how some people with BPD cope, however chaotic it can appear to us, helps us to depersonalize the behavior. Which helps avoid an even worse self-esteem blow.

Well done for the progress you are making Infern0. That is something to be proud of.  Has it been more professional or personal, or both?

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

To me, it does feel like a difficult way to live. So I understand the sadness, and feel that way, too, sometimes. I think understanding that this is how some people with BPD cope, however chaotic it can appear to us, helps us to depersonalize the behavior. Which helps avoid an even worse self-esteem blow.

Well done for the progress you are making Infern0. That is something to be proud of.  Has it been more professional or personal, or both?

heartandwhole

Mostly personal, career wise i need a change however i feel that i can improve myself more to give a better chance to get better career options.

On the personal side ive been training for 8 months, the last 6 with a new friend of mine who is a bodybuilder so ive made great gains physically.

On the mental side, getting rid of addictions, living healthy etc etc.

Its hard to explain but i feel better than i ever have, its taken a lot of hard work and effort but its all worth it.

[Mutt]

On the personal side ive been training for 8 months, the last 6 with a new friend of mine who is a bodybuilder so ive made great gains physically.

Its hard to explain but i feel better than i ever have, its taken a lot of hard work and effort but its all worth it.

Bravo 

[kc sunshine]

You are my hero infern0!

[TsunamiWave]

 


She's hitting you up because she's in the devaluation phase, she sees that her relationship is going downhill and she wants an escape boat.

Learn from your lessons and completely ignore her. If you dont ignore her, she'll probably get you back in... .These creatures may be sick but they sure know how to create a connection.

[Infern0]

She's hitting you up because she's in the devaluation phase, she sees that her relationship is going downhill and she wants an escape boat.

Learn from your lessons and completely ignore her. If you dont ignore her, she'll probably get you back in... .These creatures may be sick but they sure know how to create a connection.

For sure that's what it is

Also, and without wanting to be egotistical i saw her best friend at the store last week who i sadly couldnt avoid and she made repeated mention of my updated physique and appearence so that would have worked it's way back to her and probably set off the trigger.

But yeah no intention to go back and repeat the past. I'd be back to my old self before too long, don't want that.

[Grey Kitty]

I have decided not to reply, not out of pettiness but simply because it's not healthy for us to be in contact.

I'd suggest you re-write that last bit with better boundaries. When you use a word like "us" in that kind of situation, it looks like one clear sentence, when in fact it is two different ones on top of each other:

"It is not healthy for me to be in contact with her."

I think you believe this--even though you still are struggling with it a bit, still confused and hurt by the breakup. And it is a healthy thing for you to say.

"It is not healthy for her to be in contact with me."

This isn't for you to say, so don't say it. You aren't in a relationship with her, so it isn't your business what she does in them, whether it is messed up or not.

It is no longer your concern whether she makes healthy choices or not.

[Infern0]

I'd suggest you re-write that last bit with better boundaries. When you use a word like "us" in that kind of situation, it looks like one clear sentence, when in fact it is two different ones on top of each other:

"It is not healthy for me to be in contact with her."

I think you believe this--even though you still are struggling with it a bit, still confused and hurt by the breakup. And it is a healthy thing for you to say.

"It is not healthy for her to be in contact with me."

This isn't for you to say, so don't say it. You aren't in a relationship with her, so it isn't your business what she does in them, whether it is messed up or not.

It is no longer your concern whether she makes healthy choices or not.

It might not be my concern but it remains a fact.

I have a negative impact on her as well.