The patience/impatience dichotomy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My stbBPDw was the most impatient person in the world when in crisis mode (artificially constructed dramas). For example, if I was at work and she thought I'd be free, she'd call 20 times then be upset when I finally got to my phone as though I had ignored her on purpose. 20 times in 10 minutes, and text, too. When she wanted and needed something, it has to be NOW, or she'd rage.

But during our divorce, she has all the patience in the world. She's used repeated stall tactics and has largely ignored the advice her lawyer, insisting on property appraisals that have only weakened her position, and camping out in my house for the last 9-1/2 months (I had to leave after she made threats of false accusations), a home she never let me leave her alone overnight once during the 3-1/2 years of our marriage. I also learned that she bought a new home 2-1/2 months ago, yet is happy to remain in my home just because doing so keeps me out of it.

Has anyone else experienced this?

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

My stbBPDw was the most impatient person in the world when in crisis mode (artificially constructed dramas). For example, if I was at work and she thought I'd be free, she'd call 20 times then be upset when I finally got to my phone as though I had ignored her on purpose. 20 times in 10 minutes, and text, too. When she wanted and needed something, it has to be NOW, or she'd rage.

But during our divorce, she has all the patience in the world. She's used repeated stall tactics and has largely ignored the advice her lawyer, insisting on property appraisals that have only weakened her position, and camping out in my house for the last 9-1/2 months (I had to leave after she made threats of false accusations), a home she never let me leave her alone overnight once during the 3-1/2 years of our marriage. I also learned that she bought a new home 2-1/2 months ago, yet is happy to remain in my home just because doing so keeps me out of it.

Has anyone else experienced this?

The Teacher

[SamwizeGamgee]

That's crazy!  But, considering the crazy people out there, I can see it happening a lot.  Part of it is that as long as the drama continues - even legal harassment - she has a connection to you.  Squatting the in the house give her a little more control over your life.

I discovered the phrase "she's not happy unless I'm not happy" when looking at how my wife operates.  If I want it, she withholds / obstructs / faults it.  Once I give up and/or don't care, then it's important.  It's how they work sometimes.

You're far along in divorce, so there should be some freedom coming soon.  Sorry you have to endure this!

However, on the bright side, this is a behavior they just have to have. You can use it to your advantage I would imagine.  Make a stink about one thing that is irrelevant to get an advantage in something that is important to you.  Some PD's can't turn down a good chance to make conflict.

[takingandsending]

Hello, Teacher.

Yes. I long ago learned that time is not linear for pwBPD. My xw is much the same - her doing laundry takes the "whole day", her time with the kids on school days is "6 hours" when in fact she spent bits of 2 hours loading and unloading washer/dryer and spent 2 hours with the kids after school before I got home and was "on" for them. Crisis means you haven't answered my question immediately. Feelings = facts, which overrides the space time continuum every time.

[The Teacher]

Feelings = facts, which overrides the space time continuum every time.

Brilliant, funny, yet sad. Thank you for your response and support. I am so thankful for this site. It seems all I do is vent here, but I don't drown my work colleagues or friends with the drama my stbxBPD creates on an almost daily basis and it builds up, so thank you all who have listened.

Just today, yet another break from reality. I emailed her yesterday "Move out date?" and she responded "See the letter sent to your lawyer."

So I text my lawyer "My wife referred to a letter I should have seen?"

My lawyer responds "Oh, you didn't get that? I will have my assistant re-send it to you tomorrow. If I recall correctly, it said something about another request for further discovery, and also moving out some time in June"

Mind you, my wife bought a condo in mid-March, but has used my home as a storage unit, and I am trying to get bacl in.

So I email my wife "My lawyer is having email server problems. It would be helpful if you could forward the letter to me"

She replies "Sending this email to my lawyer as I am not to have direct contact with you!"

Today, what do I find in my email trash bin? Yep. Another email from my wife sent this morning! Yes, the one who emailed me 12 hours earlier about informing her lawyer that I had emailed her and because she is not to have any direct contact with ME.

Her email read: "BTW I learned today that it is going to cost both of us another $5,000 in legal fees if we do not settle before trial"

Shakin My Head.

[The Teacher]

That's crazy!  Squatting the in the house give her a little more control over your life. ... .You're far along in divorce, so there should be some freedom coming soon.  Sorry you have to endure this!

However, on the bright side, this is a behavior they just have to have. You can use it to your advantage I would imagine.  Make a stink about one thing that is irrelevant to get an advantage in something that is important to you.  Some PD's can't turn down a good chance to make conflict.

Thanks! Yes squatting is an appropriate description. She always wants something, holds out a promise, gives nothing in return, then asks for something else.

I have rolled up my sleeves for a trial.

[ForeverDad]

Don't be surprised if she blinks and becomes suddenly less unreasonable about settling just before trial.  However, I bet both lawyers will want to be paid for preparing for the trial.  She - or her lawyer - might have to be informed that a settlement "on the court house steps" will be less favorable for her than one reached weeks earlier.

My ex had a very favorable temp order regarding temp custody and temp parenting.  Two years later, after working my way through the entire list of the court's requirements, she agreed to settle as I walked into court minutes before the trial.  Turned out her lawyer had told her a trial was not favorable for her.  It was only then, after two excruciating years, that I had Leverage over her.  My leverage was that she didn't want to face a trial on the core issues.

[The Teacher]

Thank you, Foreverdad, for your comments and your support through all of this. I'm really sorry that your ex spent two years of your life battling this. Because there are no children involved, I may be getting off with only a year. but it has been a tough year, being locked out of my house, only seven months after the death of one of my children. I believe that my wife will come around before trial and that yes, I will have to pay for the preparation. I am doing my best to minimize the cost.