Feeling at a loss and a ton of confusion

[rdsd3713]

Hello all,

This is my first post and I was referred by a friend because they thought it may help me work through a recent breakup with my S/O who had BPD. I never really understood the disorder until recently and that is entirely my fault. Here is my story I guess

I have been with my S/O for over 4 years and we definitely had our ups and downs. Well we were engaged at one point and that came to an end due to some infidelity on her end. I was distraught, but after some time I forgave her because I truly do love this woman. Well things we're great after that for about a year. Then it happened again, but this time I feel it was my fault because I neglected her so much while focusing on school and work. I was snappy and sometimes hurtful because I was so stressed. I never wanted to do anything because I was tired. This was maybe 2-3 months ago. Once again I was willing to get past this. Well the 3rd of July I get a text message that says "You know I'm bad with words and communications, but I'm leaving for awhile to stay at my brothers."  I was obviously hurt and upset by this. I gave her some space for a few days before I felt comfortable to talk. well things actually went well that following weekend. We talked about how we wanted a family ( she thought I didn't) I actually proposed and she said YES. We had a date night and adult time and everything was back on cloud 9. Well 2 days later She says she wasn't ready for us and called it off. I did a little investigating and found a number to someone she had been talking to behind my back and she wants to be with. they actually met at a party the 3rd. I actually was furious to the point I didn't really know how to handle anything right then and I ended up taking her phone and was ready to cut ties. Well once again we started talking and she wants to be friends. I however want to marry this woman... .I feel like a fool, but my hear tis so happy when I'm with her. Wel a few days later she asks me for help because she has no money and no food or gas and wont be able to make it home from work. I went and bought her food and sat up talking with her for almost 10 hours. This went on everyday so far. through all the talking she said she still loves me, but he makes her happy. She said she wants to be a good girlfriend to him and wants to be faithful. However she kissed me twice one of those nights. I even flat out asked her if I still have a chance and she said yes, but only if things go wrong between them and, but she said she is trying hard to be happy with him. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions over this past week... .yes week because they weren't officially together until this week. Yesterday day she told me she doesn't love him because they aren't to that point yet, but I kinda feel like she was just saying this to make me feel better. I have also read that she sees what I did to make her happy in him, but just a few key things are off to where she thinks he wont neglect her. Am I fool for wanting to stay? Am I just clinging onto something I actually have a shot to be with her again? I've been so drained over all of this I have sought out counseling as well as hoping I can find some relief here. Thanks for read and hope to hear from anyone willing to help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lollypop]

Hi there

Gosh, I'd be feeling so very confused too. As you say, you're on such a rollercoaster ride and it's difficult to cope with the highs and extreme lows of our emotions. When I'm emotional I find it difficult to think straight.

Since being in the forum I've learnt how important it is for me to pause, allow me some time to get calm to be able to process it all rather than be driven by my emotions. This can take me quite a few days and nights particularly after feeling so very hurt and drained.

I'm really glad you've got yourself a counsellor so that you can talk things through. It can really help to understand where you are, how you got there and where you want to go.

Time is what's needed. I understand that may not be what you want to hear right now. There's such an innate urge to immediately make things FEEL right. As you've already discovered by deciding to get married and agree on children rather than working on the problems isn't the answer.

How are you today?

LP

[Sgtmack]

 
I agree that you need time in deciding what you want. Don't make decisions when you are emotional.  Keep your support system, they can help in so many ways! Relationships are difficult anytime children are involved.  Having people you that you can talk  with will help.

God will give you strength.

[rdsd3713]

That k you both for responding. I'm starting to see that letting my emotions drive me is the wrong path. I'm doing a bit better day by day, but I have had a major setback a few days ago. She came over to get some of her belongings. We talked and she said she is so torn and wants many things. She wants to be with me, but cares for and wants to be with him too. She said she only wants one of us. We also had sex that night and I feel bad about this because it technically is an affair even though they've only been together a week. It's hard coping sometimes and I can't wait for this therapy to see if I can start healing