One month NC

[Jellycat3]

I've had no contact with pwBPD for 1 month now. I don't think I've ever experienced a person of the opposite sex like this before.
The last time we communicated (read - him trying to get his own way/throwing a tantrum), he said he wouldn't contact me again. I took that as an intention, but I thought rather than letting him block me first (like he always did), I would take control and block him. It hasn't worked. I haven't replied to any of his phone calls (from a withheld number, usually between 2am-4am) or his pathetic messages through fb.
 There are too many things going on in my life, pressures/commitments etc, I don't have the mind to cope with his on/off games. I wish he could have a normal conversation with me but his behaviour is disturbing.
He is obsessed with video calls and wants me to watch him. At first I just thought it was a bit of fun, until he would hang up once he was 'done'. He has an unhealthy need to watch pornography (most nights). He completely forgets conversations. If we disagree on something (sometimes I don't understand it myself) he will block me for a few weeks  then bounce back into communicating as though there was no break.
It's only when I read other peoples experience that I realise I'm not the only person going through this kind of experience. I should be thankful that he lives in another city.
I know I'm not a perfect person, I feel so much stronger on my own.

[Mutt]

Hi Jellycat3,  



I'm glad you that you decided to join us, BPD is an invisible disorder and it's not triggered until the person gets to close to us. I'm sorry that you found yourself in a situation like this, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I completely understand how difficult it is at the onset of NC, some people describe it like withdrawal from drugs and alcohol and then you have your ex escalating their behaviors, it's tough but you can commit to detaching, help from the group goes a really long way. How many times a day does he try to get in touch with you?

[Jellycat3]

Thank you for your kind words.
It's usually every few days that he will try to make contact with me.

The trouble I'm having with NC:
I want to tell him that I am aware that he objectifies other women. I don't want to go into details, but I've noticed it through social media.
He was always the first to leave me/break contact. Why is he acting like I'm the one who walked away first?
When I think of all the things he said, I see everything as a lie. He was good at that. Even pretending that one of his parents was at deaths door.  I've had trust issues prior to this, so I will find it even more difficult to trust anyone in the future.
I don't want him back. I look at his photo and think to myself "why couldn't I tell before (what kind of person he is)?. He seems to have a 'glazed-over' look.

I'm wondering how long it'll take before he stops trying to reach out, stop telling me that he misses me. He doesn't miss me as a person. He just misses the attention I gave him. Anyone else would've given up by now.
He is really good at presenting this false image of himself. I think of him only as Jekyll and Hyde, I have no romantic feelings for him.

I know it would be fruitless to even try and tell him these things.

[Mutt]

Hi Jellycat3,

He was always the first to leave me/break contact. Why is he acting like I'm the one who walked away first?.

You're probably asking yourself a lot of questions, it helps share it with others, that way we can help you process your experiences. There could be a number of reasons why he says that, he may want sympathy, if he's BPD, he's cast himself as victim and you as persecutor, it's not a role that you have to take, self protection like you're doing now is a good idea because as you obviously already know, he's not being respectful, you need those qualities if you want to make a r/s successful.

I believe in validating your feelings, you could write a letter and not send it, i've suggested in the past to write what you would like to say in a thread because you have people that will listen.

I've had trust issues prior to this, so I will find it even more difficult to trust anyone in the future.

Not everyone will treat you the way that he treated you.

I don't want him back. I look at his photo and think to myself "why couldn't I tell before (what kind of person he is)?. He seems to have a 'glazed-over'

Because mental illness is invisible, if someone is sick, has a broken leg, you can see that. BPD is triggered by intimacy, the push / pull that feels like crazy making behavior doesn't come later until your close.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jellycat3,

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. Even though you made the decision to cut off contact, it hurts to lose a relationship with someone you care about. I've been there, and it was very hard, but ultimately NC helped me recover and grow.

There is no way to know if and when he will stop contacting you. He may be looking for a way to soothe his intense emotions, as they can be very difficult to handle.

Wanting to tell him your thoughts about his attitudes toward women probably won't result in a meeting of the minds. I suggest you express your thoughts and feelings to us, here. We are listening and we understand what it feels like to go through this. Or, as Mutt said, write him a letter but don't send it. I've done that and it really helped.

Keep posting Jellycat3. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[AlternateReality]

I'm wondering how long it'll take before he stops trying to reach out, stop telling me that he misses me. He doesn't miss me as a person. He just misses the attention I gave him.

My exBPD is still sending messages after 5 years of NC we dated for 3.  Its sporadic and i have to believe it is happening when her relationships hit a rocky patch.   

She is now Married and has been for a couple of years and i still get the occasional message... .What sucks is that i am over it and have been for years, but it still puts her into my mind, and makes my thoughts race.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Jellycat,

Your situation sounds similar to mine, albeit my exBPD was married and I had known her on and off for 14 years.

I've had no contact with pwBPD for 1 month now. I don't think I've ever experienced a person of the opposite sex like this before.

This is exactly how I feel. Intoxicating and infuriating in equal measure and then finally, just plainly totally detached and without empathy.

The last time we communicated (read - him trying to get his own way/throwing a tantrum), he said he wouldn't contact me again.

My exBPD would simply withdraw the moment I mentioned I wasn't happy with something. Usually by saying she was going to bed. I used to dread seeing the word 'goodnight' texted.

I took that as an intention, but I thought rather than letting him block me first (like he always did), I would take control and block him.

I did exactly this as she was becoming increasingly aloof and said her husband had found out about us, which was an excuse to cease texting me. I jumped before I was pushed.

He has an unhealthy need to watch pornography (most nights).

While this on its own isn't necessarily indicative of BPD, I think when matched with everything else you experienced, it does seem dysfunctional. My ex BPD was the opposite, used to tell me she wasn't particularly interested in sex, though when we met it was wonderful and she seemed to be passionate. Having analysed this aspect of the relationship closely following the break up, I can now see it was always instigated by me.

It's only when I read other peoples experience that I realise I'm not the only person going through this kind of experience. I should be thankful that he lives in another city.

You are not alone. Mine also lives in another city which does make NC easier. I don't expect to hear from my exBPD again, as I emailed her a detailed break down of how BPD manifests itself. She didn't reply and the rage she will feel I expect to last. We shall see.