BPD sister, dad passed, mom in denial, how to cope with the future?(inheritance)

[JustWantHerToGetBett]

Hello,
my sister has BPD undiognized, with age (she is 38) things have cooled a little, but she drinks, cannot hold a job, somehow has a boyfriend, constantly needs financial support from my mom. Oh and she has hated me since birth. No need to go into too much details as my story is unfortunately similar to many others, verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional and non blackmail, badmouthing with the whole family and friends and anyone who would listen, etc. I left home at 19 (attempted suicide at 18) as we were no longer spaeking to each other, my mom and dad were never home, and although they never aknowledged my sister had a problem my dad was ultimately scared one night they would come home and only find one of us alive. Any phone call for me was answered with "she is dead" click. We did not speak for 10 years then i tried, set a few things straight, set boundaries and now we are in contact. My dad died last year and now it is me, her and my mom. My mom still mostly does not admit she has a mental problem and denies the drinking although she has been admitted to hospital before (2 nights in ICU for alcohol intoxication) and is clearly drunk when you speak to her on the phone.
So i can cope with talking to her sometimes, I only do it when i know i can handle it and that it will not destroy me, my time with my husband or my workday. But what i fear is that my mom is 70 and she doesn't want the drama anymore, she will probably not do anything to settle all inheritance issues we currently have and will have in the future and leave me to deal with my instable raging sister who thinks i have ruined her life and has been looking for payback all her life.
Once my parents are both gone i fear she will have mixed feelings about carrying out her revenge on me and not wanting to severe the last family member she has left. I will be in hell all over again. I am 36 and would like to have a child soon i just want to have the phisical and mental space to do this and i do not want my family to suffer, most of all i want her to be financially indipendent. I love her and care for her, understand her condition and situation but if it ever comes to choosing between paying for my childrens education and supporting her and her drinking habits, I will be in a very bad place.
I am currently paying a mortgage on a house the is 66% mine and 16% my mom's and 16% my sister, she told me she will never let go of her part, she will never accept other property in the inheritance as payment, she wants to stay the owner or be paid out but one day she will again be intitled to half of my mom's 16 % and dramma will begin once more (this is all based on Italian law, so sorry if it confusing). I am not in a financial position to pay her out and it would only be delaying the problem. It was my grandomothers house and I would hate to sell it and it is also the the house I live in. Plus we have big beautiful family house where my mom lives that I would also hate to lose but sharing it with mys sister or just managing it together will send me to a menthal clinic.
So stuck. Can anyone offer advice?
thank you and it is great to have this place to share and support each other.

[OddOneOut]

Hi there,

Wow, as I read through your post I think about how similar it is to my family situation. I'm thinking about the mess our lives become because we're connected with destructive, PD family members. I think about all of the great losses we experience and the things we miss out on that seem to be a right for other people from healthy families (ex: inheritance, unconditional love, family support when times are tough etc.). It's heartbreaking.

I think for me I've had to slowly let go of everything that required me to depend on stable behaviour from them. It's the only way I get control over my life. This has been difficult because it felt very very unfair and in many cases resulted in HUGE loss (like inheritance). It's parents' responsibility to ensure their children receive equal inheritance. If my parents are unwilling to do this for me, then I guess it's not all that important to them that I get it. It's theirs to give after all. It's not fair, but nothing about my family system is. I'm still grieving this loss, but I'm done fighting for something that isn't going to happen. It would be nice to keep the family home in the family, but it shouldn't be your responsibility to make this happen while your family works against you. Sometimes the only way to unhook yourself from your destructive family members and stop them from having control over you is to just liquidate and refuse to be involved in things that depend on them. It's heartbreaking, I know  

These are my thoughts... .they may not be right for you, and I hope you get some other responses to provide other opinions.

Take care

[Peacefromwithin]

Hello,
my sister has BPD undiognized, with age (she is 38) things have cooled a little, but she drinks, cannot hold a job, somehow has a boyfriend, constantly needs financial support from my mom. Oh and she has hated me since birth. No need to go into too much details as my story is unfortunately similar to many others, verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional and non blackmail, badmouthing with the whole family and friends and anyone who would listen, etc.

I am sorry you have a mentally ill sister like that. Is she in AA or therapy? She probably "hates" you because she hates herself. She may see that you have your life together and she doesn't. But that does not mean you should put up with verbal abuse, manipulation, blackmail, etc. It sounds to me like she is looking for pity and to be enabled. She is being very immature. She will not change until she sees first hand how she is thinking and how she is behaving. Hurt people hurt people. Not that that is an excuse.

I left home at 19 (attempted suicide at 18) as we were no longer spaeking to each other, my mom and dad were never home, and although they never aknowledged my sister had a problem my dad was ultimately scared one night they would come home and only find one of us alive. Any phone call for me was answered with "she is dead" click. We did not speak for 10 years then i tried, set a few things straight, set boundaries and now we are in contact. My dad died last year and now it is me, her and my mom. My mom still mostly does not admit she has a mental problem and denies the drinking although she has been admitted to hospital before (2 nights in ICU for alcohol intoxication) and is clearly drunk when you speak to her on the phone.

I am sorry you attempted suicide and hope you are never in such a low place like that again. Don't let her win or drag you down with her. Help yourself. I hope leaving home helped you get away from a bad environment. I hope your sister gets help one day. I do not understand who was saying "she is dead" on the phone with a click. That's good you set boundaries. Keep setting them because they will test them.

You'll never be able to convince your mother that your sister has a mental problem, so give up trying and focus on yourself and how you can react healthy to your unhealthy sister. Give up trying to convince your mother that your sister has a drinking problem. Your sister has to see the problem herself and want to change. I suggest you find an Al-anon meeting. One that doesn't bash the problem drinker but one that helps you work on yourself and stop trying to change or control the problem, if that makes sense. One that helps you get your life back because you cannot fix mental illness. And unfortunately your sister cannot fix her own mental illness unless she asks for help. A sick mind cannot fix a sick mind.

So i can cope with talking to her sometimes, I only do it when i know i can handle it and that it will not destroy me, my time with my husband or my workday.

This is good boundary setting.

But what i fear is that my mom is 70 and she doesn't want the drama anymore, she will probably not do anything to settle all inheritance issues we currently have and will have in the future and leave me to deal with my instable raging sister who thinks i have ruined her life and has been looking for payback all her life.

Speak with your mother NOW about how she wants you to handle HER inheritance. Don't let your mother run away from this responsibility. It is hers. Not yours.

I don't know what to suggest about your sister. I would suggest a therapist or Al-anon to help you understand how to be a sister to your sister but not at the expense of your own mental health. I think it's all in the boundary setting. If your sister starts raging at you, maybe you can say something calmly like this, "I love you, I care about you, and I want you to be happy. But I will not tolerate being screamed at like this."

Once my parents are both gone i fear she will have mixed feelings about carrying out her revenge on me and not wanting to severe the last family member she has left. I will be in hell all over again. I am 36 and would like to have a child soon i just want to have the phisical and mental space to do this and i do not want my family to suffer, most of all i want her to be financially indipendent. I love her and care for her, understand her condition and situation but if it ever comes to choosing between paying for my childrens education and supporting her and her drinking habits, I will be in a very bad place.

You're only in hell if you allow people to put you there. Does that make sense? I'm not saying to be cold or cruel or to cut her off without any feeling. But don't allow her to put you in hell. Change your reaction to how she treats you. It's about boundaries and letting everything she does bounce off of you.

What can you do to help your sister help herself?

Who said anything about supporting her drinking habits? That is ENABLING. You can help someone get on their feet, in a kind and loving way, but they've got to do some of the work too. There's a saying and I can't think of it, something like when you bring a row boat, don't forget the paddles. Help guide her if that's what she needs, but don't let her burn you out or manipulate you. Give her the confidence and love to help her believe in herself and to love herself. She is a hurt person hurting others. Again so not excusing her behavior, but just explaining it a bit deeper.

Hope that helps. I am obviously not a mental health professional, just another family member of people with BPD. So take my suggestions and advice with a grain of salt, and follow what is in your heart.