First Post - Hi

[TheViewFromHere]

Hi,
I'm nervous of doing this but it's also a step, an action, which is important. I've spent too long in my own head trying to understand what I'm not capable of understanding. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hello TheViewFromHere, and welcome to bpdfamily.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? They dynamics of a BPD relationship can be complex, and we all need help understanding and learning how to negotiate them. How can we help you? There are some excellent workshops in the Lessons to the right of this page. Take a look through. Ask questions. We are here for one another.

And again, welcome to the community boards.

[forlorn]

Hi!  I want to validate that this first step is important - you are so right!  I've only been on the site for a very short time, but the interactions I've had so far have been a huge help - even if only to reassure myself that I'm not alone.  Please do share when you can, and what you feel comfortable sharing.

When I first started posting, I felt like I was betraying my partner.  It's been so many years of hiding what's happening, covering up, and denying how deeply this has affected me, that it felt like I was a horrible person to be putting the words out into the universe.  But it helps.  More than I can say. I hope you find comfort and healing here - as well as practical ideas that can help you in your journey towards a healthier relationship if that's what you're seeking.

[TheViewFromHere]

Hello TheViewFromHere, and welcome to bpdfamily.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? They dynamics of a BPD relationship can be complex, and we all need help understanding and learning how to negotiate them. How can we help you? There are some excellent workshops in the Lessons to the right of this page. Take a look through. Ask questions. We are here for one another.

And again, welcome to the community boards.

Thank you @takingandsending I will take a look at the lessons - but just joining this forum and making that first post has given me a feeling of being in the right place. I've just passed the 40th anniversary of our marriage, which seems incredible. A few years ago I left because I couldn't cope with the stress and unpredictability of my husband's behaviour - I was always on an emotional rollercoaster without any idea how to cope and it was so hard to describe his behaviour. And to outsiders, even family, we seem to have it all. But I returned - he was making such promises and efforts and all seemed much better and our grown up children were pressuring me, I felt. I failed totally to convey what it had been like for me. But now the irrational behaviour and responses to perfectly innocuous things (always just with me, this never happens when there are any others around) are warning signs to me. I have started to take notes, to keep a record so that I know I haven't misremembered. For example we were going on a trip a few weeks ago, a treat that our daughter had gifted us, and I made some remark to some item on the car radio, which expanded on a comment my husband had made. There was total oppressive silence from him for the rest of the journey, except when I asked him something to break it. It seems that I was not supposed to say something that he felt contradicted him. It was such an unpleasant day, when we were supposed to be enjoying ourselves - and we even sent photos back to show our daughter what a good time we were having. I felt as if I was going demented.
I will take a look at the lessons as you suggest - I really want to know how to cope, how to respond in the moment. I always feel bewildered and confused, scared too, when he has one of these episodes. This is not a normal way to be living is it?

[TheViewFromHere]

Hi!  I want to validate that this first step is important - you are so right!  I've only been on the site for a very short time, but the interactions I've had so far have been a huge help - even if only to reassure myself that I'm not alone.  Please do share when you can, and what you feel comfortable sharing.

When I first started posting, I felt like I was betraying my partner.  It's been so many years of hiding what's happening, covering up, and denying how deeply this has affected me, that it felt like I was a horrible person to be putting the words out into the universe.  But it helps.  More than I can say. I hope you find comfort and healing here - as well as practical ideas that can help you in your journey towards a healthier relationship if that's what you're seeking.

Thank you - your response mirrors some of my own thoughts on joining this forum. It all helps.

[forlorn]

This is not a normal way to be living is it?

Hi, again!  Nope - in my heart I firmly believe that this cannot be a normal way to live.  And the fact that, at least in my experience, the behavior has to be kept under wraps indicates as much.  Why would you have to hide something that is reasonable and normal?

I just want to tell you that the story you told about your vacation is so typical of some of the things I experience, that you could have substituted my name and partner's in the story and it would have read the same way.  Even the part of the motions you went through to demonstrate how everything was just fine. So painful and difficult! 

While I'm not the right person to give you practical advice on how to diffuse the landmines, there are so many people on this site who can help you find center and learn to take your life back.  And in the threads of the stories that are told here, you will find ways to anchor yourself in reality and make intentional decisions that lead to better outcomes for yourself.  Keep checking in - you're SO in the right place!