My 13 year old son is being twisted by my soon to be BPD ex wife.

[M and M]

I'm currently filed for divorce and my son refuses to talk to me but when he does it's,"I hate you" or "I don't want anything to do with you!".   I work out of town 2 weeks at a time and then I'm home for 2 weeks at a time.  My wife has manipulated him to the point of hating me.  She allows his behavior and has him wrapped around her finger.  She allows him to do what he wants and she does everything for him.  She exposed him to the divorce papers and he hasn't talked to me since.  He's very sensitive and I hope not showing signs of his mothers BPD.  He has started counceling but I'm afraid I'm going to lose him.  Every day I call or text him and leave a message that I love him.  Feeling very alone.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry you're going through this M and M

It sounds like parental alienation. Have you heard of RyanSpeaks.com? Ryan is a now-adult child of parental alienation (alienated from his father), and has some good tips from the child's side of things about what can work to reach an alienated kid.

To better understand how alienation works, there is also Warshak's Divorce Poison, and Dr. Craig Childress's work (both online and a book).

The techniques to turn a child against his own parent are insidious and hard to understand. The skills to combat it are counter-intuitive and need to be learned. Validation is an important skill that you'll read about a lot, and it's essential to reaching our kids.

Do you have contact with the counselor? Any thoughts on whether the counselor is effective? If so, would you consider doing counseling with your son?

My son experienced some alienation tactics and even with as much reading as I did, there are still storylines in his head that come out when I sit in counseling with him. Talking, though, does help and the T helps to walk him through things using my son's own logic, which is often a bit distorted.

It's also possible that the PA is severe enough that you can get court to intervene, although if your ex has alienated your son completely, that might not have the best effect, especially if your state does not have an enlightened view of PA.