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[RareJewel]

 

I'm trying to sort things out.
I don't even know how to begin to explain the mess I've got going. ... .
How about an into to the family... .
(Pseudonomes)
I'm the wife/mom (w/PTSD).
H is the husband/dad (w/BPD).
Older S is the "justice sensitive" older brother and younger S is his sibling. Both are early elementary age.

After one too many 9-1-1 calls and subsequent conversations with the  suicide prevention team ... .things got dicey. And violent.
Instead of the 9-1-1 call leading to H speaking with the crisis services staff, I spoke with the sheriff. H was arrested and (eventually) pled guilty to domestic violence charges. A state issued protection order was issued.

H believes I "set him up." This ways my plan all along, to ruin him by stealing everything and running his good name into the ground. I am, in his words, "the embodiment of everything that is wrong in this world." Fearing retribution, I entered into a witness protection plan with the kids at the local domestic violence shelter. Afraid of his rage (my/kids safety) and afraid (for his safety) that he would break the protection order and be sent to jail I pushed for rehabilitation over incarceration when I spoke with the DA. Jail is not the place for H, he needs mental health support, not incarceration! He would just spend his time "writing" his own story of how I framed him, filling in the blanks with false assumptions... .plotting his revenge... .
Scary.

Currently... .
I am (physically, not legally) still separated from H. Both sons are with me. The protection order expired, but H is convinced it still stands. We talk on the phone. I make sure the kids know their dad lives them. But it's a weird scene. . . I want the the kids to have a relationship with their father. I'm not sure if a safe one is possible. Even after domestic violence rehabilitation and counseling, I still get veiled threats from H.

I am morning the loss of my partner, my home, and my pro iPod way of life. I used to be a stay at home mom. H refuses to support us financially unless we are " living under his roof." I work, a lot, and I don't make much money. I didn't take any money when I left - financially, I was fully dependent  on my husband. He wa giving me an "allowance" and monitoring my spending the night if the arrest. I wasn't allowed access to liquid assests. Luckily, I had my credit card and "bug out bag" already packed in case he kicked me out (again).

I have been living a veiled life. I never ask the kids to lie when they talk to their dad on the phone. They know not to mention key details about or location. inwant to make peace and have the kids at least spend time with Kilgrave ... .but I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.

Work is super slow. So, I  am going to go visit my family. It's a big drive, I feel guilty that I get to see my relatives and the kids don't get to see their dad.
I need to talk to someone about how to move forward - but in a safe way!
In a perfect world, we would just go back "home" and work through this together for the greater good of the family. That doesn't nesseccsrily  mean rekindling a relationship, just being able to have a way to communicate like rational, reasonable adults ... .I don't know if that's possible.
We all need Closure.  

❤️

[Harley Quinn]

Hi and welcome  

My heart goes out to you.  Suicide threats, attempts, shocking self harm and violence is the way my relationship was with my exBPDbf, so I really can sympathise with how you must be feeling about all of this.  It is extremely impacting on you, mentally, physically and emotionally.  Then to have kids in the mix adds to the need to 'keep it all together' for their sake, which puts further strain on you.  It's good to hear you had what sounds like a safety plan in place, with your 'bug out bag' at least at the ready.  Also that you sought out the right help at the time to protect yourself and the kids.  You're a very strong lady by the sounds of it.  

I have a young son who is from a previous relationship, so don't have the custody / access issues that some members here do, however he was impacted massively by the relationship and 6 months later I'm still fighting to get him back after events took a further negative turn.  That's another story.  It's natural to want the children to have what they need and also natural to be fearful about whether that isn't something that their father can provide - ie a healthy positive role model figure in their lives.  Only you know the full extent of what you're dealing with here.  

Are you still getting help and support from services who can advise you about different options available that will safeguard both yourself and the children whilst allowing them contact?  For example supervised contact in a contact centre?  I'm in the UK and that's how it is done here, however it may be different terminology in your neck of the woods.  I'd really recommend looking into what support you can get from professionals who deal with this sort of thing all the time as they have the know how about what's possible to achieve in a healthy way for everyone concerned.  

Do stay in touch with us.  I'm keen to know how your trip to see the family goes and if any good ideas are generated.  You're right to seek support and it's a priority so try not to feel guilty.  Without proper planning and safeguarding it wouldn't be wise for the children to be seeing their father just yet.  However you mean to do all you can to ensure this does happen in a safe and considered way, so there really isn't a reason to feel bad.  I know it's natural to anyway.

So glad you found the site.  You will find this a safe place to share and get helpful input from others who can relate to your experience and there is lots of great information available here in articles, workshops and lessons. Keep reading and posting and good luck with the trip.  I'll look forward to hearing how you're getting on.

Love and light x    

[DaddyBear77]

RareJewel,

I also wanted to welcome you and I am glad you found this site.

You mentioned you had family for support. Do you have any other support in place? Are you still working with the DV shelter you initially connected with?

There's a long road ahead and I'm glad to hear you've found a safe place. Safety should always be the number one priority, for both you and your children.

Please tell us more and we are here to help in any way we can.

~DaddyBear77