Do You Think My Mother Has BPD?

[Squeek123]

Hi everyone, I do believe my mother could have BPD, so I wanted to ask the community if what I describe would sound like it. Sorry if I asked before, just trying to clarify it -

Lacks empathy Holds Grudges

Doesn’t think she is at fault

It is others faults, never hers (in her mind)

Has the ability to rage on rare occasions (behind closed doors), and does become very manipulative and verbally aggressive

Won’t let something go, keeps on Likes to blame others (my father) when her own decisions backfire

Has obsessive tendencies, OCD (she apparently was diagnosed with OCD)

Has the ability to do nice things for people

Doesn’t have any friends, has fallen out with the entire family (her mother, sister etc)

Can be very suspicious of others

Lacks real confidence

Believes others have treated her badly

Seems overly clingy to my dad, and she doesn’t seem to like him spending time with me alone (or anyone, including his own mother).

She would like me to move out, and I am at the age. But she isn’t patient and keeps going on about it to me and my father, rather than waiting for a better time.

Talks vainly at times, like “I wish your dad’s mother would hurry up and go so there is more money available to get you a home”. And, “If I get cancer I’d love to take others with me like this family”.

After doing my research, it seems as though it falls under a Cluster B personality disorder. Paranoid Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Since she doesn’t boast about achievements, I can’t imagine this would be narcist (although the rage element is in all three disorders? Any ideas people? I doubt these symptoms can be contributed to OCD alone – but I might be wrong.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Squeek123  

Every attribute you list, would fit that of someone with BPD, so you’ve come to the right place, so Welcome.

Technically we are not allowed to diagnose in the absence of the patient (and appropriate medical qualifications). But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.

Knowledge is power, and if you hang around here you should deepen your understanding of BPD and hence be more confident in your own diagnosis. But whether  that diagnosis is true or otherwise, there are many techniques and approaches that help when dealing with people who exhibit the symptoms you list.  We know how tough it must have been for you, reared in that environment.

It might help if you discuss the behaviour you are finding hard to deal with, then others may have suggestions on techniques that make things easier for you. But more importantly, find ways to help you heal. Because BPD or not, that set of behavioural traits must have been very hard to deal with. So what aspects of BPD have you found the hardest ?

[keeblerc]

I joined this group initially b/c of my sister's diagnosis with BPD but I'm fast coming to the conclusion my mother has BPD as well. Your mom's behaviors are a lot like my mom's and sister's.

1) Lacks empathy; holds Grudges. Doesn't think she's at fault; others fault always - my sister and mother don't have the words "I'm sorry" in their vocabulary and you can say something they don't like once only to have it pop up years later as a grudge they "treasure" to use when needed. When my sister stole money, my credit, my medical records (she posed as me to get vicodin), my jewelry it wasn't her fault. My mother backed her up; it was my fault for not keeping my things more secure. It was the clinic's fault for not asking my sister for proof of identity. You know the story. And they honestly believe it--or talk themselves into believing it.

2) Has the ability to rage on rare occasions (behind closed doors), and does become very manipulative and verbally aggressive - again, textbook my sister and mom although they rage frequently but always behind closed doors as the opinions of others are very important to them. My sister is one of the most manipulative people a friend of mine, an FBI profiler, has ever met. He told us that and she never went back. My mother is extraordinarily verbally abusive. Always has been but, again, in private and just to my dad, me and occasionally to my sister.

3) Won’t let something go, keeps on Likes to blame others (my father) when her own decisions backfire - Bingo! My sister and mother still blame me for my sister going to prison for stealing jewelry from a store. Actually, she was put in prison b/c she refused to do community service but "if I hadn't reported her for stealing my medical identity she wouldn't have gone to prison." I NEVER reported her for all the other things she stole b/c my mother cajoled, threatened, manipulated until I was so worn out I agreed not to press charges. They're a potent team.

Has the ability to do nice things for people - Mom says her friends "think she's a saint" b/c she's capable of doing very nice things for people who aren't immediate family. She's one of the only people I know who say regularly "I saw so and so today. They/he/she just LOVE me!" I suppose that falls under lack of confidence.

Doesn’t have any friends, has fallen out with the entire family (her mother, sister etc) - My sister has become estranged from all her friends, her son, me, the rest of family. She's not even allowed in their homes b/c she steals from everyone.

Can be very suspicious of others - My sister is VERY suspicious; almost paranoid. My mother buys into that. Says police are listening in on the phone so not to say anything about my sister's activities.

Believes others have treated her badly - Wow, that's my sister's favorite go to place. EVERYONE treats her terribly. I sat at her bedside for several days last week after her latest overdose; a year ago I lived in the ICU for two weeks b/c she was in organ failure. Our mother, believing she was being blamed for enabling my sister's drug abuse, stayed away on vacation.

Seems overly clingy to my dad, and she doesn’t seem to like him spending time with me alone (or anyone, including his own mother). My mother is overly clingy with her 86 year old boyfriend. His opinions become hers. Everything is "we." We do this; we do that. My sister falls fast and hard for anyone who shows her a bit of interest and also gets extremely clingy; one poor guy had to take out a restraining order b/c after he broke up with her she stalked him at work and home.

I don't know for sure my mom--or yours--has BPD but my sister has the diagnosis after years of not knowing what was happening with her. The clinginess, lack of empathy and ability to say sorry or own her behavior, the feelings of being wronged by everyone, the raging in private, the manipulation including setting up rifts between others,... .all of it contributed to my sister's diagnosis and I've read that many people with BPD have a parent with BPD or serious emotional issues. Hence, my now taking a hard look at my mother as you are with yours.

The problem is what to do with people who feel strongly they don't have a problem.

[keeblerc]

Dear Squeek 123,

I want to add something. If you are being treated badly, whether or not your mother has BPD, my solution is to do things to help myself get away from the situation. I joined this group b/c knowledge IS power and it helps me keep my footing when the drama escalates. I'm actively looking for jobs and a home that's further away from my mother and sister; currently I'm three blocks away and that's too close. I'm keeping my plans and thoughts close to the vest as far as my family is concerned as disclosure will lead to drama and nasty comments designed to damage my hard won self-esteem. I'm volunteering at a homeless shelter and another for battered women and children. It keeps me busy and doing something for others keeps me from feeling anxious and frightened. I've blocked my sister's phone and email and just blocked my mother's as well.  Above all, I keep my face and body language neutral and don't bite at the bait. Vigorous exercise helps me do this, as does meditation. I mentally remove myself from the moment by concentrating on people I love, like my daughter, and situations which were happy. I couldn't survive w/o my sense of humor btw! Try to see the humor in things. If nothing else, if you remain impassive or your eyes reflect a hint of happiness and laughter, it will disarm your mom b/c she will see she's not getting to you... .and wonder why. It's not medical advice by a long shot although these are tips from therapists for me. Put yourself first; protect yourself; love yourself!

[Squeek123]

Hey there  

Thanks for the reply's!

It certainly seems possible she has this. Especially since we can both relate, keeblerc. It seems like you are dealing with it well considering. I am questioning myself far to often, wondering If I am the problem - maybe sometimes I am, but that can never make many of her behaviors acceptable. It is hard to deal with, that's for sure.

One thing, I don't think my mother would ever steal, I've never noticed her do that - she seems honest in that respect - this seems to be a issue your sister has. Other than this we seem to relate with many areas of our local family

It is great to be able to discuss it here with others.

[Roselily]

Yes! Exactly!