No follow through

[Hmcbart]

I wonder if she even believe their own words.  I feel like I'm just being told what I want to hear in an effort to shut me up.  Then when it comes time for her to make good on what she said she finds a new or old reason why it won't happen.  Waiting to see if she will make good on her words is like watching paint dry.  Paint doesn't care how long it takes to dry.  I feel like if I don't something, she only takes that as I am no longer wanting her to do what she said.  If I don't say anything, she seems perfectly content not bringing it up.  It's like she thinks if she doesn't say anything it will just go away and she won't have to do it.  Some days I'd rather watch paint dry. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lostandconfused6]

I wonder if she even believe their own words.  I feel like I'm just being told what I want to hear in an effort to shut me up.  Then when it comes time for her to make good on what she said she finds a new or old reason why it won't happen.  Waiting to see if she will make good on her words is like watching paint dry.  Paint doesn't care how long it takes to dry.  I feel like if I don't something, she only takes that as I am no longer wanting her to do what she said.  If I don't say anything, she seems perfectly content not bringing it up.  It's like she thinks if she doesn't say anything it will just go away and she won't have to do it.  Some days I'd rather watch paint dry. 

This is my life in a nutshell he will say things like "you don't even realize how much i care and think about the things we talk about" my response "would you mind showing it a little more?" he says something along the lines of "my feelings and thoughts change day to day and i mean what i say when i say it but sometimes that changes" or "don't throw stuff in my face that ive said before" or "i'm trying to figure out how to handle it, not everything is as cut and dry as you make it"

It will be something as simple as telling me when he gets home or goes to the gym or where ever or something as big as needing to cut someone out of his life. Itf's like he just hopes the problems work themselves out or go away

[Hmcbart]

I've kind of given up asking her to do too much.  I struggle with the lack of affection and sex. She will say it's important and tell me everything I need to hear but then there will be no follow through.  Usually when I bring it up again it causes an argument that she then turns around uses as her justification for not doing it.  We started MC this year and when I brought up how I felt like she didn't truly want to be with me sexually and how she doesn't try to show any real affection it was talked about.  She said exactly what I wanted to hear and evidently what the T wanted to hear.  I was then told that what I was thinking wasn't true and I needed to believe her words.   Fast forward 7 months and it has gotten better by about 2% but only if I am asking her to show affection.  The only good thing is the length of time in MC has allowed the T to see first hand what I have been saying.  Sadly when it's brought up now my wife finds a way to twist it around and make me the reason for her not following through with what she says. 

If we hadn't been together for 20 years and have 2 young kids, I'd of left after I finally came out of the FOG.   

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling unfulfilled. One harsh reality I've learned is that if I want something I have to ask for it. Many people with BPD (and many without) cannot tell what your needs are without being told. Although physical affection may be important to you; it just may not be up there on her radar.

For instance, for me, my love language is for my H to do things to help out around the house. He rarely does any of these things  without me asking. I've learned that since it's important for me that he helps me with home upkeep, that when I feel like this need is not being met, then I ask him to clear a pile of clutter or sweep the floor. He hates doing it, but I thank him for it. I also try to reward him with a little more physical affection (which is his love language). I know that he will not pick up a broom in a couple days no matter how happy it made me. He isn't doing it on purpose. It's just not something he thinks about.

One other aspect to consider is that many with BPD do have a hard time with follow through. It comes with the lack of executive control. It may be difficult for them to think ahead or to follow through on things that are not immediately in front of them.

[lostandconfused6]

I'm to the point now i'm scared to point anything out or ask for anything it has gotten a little better the last few weeks but there are still moments. I'm scared because I don't know which reaction i'm going to get. I think we are doing well then bam full on rage over something small.

Has she ever made good on the things she has said or is this new?  or is it hit or miss?

[WitzEndWife]

My H is the spottiest on following through on things. He only does things if the benefit for himself outweighs the effort required. He does things when he feels like them, not when he should do them. It was making me crazy that he would promise the moon and never follow through. I would nag and nag, and he would just get mad at me, or rage out and start throwing things around. So, I stopped, and I stopped caring about HIS actions. Instead, I began focusing on mine. I started thinking, "How much time am I going to give him to do X? And what will be the consequences from me if he doesn't do X?" That way, I can focus on myself, stop enabling him, and let him grow up and learn to deal with grown up things little by little.

For example, he had a medical bill that he didn't anticipate, and I didn't pay it for him. Instead, when he mentioned it to me, I did nothing. He had to take the initiative to pay it himself, which he did. The more he does on his own, and the less dependent he is on me, the better he feels and the better our marriage is.

There are still some big hurdles he needs to overcome, like getting on with his career, and consistently holding down a job, but I celebrate that he is taking more initiative to do things on his own. It might take some time, as he has never really had to do anything on his own. He's always had a parent or a significant other to foot the bills. Little by little, as he takes on more responsibility,and I pull back the support, he will realize what he is capable of. I think that will help us a lot.

Anyway, my point is that you can only control your own actions here, so take back some of the control over your life and your feelings. This person may not ever change. You can only change yourself.

[Tattered Heart]

I totally get that. I struggle with that fear too. Sometimes it seems like it's almost not worth speaking up for my own wants and needs in order to avoid the fallout from it. But that's not a healthy place for us nons. For me, part of my self care is to say what needs to be said, even when I'm scared of the response. If I don't speak out, then I fall into a very dark, dark place. How does it affect you emotionally if you don't speak up for yourself?

If you were to speak up, what is the worst that could happen?

We have a workshop that might help you. It's about using a technique called DEARMAN. I'm starting to incorporate this more into my communication with my H and it seems to be helping.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[Hmcbart]

We did the love language thing after we started MC.  We took the test and it showed I'm all about physical touch and second was gifts.  She complained about the test because she felt strong about both choices to the questions.  She told me she was choosing both answers the majority if the time.  Her language was quality time.  

Now to the fun part.  I can't figure out how to show her language when she is constantly in bed with a headache or even just laying there watching tv.  I don't want to spend my entire weekend laying in bed with her.  I can do it for short periods but I can only watch so much "Say Yes to the Dress" before I want to kill my self.  As far as her showing my language.  She very rarely touches me.  He idea of affection is a hug and friendly peck kiss when I get home from work.  Gifts, I think she has an aversion to that one when it comes to me.  I don't enjoy things like birthdays, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, etc. because I usually don't get anything.  I get told she wasn't able to get me anything because she wasn't feeling well or she was busy doing something else.  When she does try it feels more like she is just doing it to say "I got you something now shut up".   It usually is wrapped in the same Walmart bag it was picked up in.  Usually a gift card that she knows I will use on other people.  Never any special occasion sex though, that's just our of the question.  So as far as her not thinking about it, I don't buy it.  She knows these things are important to me and we've talked about it and out of therapy.  She will go out of her way to buy and wrap gifts for others but never for me.  On fathers day she got me something and it was delivered in the Walmart bag.  It was brought up in our MC. She got upset that I was bringing it up.  The funniest thing was that she actually said "I knew you wouldn't be happy that I left it in the Walmart bag!"  The MC even chimed in and asked her why she did it if she knew it was important to me and that's I'd be hurt if she did that.  She just said she didn't think about it when she got it.  She did make sure to wrap her fathers gift though.  It may sound like I'm being petty but I had to say something multiple times before Father's Day to try and let her know how much it would mean to actually receive something for a change.  It just felt like she was saying "f you, here's your gift".  

[Hmcbart]

Has she ever made good on the things she has said or is this new?  or is it hit or miss?

She always makes sure to point out that it does happen eventually.  Sex for example is a big thing for me.  She continues to say it is for her also.  So I ask about and she will say she can't tonight for what ever reason (hasn't shaved her legs, headache, too tired).  She will then proceed to say that she can in X days.  When the days are up she finds a new reason why she can't.  Then after a couple of months and I'm hurt beyond belief, she may relent.  So in her mind she does do it eventually.  I told her to no longer make me anymore false promises.  I've told her and our MC that I can't trust her when she says she will do something. 

As far as pointing things out.  I try not to when things are better because I don't want to rock the boat.  I've learned that anything I say or ask for can quickly be turned around and used as the next justification for her silent treatment or cobtinued withholding of affection.   

[Hmcbart]

I get the DEARMAN thing.  How do you use it when it comes to something like sex or more affection. Even when she claims to want them both with me, she almost always finds an out.  It will be a headache, a time of the month that lasts 10-14 days (even though she tells others it only last for 3-4), some other reason to say no that can't be overcome because I'm not in her body.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.  All her actions say that she doesn't but I try to focus on her words when she says she does.  I'm completely screwed up in the head.   

[Tattered Heart]

It sounds like you've made it clear to her that having sex is important to you. FOr women, it's a little different. My H explained to me once how sex and self worth as a man are tied in together. He shared with me how when I turned him down that it devastates him and it causes feelings in him of rejection, being unattractive, and like he is a failure as a husband. He told me this when things were not emotional or when we were fighting, but when things were calm and rational.

His calmness and honesty in how it affects him on a deeper level than just his emotions changed the way I looked at this subject forever. In that, we then were able to talk about the dangers of not being intimate togehter and how that opens him up to be more easily tempted. We talked about what I thought was a reasonable number of times per week for sex and what he thought was a reasonable number of times and met in the middle.

Do you think this is something you could bring up when things are going relatively well? Validate her concerns (such as being tired, or whatever she might have). Perhaps you could try to find out what about sex is important to her. Then honestly and openly share how it makes you feel to be rejected (but in a validating way).

[lostandconfused6]

She always makes sure to point out that it does happen eventually.  Sex for example is a big thing for me.  She continues to say it is for her also.  So I ask about and she will say she can't tonight for what ever reason (hasn't shaved her legs, headache, too tired).  She will then proceed to say that she can in X days.  When the days are up she finds a new reason why she can't.  Then after a couple of months and I'm hurt beyond belief, she may relent.  So in her mind she does do it eventually.  I told her to no longer make me anymore false promises.  I've told her and our MC that I can't trust her when she says she will do something. 

As far as pointing things out.  I try not to when things are better because I don't want to rock the boat.  I've learned that anything I say or ask for can quickly be turned around and used as the next justification for her silent treatment or cobtinued withholding of affection.   

I have been down this road so many times of telling him "don't make me promises you don't intend to keep or tell me things i need/want to hear that have no truth behind them" many times he has agereed then a rage will ensue and he will tell me " i only told you that to shut you up" he tells me i can't handle the bad truth only the good truth or some of his answers aren't what i want so i don't accept them and keep pushing. then when he's out of his rage he tells me he meant the good truths and i'm left lost and confused (given my name on here)

Which the pushing part typically isn't true that is his biggest cop out with me "you're pushing stop it i feel backed into a corner" i have finally found my voice and told him you aren't going to lie to get out of this and say i'm doing something i know i'm not i'm very sorry you feel that it is coming across as pushing but i know for a fact that's not what i'm doing and you aren't going to continue to say things that aren't true to get out of conversations. I tell him if you want to think and process that's ok but only if you are really going to do it in a timely manner.

My huge thing is finding a compromise or a solution and moving on from the issue at hand so it doesn't have to be brought up over and over again. maybe this is a flaw of mine i try my hardest to be reasonable but sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with a 1 sided unreasonable person

[Hmcbart]

Tattered Heart: the things your husband shared were very accurate in my case also. It's good that y'all were able to have that conversation when there was no dysregulation happening.  I have shared those same things as well. Several times before MC, and recently in from of the T.   Things were calm each time, other than the fact that I was in tears.  Each time she has acknowledged me and says she understands.  That's about as far as it gets.  Maybe it's different when the one without the PD is the one hearing the information.  I'm not being sexist, but I notice everytime we've started seeing a new therapist, it starts out where I'm under the bright lite being looked at as the one with the problem. Only after a few months of sessions do they start to see the truth.  Unfortunately I think this is a problem in scociety as a whole.  If a man is being abused it is looked at and treated completely differently.  It seems, for me anyway, that I have to start out in the negative and work my way to even just to get anyone to listen to what I am saying.

As far as compromise, yep.  I did that and continue to do it. This time I got her to compromise to 2-3 times per month.  But, then that's where this thread comes in.  Her 2-3 times turned out to be too often for her.  So once every 2-3 months is closer to reality, but I almost have to beg for that.  I think I've validated and compromised too much. To the point that she knows now that I will give in and accept things the way she wants them.

 How do you come back from 22 years of giving in to your SO way and change it to a true compromise?