The ways we(I) hang on

[jinglebells1989]

Ever since this breakup I have spent so much time online reading about not only BPD but all the cluster B disorders. I'm sure this is common among a-lot of posters here.

I would say that a good 80% of what I've read online about these disorders matches this person I was with.

I think all this research I've been doing is my way of hanging on to her, as pathetic as that is. I have come to the point where I'm exhausted with reading about Cluster B disorders online and don't want to do any more of it, but it's the only thing I have left of her. It's my only way to hang on to her and the relationship.

I'm at the point where I'm realizing I have to just completely let it go. I know that I've identified what she is and what has actually happened AND what caused it, but I can't let go. I feel like I have to know for sure because as we all know there is always this doubt in your head, i.e. "Maybe she wasn't disordered. Maybe I just ruined a good relationship and she was right about me."

I'm afraid and sad to finally let this go. I know what she was but it's like I can't accept it. I'm using this as a crutch to hang on to her and I just don't know how to pull the final plug and quit all of this. I miss who I thought she was.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you finally let it go and just move on.

This is so hard and has truly been a life changing experience. I miss what I thought she was so much.

[willtimeheal]

I am not sure you ever really "let go."  Being with a BPD is a life changing experience. And it doesn't really matter if she had BPD or not... .the person was toxic for you.
There is no magic formula... .I think the more you get back to your life and back to the things you enjoy... .your life "gets better."  As life gets better, the relationship with the BPD becomes part of your past and slowly you allow the new to enter your life.

[ScottishKin]

I've found in the five weeks since my separation from my uBPD wife, I have accumulated enough knowledge on the disorder I could probably phone in a PHD on the subject.

I find that my vehement efforts to digest every blog, article, book and forum on the subject is my way to 'justify' what went on for the past 8.5 years, to make sense of the senseless.

But maybe you're right. Maybe all I'm actually doing is looking for a way to cling onto her, our marriage. Otherwise, understanding the thought process is a completely moot point as I'm as likely to shove my size 12 up Connor McGregor's behind as I am to entertain or enter a relationahip with anyone displaying red flags in the future.

So yeah, why do we do it? Food for thought.

[once removed]

hi jinglebells 

i know what you mean. im many years out now, and a large part of my day still revolves around BPD 

i think that it can help as we heal to begin to move the focus to ourselves, our role in the relationship, how we interacted, where we need to grow. understanding BPD can inform that if we use it in that way. the thing is, that by doing so, we make it less about "BPD", and we can better understand how the relationship broke down, grieve, and let go.

[Powers76]

Same here. Almost a year of roller coaster and 3 break ups. I've reread everything online over and over searching beyond answers. Its self soothing. Validating. And it's hanging on... .but realizations happen too. If I don't value my self worth then who will? I deserve kindness and genuine love like I gave so freely. You are not alone but invest in yourself, love yourself enough to let go of those you don't see your value. It's truly their loss. Peace n light.

[abraxus]

Personally I've found the opposite.

When my relationship ended it was pretty confusing, and so I started to read up on things. It helped me see where I might have unintentionally said or done the wrong thing, and how her actions or reactions could be explained in a somewhat rational way. I came to the conclusion that, whether or not we might have wanted the same thing at one point, we were communicating in entirely different emotional languages.

That helped me lose any feelings of blame or guilt, about myself or her. So, whilst the first few weeks were difficult, because it was confusing, it quickly became easier. Whilst I wanted her back, I was able to let go, because it was clear she either didnt want that or was unable to, and ultimately the reasons didn't matter, as that was the reality, and so it was just a case of accepting it.

However, the reading up did teach me things about myself, and others, and that we all see life through a somewhat different lens. So, it became an interesting exercise in itself, which I still enjoy, as I've learned a lot about people and communication in general. In that sense it helped me close that one door quicker than I might have done because of the initial confusion, whilst opening another door to a different perspective on a variety of things.

[Lucky Jim]

I miss what I thought she was so much.

Hey jingle bells,  You put that well, because she wasn't really the person you thought she was.  What you miss, I suspect, was more of an illusion than a reality.  When that sinks in, you might find detachment easier to accept.  I doubt you could have done anything differently that would have changed the outcome.

we all know there is always this doubt in your head, i.e. "Maybe she wasn't disordered. Maybe I just ruined a good relationship and she was right about me."

No, most likely she was disordered and suffered from BPD, as your reading confirms.  No, you didn't ruin a good r/s, because most BPD relationships are not built to last, sad to say.  No, she was wrong about you and was probably projecting her inner turmoil onto you.  Your task, I submit, is to let go of the blame she transferred onto you.

LuckyJim

[panhead67]

hey JB,

I'm laughing because it feels like your in my brain. I am at the point of 'if I could just figure this out I could let go, or heal, or understand" then I may be alright, in time, maybe... I really don't know. I will never have  the answers, because I don't know what was truth or lies. He also had 3 other diagnosed mental illnesses left untreated. Which ones are right? I crave something in these thoughts, though,don't think it will give me closure anyway.The reality is there cant be a healthy relationship if one doesn't treat themselves for mental illness. that's clear cut, so whats the problem? we are all in different places of recovery. To accept we may not ever know, and be okay with that, and keep focusing on ourselves and taking the steps that eventually lead to some sort of peace.
 I read in someones post that they talk aloud to themselves, and that's me. I've even done it in front of my ex at work, if he says anything to me, I might just tell him, that I talk to myself now... .I don't even care, it's survival for me, and I'm just trying to do it.
the ruminations... .sometimes obsessively, sometimes in tears, anger, and frustration, its been for months, would like to say it's better, but it just is. I've tried the suggestion of saying, " Oh here i go again". Redirecting thoughts, etc. I'm trying to process something that cannot be... why couldn't he have given his all like I did? I truly gave all, everything in me. Why did he play "all of me," by John Legend, in front of me at work today, it doesn't really matter. I still have a hard time processing the hurt of him giving himself to someone else.
I would have had several months no contact, but he keeps coming to work.Today after seeing him, I'm filled with sadness. So I'll have a little grieving session and I'm uncomfortable, so I'm gonna hit the gym tonight and get it all out. I have to remind myself that I deserve someone who wont devalue, discard and recycle me over n over, that this is an attachment disorder. To care, validate and be faithful, something he couldn't do, for whatever the reason. I'll never get the love bomb back, even knowing this, I still long for him at times.

[KtotheK]

Same here. Almost a year of roller coaster and 3 break ups. I've reread everything online over and over searching beyond answers. Its self soothing. Validating. And it's hanging on... .but realizations happen too. If I don't value my self worth then who will? I deserve kindness and genuine love like I gave so freely. You are not alone but invest in yourself, love yourself enough to let go of those you don't see your value. It's truly their loss. Peace n light.

This is so so true! I always make it about what I've lost and willne dr get back again with anyone else. But if I really think about it, actually, what has she lost? She lost a loving, caring, kind, sensitive person. And what have I lost? Someone that wasn't able to reciprocate the love, that did and has made me feel the lowest of the low as they triangulated... .picked me up and put me back down again without any explanation to the point where you are actually going crazy and imagining everything! I spent 9 solid months blaming myself and it tore me completely apart. Took myself to therapy etc etc. So when I sit there jealous of the current replacement and the love bombing they will currently be experiencing, I / we need to remember that we are worthy of so much more and I / we do deserve better! And if she / they don't see the value (and partly cos they can't) then it is their loss and someone else's gain. Self love is key but when self esteem has been destroyed (nearly) it is also hard to do! But do we must

[Bushes]

Maybe give a try spending a chunk of time remembering only the lies , deceit, cruelty and complete lack of empathy. Remember instead of all the things you did for her all the things she did for you. I'm willing to bet it's a very short list. Some may not agree with what worked for me but letting the anger become the emotion I embraced really allowed me to move forward. And the anger didn't last long. But I allowed myself to feel it fully for that short time. When I came out the other side athiugh I still have moments of sadness it is not even comparable to the sadness I felt before. Think if anyone else treated you the way I assume she did the natural response would be anger or something similar to some degree. I now more often than not can look at her continuing behaviour or even stretches of silence as a behavioural study , a science project of sorts. So very predictable. And when I confirm the predictability time and again and even relate it to all the past behaviour she becomes less like the person I loved and more a two dimensional character or a poorly written character in a poorly written story. May sound cold. Perhaps some of her coldness rubbed off on me but it has helped immensely.