The Illusion of their Next Relationship

[OutofTheWoods]

Hi all,

Last summer I decided to text my ex BPD to give myself closure. I thought really long about it before I did so... .I did not expect anything back and was prepared for unkindness. I simply told him that I was happy for him, had no hard feelings, and just wanted the best. It had been a few years since we had direct contact. A week after he discarded me he took up with a girl he had been grooming and quickly married thereafter. He replied: "I thought you were going to tell me something important. Please do not contact me again."

 I feel really good about what I did and have been able to attract wonderful, healthy people into my life.  Here are my current thoughts that I think will help you if you were left for someone else (cruelly)  and they are still together.  For my ex it has been five years that they've been married.

Just because they are still together doesn't prove anything. Just because they are married or living together or have been dating a long time doesn't prove that they are healthy.  The new person is probably much weaker than you were, which may be contributing to what you are seeing.  A healthy person would have been able to  wish me well in return after all that time,  and would not respond in a senseless and cruel manner. His reply did not hurt me, rather it revealed the sobering reality: he really hasn't changed no matter what appears to be on the outside.

 You really do deserve better than someone who is willing to treat anyone like that, even if you still care for them.  I know my ex was not in a healthy place when he left. He did not know how to love himself on his own. He was looking for someone to fill a void, a role, and that is all the current relationship is doing.

He really doesn't believe he did anything wrong to me. He hasn't learned anything more of himself. He will replay the same dynamic anywhere he goes, even if it takes longer. He was never in a place where he could appreciate what I was giving,  his love is so fear-based and lack based. And the new relationship is also based on fear and lack. It may go on for a long time, it may never end, but it doesn't matter.

Healthy, loving people do not delight in seeing you squirm and suffer. Your love was not meaningless - they are never in a place where they can appreciate what you give. You deserve to give it to yourself by allowing healthy people into your life.

I had a hard time understanding for awhile how they could still be together and look so healthy on the outside  -  going on vacation, attending friend's weddings, posting adoring things about each other online - none of it is real. If they were as into one another and meant-to-be as they claim and portray, neither of them would feel the need to lash out at me, which they both have done even years later. He would not pit us against each other in covert ways. It is an illusion of health and love that they both need to act out in order to pacify their  low self-esteem and to hide the dysfunction of their relationship.

Let them go.  Let whoever they replace you with go. Trust your instincts-  even if they did come back begging for you, you deserve someone who can show you that they have the ability to love themselves first. If they do not do this then there is nothing there of value at all. Don't believe it - there is no love there - only insecurity, fear, manipulation, and the desire for control disguised to the outside world - except to those of us that have been there.

[FSTL]

You seem to be a great place, so well done for getting there.

You are absolutely right about where he is at... .his reply was straight out of the devaluation text book and you did well not to take it personally.

Good luck with your journey.

[TsunamiWave]

Great to see you doing well, i wanna be on the same path. My ex is fresh in her new relationship and is putting photos w her bf every single day. Lol

[Hopefulgirl]

OutofTheWoods, Thank you for sharing this.  Ive been through something very similar although the woman he replaced me with has only been with him for a year and a half (the second go-around).  Thats the nasty thing about social media. Seeing pics of them together on trips, pics taken together with their arms around each other puts a lump in my chest. It makes you think that you were discarded because the new person "gets" him, and that suddenly he is capable of love and devotion because she is a "better" person. But she is the one posting things, not him. The theory I have is that they both make out like everything is great because she doesn't want anyone to know that the person she is lovingly devoted to is a disordered person and he wants everyone to think he is the faithful husband material that his family thinks he isn't.

Thank you for posting your story. Needed that dose of reality today.