Hey fembats :Welcoming to the Community!I'm so sorry you are having problems communicating and getting along with your sister.
My identical twin sister has Borderline Personality Disorder. My sister and I had the same PTSD trauma therapist for nine years and it made communicating with her easier because there was someone who could help mediate... .I've asked her to join in on my therapy session with her old therapist (who she really liked, 9 years!) but she won't.
So, you still have individual therapy sessions with the "old" therapist, is that right?
Just wondering if other family members have mental health issues? :)id your sister have some specific trauma or abuse?
Now I'm living at home with her and there are parts of her DBT treatment that I am personally struggling to comprehend. I want to support her and help her as much as possible, but sometimes the things she insists I need to do to help her just don't make sense or seem unfair to me in regards to our relationship.
The link below will take you to a DBT self-help website. Visit it, click around and explore. It might help you understand what your sister is learning, so it will seem less foreign to you.
www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html We were on the couch hanging out with her dog when he playfully jumped up and scratched my face. When I took care of him when he was gone this wouldn't have been a problem because I kept his nails short, but my sister hasn't been taking care of him and he left a bloody cut on my face. I was admittedly upset by this and told her that she needed to start taking care of her dog and use the nail trimmer. She said she needed to disengage and that I wasn't allowed to talk to her for 15 minutes and she walked away from me and the dog.
I feel like that dismissal in this situation crosses a line. There comes a point where my emotions and my hurt need to be recognized the same way I recognize hers when I acknowledge her need to step away and disengage.
I can understand your frustration and a need to have your own feelings validated. Unfortunately, you aren't generally going to get that from someone with BPD.
Depending on tone of your voice and the way the message about the dog's nails was delivered, she might have felt invalidated. Best to use "I" Statements or "We" Statements, instead of "You" Statements.
i.e.: "The dog scratched my face and I'm angry because it wouldn't have happened, if his nails were trimmed. Please trim them. If you need help with the trim ask . . . (you for help, someone else in the house, etc.)
The video at the link below on how to use "I" statements, and the quote below, should be helpful:
"I" STATEMENTS
How To Use I-Statements:
Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________
State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________
Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________
Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .
Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:
I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.
Below are some links to info. on validation/don't invalidate: DON'T INVALIDATION MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATIONValidation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person. So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate.
I think your sister was using a strategy to:
TAKE A TIME OUT. It would have been better, if she indicated she would get back with you to discuss further. Perhaps, if you delivered an "I" Statement, the situation could have been been handled, without her taking a time out.
