BPD mom has frozen me out after I told her how I felt about something nasty she did. It's been so great having a break from her and since she's the one not calling me, I don't feel the usual guilt, and I don't have to deal with her harassing me or other people. This time has been a gift.
I'm happy to hear that you are finding some peace in the break from your BPd mother. You don't deserve to put any guilt on yourself. pwBPD do this to themselves.
She didn't say anything about her wishes - she's just not initiating any contact. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not technically not talking to her... .but I don't want this nice break to end. Times are already very stressful in our lives right now!
There's no hard rules. No one says you have to wish her a happy birthday. It's completely up to you. Do what you feel in your gut. If it was my mother, I'd be damned if I do and damned if I don't so just be prepared for a reaction either way. But don't let her reaction affect you. Let it role right off. You don't have to participate in her games.
I'll be the jerk if I don't, and we're afraid of being judged by others we care about, but this break has been precious to my family and we're scared of ruining a good thing. My brother's bday is on the same day ugh!
You wouldn't be a jerk. We children of BPD/NPD parents have to let go of what others think of us when we go against societal norms regarding our parents. If someone else attacks you verbally for not wishing your mother a happy birthday or something like that, you can calmly just state, "the relationship between my mother and me is complicated" and then ask them a question about themselves.
Anyone feeling me on this one? I guess what I'm looking for is some moral support, or reasons not to feel bad about not calling
You have nothing to feel badly about, if that is what you decide to do.
May I suggest if you DO decide to call, however, keep it very very short. Have an "out" planned.
I'd also love to hear from other people who have had a similar experience.
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I don't know your back story, so I'm not sure if it's similar. But my story is that I went VLC with my uBPD/NPD parents. However, I decided to call on birthdays and anniversaries out of guilt. In hindsight, I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do or not. Sometimes I wonder if my life would've been easier had I just gone for a complete NC break, but I couldn't do it.
My experience has been that with some of the phone calls, I am okay with not letting their crap get to me. Other times, though, I stay on the phone too long and am emotionally drained afterward. So the key in calling is to keep all calls brief, change the subject at any signs of their sickness, and have a set thing to say to get out of the call. Be pleasant and calm and don't allow them to push your buttons. Don't put too much energy into the call, either, because nothing you say or do will change what they say or how they act. Keep boundaries. Don't tell them personal info if you don't want to.
Good luck.