Should I tell my uBPD I beleive he has BPD?

[EmpatheticWife2B]

Hi
Is there anyone out there who has experience having to tell an uBPD that they should obtain a diagnosis and seek help/therapy/meds for this condition? Is this something I should even DARE to consider?

I am certainly not in the medical field, I have no credentials to make a diagnosis myself.

But after doing the research, it seems extremely likely to me that my bf has this condition. There are so many matches:
- extremely insecure, needs constant attention and reassurance
- victim of poor/absent parenting, childhood trauma
- rides an emotional roller coaster that can last for hours, days.
- Freezes me out from time to time, only to welcome me back with open arms as if nothing happened.
- Falsely accuses me of flirting or disrespecting our relationship in some way
- Experiences a lot of anxiety while we are apart, has to "check on me" with video chats to confirm I'm not lying about where I am or who I'm with
- Has only 1 friend, familial relationships are broken
- Misremembers conversations, things I've said or done (or invents them) to suit his needs, justify his feelings
- Plays the role of professional victim, everyone's out to screw him over including ME, the one who loves, admires and respects him the most.

In between all of this, there are longer pockets of time where he is the most loving, caring man I've ever known. We do share so much in common; in many ways this relationship WORKS.

I don't want to hurt him, scare him, embarrass or shame him. If I dare bring up this subject i fear I might lose him.

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[Radcliff]

Hello EmpatheticWife2B,

Good to hear from you again.  Only 6 weeks into BPD awareness, and you've read the three books I've read, and it took me years to finally get a clue.  You're climbing the knowledge curve quickly, which is great.

My wife is aware that I think she has BPD, and I no longer talk about it.  She continues to not take responsibility for her half of the relationship.  From my experience of one situation, I'd say tread very carefully, and would generally advise against bringing up BPD as a "thing."  Discussing things like his limitations explicitly may be tough.  I'd start first by practicing the other skills, like validation that you mentioned, setting boundaries (a tough topic, but important, read about it to the right, and ask for help here), etc.  The things you're learning may be best a secret for now, an invisible wind beneath your wings that he may not even notice.  That said, I'd *love* to hear from others on the board who have been able to discuss BPD openly and who have SO's or spouses with BPD who are taking some responsibility for improving.  What does that look like?

As you make some improvements, keep in mind that no matter how brilliant and patient you are, you can only take responsibility for half the relationship.  Be careful not to feel like it's on you to make everything work smoothly.

[EmpatheticWife2B]

... .you can only take responsibility for half the relationship.  Be careful not to feel like it's on you to make everything work smoothly.

Thank you for this Wentworth! I have definitely been feeling the weight on my shoulders for making sure every incident gets smoothed over. Sometimes it does indeed feel like I'm sacrificing my emotional well-being so he can get a "free pass" for each incident. This is indeed very messy, it is hard to find that happy medium where I can exercise the strategies as best I can, without always letting myself get walked all over.

Do you (or anyone reading this thread) have any advice in terms of having the conversation with the uBPD about taking responsibility for half the relationship? It would be great to hear some conversation starters for this.

[Radcliff]

Hi EmpathaticWife2B,

I'm not a pro at this, not by a long shot.  The best I can do is tell you what I've done wrong, and a modest success.

When a storm passes and we get close, I start to feel safe, and want to express some of the pain I felt and ask my wife to treat me a bit better.  My wife noticed this pattern, saying that as soon as I felt safe I dumped on her, which was true.  This created the opposite incentive to what I wanted, since she got "punished" when things got good!  So I try to cool it and just enjoy the beginning of the good times without jumping right into "improvement" mode.

Positive reinforcement is a great tool, probably not used enough.  A few times, after we'd had some good discussions about trying to improve things, a little later on things started to go haywire, I validated, and I noticed my wife make an effort to pull back from the brink.  This was pretty rare for her, and I really appreciated it.  I told her I noticed this, and it was a huge help, left me feeling much better about us, etc.  If you see your BF start to get dysregulated and he pulls it together, give him a big warm fuzzy.

Starting small seems like a good idea.  Try to generate a victory.  The ideal topic would be something that means a lot to you but might not be too hard for him to improve, then if there's improvement, give it that positive reinforcement and encouragement.

I don't think my answer is all that complete.  Perhaps the most important thing to say is that when we talk about influencing our pwBPD's behavior, we're in super tough territory.  Of course we want it to improve, but the only thing we can guarantee is our own behavior.  My success at influencing my wife's behavior has been modest at best, and the way she behaves often still really hurts (like last night and this morning!

One thing you mentioned in your first post of this thread is

I don't want to hurt him, scare him, embarrass or shame him. If I dare bring up this subject i fear I might lose him.

Your sensitivity about avoiding embarrassing or shaming your BF is a good thing.  Your fear of losing him seems natural.  But it can be a bad thing if fear drives your decisions or keeps you from doing what you need to do for yourself.  In a couple of other recent threads, some of us were talking about how we only got good at setting boundaries when we accepted the fact that our SO may leave -- this was in the context of staying positive, working on the relationship, and telling our partner we wanted it to work.  But as long as I was afraid to do anything that might make my wife break up with me, I was totally unable to set boundaries.  This is a delicate topic, because your fear is real, I respect it, and you should always trust yourself to make the right calls for your situation.  This thought of accepting some risk that your BF might leave in order to improve your ability to set boundaries may or may not be right for where you are, but I offer it for you to consider down the road if it feels like the right time.

[Radcliff]

Hello EmpatheticWife2B,

I was just catching up on your other thread where you mentioned that your BF is seeing a counselor.  That's encouraging that he is working on things.  I would avoid the BPD label, but perhaps at some point if the timing feels right you might pick something (like blowups, or his anxiety about your fidelity when he's away from you) and ask if he has any coping strategies and how you can support his efforts.  This assumes that he knows that the blowups and insecurities could stand some improvement.  You could mention the counselor, but don't have to.  If I were in your shoes I might be interested in knowing if his counselor is assisting him with coping strategies such that I could support that, though you might or might not be able to find that out in a way he's comfortable with.  He may be sensitive to talking about it, or BPD issues may be beyond the scope of his counselor's training, so you may or may not want to approach things this way.  If you venture into this territory, I'd test the waters gently, and back off if he's uncomfortable.  Perhaps others will be willing to post their thoughts on this... .

[bananas2]

Hello EW2B   -
I agree with Wentworth that the topic of diagnosis for a pwBPD must be treaded lightly. pwBPD have an extremely heightened shame-response, and a label for them could trigger that shame & create dysregulation or worse.

Starting small seems like a good idea.  Try to generate a victory.

This is where we turn a perceived negative into a positive. I would suggest starting from a point where you can look at this (and help him to look at this) as a positive thing that will help both of you in your partnership & enhance your future together.
Having said that, all I can do is tell you my story with getting the diagnosis confirmed & the outcome to this point. Every individual and relationship is different, so I'm hoping that by hearing my story regarding his dx, you can take some tidbit of info that can apply to your r/s & help you both... .
Dated for 2 years, then a brief engagement & marriage. Before we married, I was "on boyfriend island" and blinded by love, so I was not as perceptive as you in noticing the red flags. Shortly after marrying, in his "impulsivity state," he physically assaulted me & I went to the police. In anticipation of the judge mandating anger management classes, I suggested he enroll and complete the classes prior to his hearing. He did so willingly, so the judge honored my request to dismiss the charges. He liked his anger management therapist, so he continued on in private therapy with him. He ended up jumping from therapist to therapist for awhile bc as each one suggested BPD, he made excuses to leave them (I only recently discovered this). At some point, he landed with a therapist whom he was comfortable with. I requested that I come with him to a session "to see if I could do anything to help." I had secretly been researching his symptoms and found BPD. It fit him perfectly. I carefully showed him the list of symptoms, stating "Maybe this could help," and he checked off almost all of them. I asked him if I could bring the printed checklist to his appt & he agreed. Therapist acknowledged and diagnosed him with BPD. Said it was not her specialty and referred him elsewhere. I researched BPD specialists in my area and he agreed to go. He has been in therapy with his therapist for at least a year now. I went to one session last year with the new therapist & gave him the same symptom checklist from last therapist. Therapist stated "These are all things we will work on," yet never discussed BPD to me or hub. So as it stands now, hub is working on his "symptoms" but we don't call it BPD. His T has even listed his dx as "mood disorder" instead of BPD, but is working on all the symptoms of BPD. I've learned through research that T's will often not tell the BPD their dx, bc it leads to shame & consequently, resistance to participate. So, at this point, he is deep in weekly therapy for his "mood disorder," not realizing he is really working on his BPD. He knows I belong to this forum, but mostly scoffs at it, thinking it's just something that helps me.
So, that's my story of getting him his dx. Most definitely the longest post I've ever written. Hope you get something out of it. Good luck to you & please keep us updated. 

[Radcliff]

bananas2,

Wow, that is a good story.  It is always nice to hear something good on this board.  The suggestion to address behaviors instead of a diagnosis seems really smart.  I'm trying to take that approach with my wife, even just to get her to take responsibility for her behaviors, but almost no luck so far.  I think I need to start smaller, with specific instances, as I've been trying to get her to agree, "Hey, I'm responsible for 50% of the relationship," which as I say it, sounds like a ridiculously naive thing to ask a pwBPD to sign up to (even if true   Thanks for the inspiration.

EmpatheticWife2B,

One thing I had been meaning to mention is the DEAR MAN technique for trying to get something we want.  It's covered as a topic on this board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[bananas2]

Wentworth -
Thank you! I was feeling bad about writing such a long post, but you made me feel better today! I really needed that. The suggestion about addressing the behaviors in spite of the dx came from my therapist: "Who cares what label he has? Is he working on his issues? Yes? Good. Leave it alone then and let him work." My personal T retired a few months ago. Damn, I miss her. But found a new one, so I hope it works out.
As for asking your SO to be responsible: Probably not gonna happen. Advice I was given on this board after I said I need to lower my expectations: "You may not have to lower. Just change your expectations to realistic." Awesome advice. 

[Radcliff]

bananas2,

I've made a few *really* long posts lately -- yours looked short   I'm trying to make some short ones to lower my average

Reflecting a bit further, I think I've been a bit dense to take the direct approach.  My wife's reaction to any direct request is to want to do the opposite.  Concentrating on specific behaviors seems like the ticket, though that in itself will be challenging (I'd like her to stop ridiculing me, but she is convinced I deserve it).  Any tips for curtailing ridicule?

[bananas2]

Wentworth - So as not to "dilute" and get too off-topic from EW2B post, I will private msg you re: your last post. Also, if you like, that would make a good topic if you choose to post.