How can BPDs move on so quickly?

[once removed]

Its so so so weird, why are so afraid of being abandoned yet they are the ones who move on the quickest? Oh right, i forgot the advice... .never apply logic!

while "BPD behaviors" may seem illogical at first, most are human nature (not unique to BPD) taken to extremes, and understandable in the context of the disorder. this is why its a good idea as  Mutt suggested, to learn about the disorder. it can really help us to depersonalize what is very hurtful behavior.

in this case, the fear of abandonment runs very deep. if you had an intense fear of flying, you would go to greath lengths to avoid flying. likewise, if you have an intense fear of abandonment, you might enter into relationships with maladaptive coping mechanisms to avoid abandonment, and if all else fails, you might jump ship so to speak, before you can be abandoned.

i know this hurts. it hurt me a great deal, and i can tell you it gets better.

[ArtistGuy70]

They can't be alone. Unable to self soothe. They will always be like this. Focus on yourself right now, my friend. You deserve kindness for going through this.

[TsunamiWave]

while "BPD behaviors" may seem illogical at first, most are human nature (not unique to BPD) taken to extremes, and understandable in the context of the disorder. this is why its a good idea as   Mutt suggested, to learn about the disorder. it can really help us to depersonalize what is very hurtful behavior.

in this case, the fear of abandonment runs very deep. if you had an intense fear of flying, you would go to greath lengths to avoid flying. likewise, if you have an intense fear of abandonment, you might enter into relationships with maladaptive coping mechanisms to avoid abandonment, and if all else fails, you might jump ship so to speak, before you can be abandoned.

i know this hurts. it hurt me a great deal, and i can tell you it gets better.

Do they feel afraid of being abandoned or the consequences of being abandoned? Because for ex, if i abandon someone based on fear of being abandoned ill still be abandoned because i left this person, the consequences of loneliness and losing the person are the same, its just a matter of who pulls this trigger. But in ny case, since she already had someone in the bench, an escape boat, it might make sense. Which means that, once she fears being abandoned by the new boyfriend, she will repeat the process, right?

They can't be alone. Unable to self soothe. They will always be like this. Focus on yourself right now, my friend. You deserve kindness for going through this.

Thanks for the kind words. Im my 1 week and something w no contact and 4 days without social media stalking. Hopefully i see the light soon, i have periods where im good and periods where i feel tentations, yesterday was easy to go through but dreaming with her is often complicated because it triggers a lot of emotions.

[happendtome]

Tsunamiwave, i know that first days/weeks/months are the hardest. After that, little by little things start to go better. Try to ask from yourself how it would be right now (right this minute) if you would be together. Would you actually like that or you think you would. You are in the fog and you are putting too much energy on her. But, i did the same, so... .It just takes time.

[Rayban]

My question is how do they become magnets for lonely children? Are they hypersensitive to finding that lonely child in people?

In my case, my ex hated losing attachments. From her best friend's boyfriend, to her friends, exes, there was always a third party involved.  Always someone who offered in her mind the better prospect of the perfect love she seeked.

I know I served a need for her.  She could not be alone.  I just don't know why she called on me so often? Was I more available? Was I just the first available body ready to serve a need, or did I actually mean more?

[once removed]

Which means that, once she fears being abandoned by the new boyfriend, she will repeat the process, right?

she has a set of maladaptive coping mechanisms, and it takes self awareness + work for anyone to overcome such things.

a lot of us put a great deal of stock in the idea that our exes will repeat their actions and that their next relationship will crash and burn. this idea soothes our hurt at the time.

the truth is, the next relationship will be "different". what "different" entails is anyones guess. in my case, my ex was still hyper jealous in her next relationship. her new partner responded differently. it didnt sound at all like my relationship with her. it lasted longer, too.

investing in the idea that our exes will crash and burn in the next relationship is a shaky foundation to build our recovery on. think about it: if they succeed, do we tell ourselves that it was all our fault? their outcome has no bearing on whether or not we will go on to have healthier relationships. we dont do this in most cases. my exes from high school are mostly all married with kids. i do not see that as any reflection on me.

we mostly invest in the idea of the crashing and burning scenario as a means to heal our immediate, deep sense of rejection and absolve ourselves of any responsibility. there are other ways to heal and detach from this wound. put your energy toward grieving, and then toward bettering yourself, and the future of your ex will ultimately make no difference to you.

lastly, while its very helpful to learn about BPD in general, and its beneficial to share in the experiences of others, we often go down the rabbit hole of believing that people with BPD are all the same (even if we acknowledge otherwise). it really helps to focus on how all of this applies to your relationship specifically.

[TsunamiWave]

she has a set of maladaptive coping mechanisms, and it takes self awareness + work for anyone to overcome such things.

a lot of us put a great deal of stock in the idea that our exes will repeat their actions and that their next relationship will crash and burn. this idea soothes our hurt at the time.

the truth is, the next relationship will be "different". what "different" entails is anyones guess. in my case, my ex was still hyper jealous in her next relationship. her new partner responded differently. it didnt sound at all like my relationship with her. it lasted longer, too.

investing in the idea that our exes will crash and burn in the next relationship is a shaky foundation to build our recovery on. think about it: if they succeed, do we tell ourselves that it was all our fault? their outcome has no bearing on whether or not we will go on to have healthier relationships. we dont do this in most cases. my exes from high school are mostly all married with kids. i do not see that as any reflection on me.

we mostly invest in the idea of the crashing and burning scenario as a means to heal our immediate, deep sense of rejection and absolve ourselves of any responsibility. there are other ways to heal and detach from this wound. put your energy toward grieving, and then toward bettering yourself, and the future of your ex will ultimately make no difference to you.

lastly, while its very helpful to learn about BPD in general, and its beneficial to share in the experiences of others, we often go down the rabbit hole of believing that people with BPD are all the same (even if we acknowledge otherwise). it really helps to focus on how all of this applies to your relationship specifically.

 

I completely understand what you are saying and i agree, but right now i have no other option to ease my pain other than imagining her suffering in her next relationship, i believe that this feeling can be useful to get me to the next stage, to the stage where ill certainly be better and probably feel indifferent about her. The thought of her being happy and me replaced just absolutely kills me and moving on thinking about is impossible for me without going insane

[once removed]

i can understand that, TsunamiWave. things are very raw right now. anger is a normal and healthy part of the stages of grief. i had revenge fantasies myself; we dont necessarily feel and think these things by choice, though we have a choice as to what we do about/with them.

what do you usually do as a healthy way to vent your anger?

[TsunamiWave]

i can understand that, TsunamiWave. things are very raw right now. anger is a normal and healthy part of the stages of grief. i had revenge fantasies myself; we dont necessarily feel and think these things by choice, though we have a choice as to what we do about/with them.

what do you usually do as a healthy way to vent your anger?

I isolate myself and sometimes i explode because im a very explosive person, but i go to the gym and its such a relief to leave all these feelings in there while working on myself, of course temporarily... .because they always come back.

The biggest thing that's getting me through this is the fact that i know she will suffer, but still its not enough because i feel humillated.

[once removed]

The biggest thing that's getting me through this is the fact that i know she will suffer, but still its not enough because i feel humillated.

this is important for you to identify, as its not only completely understandable, but its something you can work with, and through. when we feel this way, it is also entirely understandable to desire revenge. anything that will reverse the sense of humiliation and/or rejection.

i was hoping youd have a look at this link here (and maybe consider investing in the book): https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

INTERNALIZING--You Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self-esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’--If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self-Image.

theres a danger here of internalizing this sense of humiliation and rejection. ideally, this is a wound you want to work through, and nurture yourself.

are you seeing a therapist to help you work through it?

[TsunamiWave]

this is important for you to identify, as its not only completely understandable, but its something you can work with, and through. when we feel this way, it is also entirely understandable to desire revenge. anything that will reverse the sense of humiliation and/or rejection.

i was hoping youd have a look at this link here (and maybe consider investing in the book): https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing

theres a danger here of internalizing this sense of humiliation and rejection. ideally, this is a wound you want to work through, and nurture yourself.

are you seeing a therapist to help you work through it?

Thanks!

I will definitely have a look at it.

No, it was 3 month relationship so i don't think that i need a therapist, plus it would be very money consuming. One thing for sure though, even though this was only 3 months this has been the most destructive relationship i've ever been into

[once removed]

this has been the most destructive relationship i've ever been into

just a word of advice on therapy: this stuff can fester and can carry into future relationships. its worth resolving what drew you into the relationship, what kept you in it, the unique struggles youre facing now, and learning some new skills and tools to take into future relationships, therapy or not.

[AlternateReality]

Well the fear of abandonment can sometimes causes them to start connecting with others on a romantic level even before you know its going south.  It happened to me most of the times i got split black and she moved out.  There were even times were she was still living in my home and going out on dates regardless how it crushed me.

[TsunamiWave]

Well the fear of abandonment can sometimes causes them to start connecting with others on a romantic level even before you know its going south.  It happened to me most of the times i got split black and she moved out.  There were even times were she was still living in my home and going out on dates regardless how it crushed me.

This is so insane. These people truly are insane and incapable of loving.

When i was at her birthday party, she gave me all attention and almost zero attention to her current boyfriend, when we broke up days after, in less than a week they started dating. These people are definitely insane.

[AlternateReality]

This is so insane. These people truly are insane and incapable of loving.

I used to think that same thing, but i have changed my tune.   I don't think they are incapable or that they are monsters... I think the biggest issue is the splitting that makes them seem like emotional monsters.  The Split to black makes you a horrible persons in their mind, and who has much empathy for horrible people?

Just think of when a three year old doesn't get their way or their feeling acknowledged, how they react... .Its normal to see a three year old shout "I HATE YOU" for making them go to bed, and they mean it... Because inside that is how they are feeling unable to see the grey area, that they hate you for making them go to bed, without being able to see all the good things you have to offer as well...   With BPD the development for that GREY area processing did not develop past a toddlers age.  But toddlers are still capable of love but if you do anything to upset them... . 

But to adults it just seems like selfish monster-ish behavior.

[TsunamiWave]

I used to think that same thing, but i have changed my tune.   I don't think they are incapable or that they are monsters... I think the biggest issue is the splitting that makes them seem like emotional monsters.  The Split to black makes you a horrible persons in their mind, and who has much empathy for horrible people?

Just think of when a three year old doesn't get their way or their feeling acknowledged, how they react... .Its normal to see a three year old shout "I HATE YOU" for making them go to bed, and they mean it... Because inside that is how they are feeling unable to see the grey area, that they hate you for making them go to bed, without being able to see all the good things you have to offer as well...   With BPD the development for that GREY area processing did not develop past a toddlers age.  But toddlers are still capable of love but if you do anything to upset them... . 

But to adults it just seems like selfish monster-ish behavior.

That is a very good analysis, once i told my ex girlfriend the truth she never wanted to hear she would behave exactly like a child whose parents told him/her to go to bed.
In your experience, do they ever look back in the past and "unpaint" black someone? Do they ever feel guilt? Is there any possible clear reflection in their heads where they reach the conclusion that they were indeed wrong?

Its just crazy, because the same way you can't deal with a child without him painting you black, you can't also go through a relationship with a PwBPD without them painting you black, and consequently leaving or cheating. Its a no win situation, a road without no exits.

A relationship with a PwBPD is something with only one destinity, which is failure where the only question is how long untill it gets there.

[AlternateReality]

Yes i believe they do feel some level of guilt as i think most everyone who has ever been in a relationship will agree that pwBPD has at some point made a comment that something is not right about them...  My exBPD would always say "I am not a bad person" as if trying to justify her actions were not from a place of to purposely cause pain.  BUT i do not think it is on par with how a non-BPD would feel guilt.

If has been 5 years since i went NC from my exBPD and she still sends messages and they always seem to have a back handed apology.   Things like "I am not a bad person. We just made some mistakes together, it happens" or "I know i made a lot of mistakes. I was so mess up in my head and still was'nt over xyz".  It is her trying to own her mistakes but cant quite actually get there... .It wasn't actually her fault for making mistakes.  

Having a clear reflection i think can only be achieved through rigid therapy. They have to accept and learn that their emotional intelligence is that of a toddler, and that it is skewed to a point it cannot be trusted.  But imagine you being told how you feel about things is wrong... its a tough pill to swallow!

Here is my opinion on how the how splitting thing works... Keep in mind, BPD's seem to never forget something you have done/say to hurt them and will constantly bring it up, even if it happened years before.   You start off white, anything you do, say , and sometimes just life stress and normal relationship things can cause you to be split black... Early in the relationship when this happens they often split you white again, lets just call it "emotional positive and negative weighing" as in that you have one black mark against you, but they eventually realize the positives and come back. Over the course of the relationship you will be split black for whatever reasons the BPD's emotions dictate... .So you began to accumulate more black marks, until your permanently split black (Perma Black) because now the black outweighs the white... Once your split perma black its over as far as normal BPD relationships go...  She no longer wants a relationship with you but will charm you back into a symbiotic relationship for own personal needs to feel wanted, attractive, or avoidance of abandonment.  But it becomes a purely ends to fill whatever need she needs at that time, and now your completely throw away... They typically wont do this if they can sink their hooks into someone else that can fill those needs, but returning to an ex is a safe choice so it happens when things break down for her.

It is possible to have a successful marriage / relationship with one as long as they know they have BPD and seek rigid therapy, but like i said it is a hard pill to swallow.