Lagertha
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3
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« on: July 09, 2017, 03:37:36 AM » |
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I met my 25 yr-old SO eleven months ago. It was supposed to be a summer fling. I am 20 years older than him and have a 10-year old son. I am pretty sure that I am co-dependent and an enabler. I always tend to draw people who need the most "help".
Somehow it grew into a full-blown relationship before I knew it. My SO had a very, very complicated childhood, with a history of violence and incest (he is in fact the son of half-siblings, the common parent being his grandfather who killed my SO's mother's mother). My SO has 2 brothers, with different fathers and his mother presents, to my mind, certain BPD traits herself. Because school was chaotic (he is very intelligent but I suspect that he suffers from some form of deficit disorder), the only job he found was a 3-yr contract at a crematorium, placing coffins in the ovens. To boot, when I met him, he was living in a rent-control apartment for young workers that happened to be 100 metres from the Bataclan in Paris. He rescued a number of people that awful Nov 13th. I suspect he suffers from PTSD also. He was not "helped" after the event.
When we met, he told me his story - like he always does to anyone (never about how he actually FEELS about it but it's like a "calling card". And I somehow identified with him and his suffering. I invited him to stay at my house as he was having panic attacks sleeping in his own apartment. He showed up and then never left. Initially it was more of a material arrangement but little by little we fell in love.
We lived together for 10 months. The early months were rocky because he was sometimes out of control and I would threaten to throw him out. With time I realised that this made him feel unbearably insecure so I stopped. And I spent an inordinate amount of time getting him some form of financial help as well as psychological support. From November to March, we settled into a peaceful period. With a lot of substance abuse, however, and notably cocaine. I am NOT ADVOCATING the use of this drug but it somehow managed to get my SO to open up emotially with me more than he had ever done with anyone else. He did not use it in a "typical" manner. The substance abuse ended up (logically) wiping out my savings and was taking its physical toll. So I stopped enabling in March.
He had a number of obsessions that I noticed throughout our 10-month period (orderliness, social networks, food, his physical appearance), mood swings that could go from elatedness to deep-seated depression sometimes over the course of a day sometimes over weeks. I put all of it on some form of depression and/or bipolarity as well as the substance abuse.
As of April, things began to go really downhill - he was picking on my son verbally and would fly into sudden rages. In early May, (unreasonably) angry with me he disappeared for 3 days. I did not sleep for 72-hours fearing the worst - suicide. He ended up in a local "squat" where he could abuse more substances. I even went so far as to go down to Toulouse to see his mother and see whether there was a possibility and living space for him. I needed to breathe. He came back and we spent a wonderful week together until I brought up the subject of his 3-day stint. I simply told him that I felt badly that he loved himself so little that he couldn't imagine that I would worry about him. He flew into a rage, assaulted me and left. I spoke with his mother who was not inclined to do anything, counting on me to eventually press charges so that he could finally get help. I was not able to make that decision and I let him back into the house the next day. Once again we spebt a wonderful week but on May 26th, he was visibly jittery. He got into a verbal fight with a woman who "looked at him wrong". And then he flew into a rage against my son: they were roughhousing normally but my son accidentally "scratched" (ie nothing) his lip. I told him that I loved him but that things were not working, that he needed help. He did not want to leave. I called an ambulance. They sent me the anti-terrorist squad which meant that my SO took off into the night.
He showed up a few hours later, with a girl in tow (no more metro) who clearly had a romantic interest in my SO. I offered to pay a taxi for her. She refused. I ended up caving in and not respecting my core value (fidelity) and let her sleep on the couch downstairs. I went to bed fuming however and towards 5:30 in the morning I woke up my SO requesting that he tell the girl to leave as the metros were running. That her presence highly indisposed me. He went ballistic. He assaulted me, woke up my son and also turned on him. The girl did nothing but when she did poke her head up the stairs, it momentarily stopped my SO. I managed to get my son, the girl and myself out of the house. Then began a very long to and fro involving police, ambulances etc. My SO repeated over and over: "I love you. I want to die. I want to kill you". The police eventually caught him. I did press charges for the sake of my son. My SO did undergo a psychiatric assessment: borderline personlity disorder. He admitted to the facts (although only partially for my son) and was arraigned 72 hours later. I attended the trial as "civil party", once again for the sake of my son. Bottomline I testified that I did not want him to go to prison but desperately wanted him to get medical help.
The court heard me... .He was sentenced to 9 months (mainly because he assaulted my son) with a "sursis" and a 2-year probatory period (no violence, no substance abuse, psychological help, training/job). His mother agreed to take him in and he left for Toulouse. As the plaintiff I may request that the judge lift the obligation not to see me at the end of November.
Since the court ruling, we have been more or less in contact. I DO NOT, CANNOT bring myself to hate this man. I love him very deeply and feel as much responsible as he is for the manner in which our relationship turned. NOT the violence. I am a co-dependent but my low self-esteem does not go so far as to think that the rage and violence was warranted and that I somehow deserved it. Naturally I will protect myself and, even more so, my son. Unless he undertakes a serious path to getting help, he cannot come anywhere near my son.
He is naturally terribly sorry, he loves me, he feels ashamed etc. He has not, however, got a lid on the substance abuse, although it has been substantially reduced. His mother needs constant "coaching" and has no control over him. And because of my SO's ugly childhood, she is as much a part of the problem. In France, it does not seem that are very many associations/networks or public structures to help BPD and their families. They have very limited financial resources and since the judgment, he has only seen a psychiatrist once. He has another appointement on July 13th. I, on the other hand, am receiving psychiatric help and I have since documented myself on BPD - my SO is a "textbook" case of BPD and I am a "textbook" case of co-dependency. I really, really love this man and think that, down the line, I would be an ideal caretaker for him. But I must learn how to set boundaries, how to listen more empathetically about what he is feeling even when he is saying something hurtful, and how not to take every downturn personally.
But I am wondering... .How do you do that? Distance of course helps but when he decides to give you the silent treatment (as he is right now after a 3-week period of dialogue and kindness). Should I just throw the towel in the ring?
I am so heartbroken, confused, angry and feeling terribly helpless... .
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