still attached to her opinion of me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

just finished a shift where i had to work with my ex and i'm feel jg awful, so i thought posting might help. i still like her so much sometimes but then some of her invalidating side comes out and i feel very hurt. in a way where normal ways i might effectively handle things become difficult to access. i feel so angry because yet again i let myself be vulnerable around her--i got nervous and awkard about asking her something and she became so annoyed. part time of me really wants to stand up for myself, in a calm, mature way of saying how i feel, but i am scared of conflict with her, because it never went well before and left me feeling even worse. it seems my best bet is just letting it go without telling her anything. she can be very kind, but if i insinuated she was putting me down and treating me unkind, she would not have room emotionally to care about my feelings at all i suspect. my coworkers don't see that side of her. only i do because we were intimate. it feels very isolating. i have low self esteem and here i am challenged to stand up for myself when i feel frozen. does it make sense that the standing up had to be within myself only--that i feel trying to communicate that i want to be treated with love and respect is futile? i wish she would stop talking to me. is it worth asking her to leave me alone at work? i guess i am bad with boundaries. i always just want to kid around and be friendly, but it ends up feeling like a weapon against me. thanks for hearing me out.

[vanx]

just finished a shift where i had to work with my ex and i'm feel jg awful, so i thought posting might help. i still like her so much sometimes but then some of her invalidating side comes out and i feel very hurt. in a way where normal ways i might effectively handle things become difficult to access. i feel so angry because yet again i let myself be vulnerable around her--i got nervous and awkard about asking her something and she became so annoyed. part time of me really wants to stand up for myself, in a calm, mature way of saying how i feel, but i am scared of conflict with her, because it never went well before and left me feeling even worse. it seems my best bet is just letting it go without telling her anything. she can be very kind, but if i insinuated she was putting me down and treating me unkind, she would not have room emotionally to care about my feelings at all i suspect. my coworkers don't see that side of her. only i do because we were intimate. it feels very isolating. i have low self esteem and here i am challenged to stand up for myself when i feel frozen. does it make sense that the standing up had to be within myself only--that i feel trying to communicate that i want to be treated with love and respect is futile? i wish she would stop talking to me. is it worth asking her to leave me alone at work? i guess i am bad with boundaries. i always just want to kid around and be friendly, but it ends up feeling like a weapon against me. thanks for hearing me out.

[vanx]

apologies if this is very disjointed. a little distraught and typing on my phone. i guess the main question is do others feel they are not communicating or asserting effectively because they would not be heard? guess i am still walking on eggshells? is an effective type of boundary one that exists within you without ever talking to the other person about it? i would be better off with her as zero part of my life. having to communicate my feelings feels like still being attached

[Lucky Jim]

Hey vanx, Your opinion of yourself is what matters here, not her opinion of you.  Your value and worth come from within, not from her.  It you can learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are, you may find that her opinion of you means less and less to you.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi vanx,

You can only control two things and those are your thoughts and feelings, you can't set a boundary on her, you can only set the boundary on yourself, if she does X I respond with Y. Can you tell us a little bit more about what's going on at work? Do you closely work together?

[vanx]

Thanks for the support, LJ and Mutt. I feel better this morning getting some help from you two!

LJ, you are right. And at the end of the day, I am grateful, because this experience is finally forcing me to take my own self love and respect really seriously! Thank you for reinforcing the importance of my own opinion of myself.

Mutt, thank you. I am really trying to learn about boundaries better. That's right, so the boundary has to be set within. Does that mean it is usually ineffective to say something like "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way"? It is more effective to perhaps excuse yourself and leave the room. And is this somewhat exceptional for dealing with more difficult situations? With my friends, I would like to tell them, kindly, if something is hurting me, and I know they would understand and we would work it out. With my ex, communication always seemed to come back as a weapon against me, so I don't trust telling her much.

Typically we don't have to work together--we will just see each other in passing as she comes in and I am going out, but in some cases I have to cover for someone and we do work together. It is a small restaurant and you bump into each other constantly. Yesterday, things started when I got a tap on my shoulder on the bus and it was her. Before now, I have been avoiding asking her anything personal or talking much at all, but it was an awkward situation where I felt compelled to chat some on the bus, and that set me up chatting a bit more at work and trying to be civil. But it just hurt me more when she went cold on me. I forgot about the boundary I meant to set in myself of not being vulnerable around her.

So my basic plan has been just to minimize conversation because I don't trust her not to be hurtful. If something does happen again and i do feel hurt by her, does anyone have any suggestions for a way I might respond?

[Mutt]

Mutt, thank you. I am really trying to learn about boundaries better. That's right, so the boundary has to be set within. Does that mean it is usually ineffective to say something like "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way"? It is more effective to perhaps excuse yourself and leave the room. And is this somewhat exceptional for dealing with more difficult situations?

You're correct about boundaries she doesn't understand boundaries the same ways that your friends do , usually you don't have to communicate it, sometimes you do. Just as you said, you can say "I'm not going to be treated that way" and walk away, change the tempo and go and find something else to do, if you're in a restaurant find something to clean or prep, be consistent with your boundary, she will eventually get it.

I used to be a line cook years ago, so I understand that you're limited with space, regardless if you're in a bigger kitchen and you're working back of house and she's working front of house eventually you'll bump into each other. What I liked about working in kitchens is that you're never out of work, people have to eat, have you thought about going to work at a different restaurant?

With my ex, communication always seemed to come back as a weapon against me, so I don't trust telling her much.

Exactly, set the boundary on yourself that you're not going to share anything personal and just keep it professional, sometimes my ex will share things are personal, she'll even say it's none of your business but I'm going to tell you anyway, she can say whatever she wants but it doesn't mean I have to share something personal with her.

[vanx]

Thank you, Mutt. Ok this makes great sense. I guess I slipped up on my own boundaries yesterday but I will now set them back in place. Ha well it's a bit of a long story--as far as finding a new job, I quit work after the breakup, had trouble finding something else I liked, then my boss offered me my old job back. I told her about the breakup, so she knows I prefer separate shifts. Hopefully I won't have a full shift together like last night any time soon. But if I do I will definitely be working more on boundaries. Thanks!