How to move on

[Lovesjesus]

I feel as tho I should be ready to move on from my exbfwBPD but I'm scared. He was my first boyfriend and we dated for 2 years with breaks in between because he joined the Marine corps.  I really don't know what to expect from a "normal" dating relationship since all I know is my ex. Can anyone help me with this. I am 18 years old and don't know how to move on. My biggest fear is that I will give up too soon on someone because they won't put me on a pedestal in the beginning. So if someone could explain to me how some without BPD would normally operate during the dating process I would surely appreciate it. I have been so hurt and wrecked and ruined by my ex that I'm really afraid of getting hurt again .

[blueblue12]

Lovesjesus,
Wow it is a hard one to ponder but if you are sure that he was BPD the consensus here will most likely be that you are free from a very tough situation that most probably will always cause you heartache. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone loving you and putting you on a pedestal as you say, it is nice to be loved unconditionally and with that much respect. But if it becomes more troublesome then that and the games of push/pull, strange arguments, rage out of nowhere start and I went through lots of those with my ex wife, then the red flags start. But I had no idea so I just took it all on. It wasn't until I started to see a T that I understood that there was something else going on, BPD behaviours which I knew nothing about and I was with my ex for ten years! and i understood eventually that a lot had little to do with me. I was at fault as I was the rescuer and took all the blame. As my T says if you can respect yourself and be the adult and not take strange behaviours you will not suffer as much as I and others did in this forum. Seek a T and discuss your worries and your experiences, I am sure it will enlightened you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lovesjesus, Welcome!  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so try to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on yourself in terms of where you "should" be at this point.  Where you are at present is OK and is the starting point.  It's fine if you need more time to recover before getting back into the dating scene.  If you decide you are ready to date, I suggest starting slowly.  Have a cup of coffee or a beer with someone to see if you find that person attractive.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic with who you are and what you really like.  Take your time and proceed at a pace that is right for you.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Lovesjesus]

Yes I'm sure he had BPD because this was actually our second breakup. Our first breakup he didn't talk to me for 4 months and than out of the blur I got s text from him saying he needed to talk to me to explain things. He said his parents forced him into therapy after he threatened suicide and ran away from home. He said he was diagnosed with a personality disorder and that he was working on himself.  I never thought to ask or look into what that was because he seemed happier and more confident on himself and truly acted like he wanted things to work between us. We never fought the whole 16 months until the last month of our relationship but I chalked that up to his insecurities of us being apart due to his marine corporal enlistment. He broke it off with me and than just 3 months later I find out he is engaged to a girl in the Corp where he is stationed. I can't believe it cause just a month before that he tried to get me back while he was dating her. I finally looked up personality disorder and it fit him to a t.  I can't believe at 29 yrs of she and knowing someone for 3 months he wants to marry someone else after all the things we shared and what I thought I meant to him. So hurt and still confused by all of this.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi LovesJesus and Welcome! 

Very sorry to hear that this has been your first experience of a relationship.  I can, as probably all others on this board, understand your pain and confusion.  A BPD relationship is like no other.  From the sounds of it you've done your research so have a better idea of what you've been dealing with.  There are also some fantastic articles here that can help to answer some of your questions so do keep reading.  It helps to be clear about what has gone on as you can begin to depersonalise some of the behaviour you've encountered.  I highly recommend Surviving a breakup with a pwBPD (See top of this board).  It helped me enormously in my detachment. 

I know it hurts to find that you've been replaced so soon.  It happened to me too.  At the same time I think it was a positive for me because that put to rest any hopes I might have had and I took it as an insult that was like the final nail.  It gave me the last bit of resolve I needed to look away from what he was doing and concentrate instead on picking myself up and doing what I need to do for myself to heal, then I can be open to a healthier relationship in future.  I hope for the same for you. 

I really don't know what to expect from a "normal" dating relationship since all I know is my ex. Can anyone help me with this. I am 18 years old and don't know how to move on. My biggest fear is that I will give up too soon on someone because they won't put me on a pedestal in the beginning. So if someone could explain to me how some without BPD would normally operate during the dating process I would surely appreciate it. I have been so hurt and wrecked and ruined by my ex that I'm really afraid of getting hurt again .

OK regards a normal r/s you can certainly expect a lot less drama - I'd hope!  However I'd say that a r/s can be what you make it.  It would be wise to think about what boundaries you'd want to take forward with you.  What are your values that you don't want to move on?  Writing these down could help.  That way when in time you consider someone else you can assess whether they appear to respect these values and not push your boundaries on them.  There is also an article here on what a healthy relationship looks like:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

This certainly gave me some perspective when I compared my r/s with my exBPDbf!

Your other comments about moving on and feeling ruined by your ex I think can be helped by continuing to read and post here as you're in a place where others have either been through or are still going through the same thing.  You're not alone.  We all face the same challenges here and help one another on our journeys.  The lessons to the right  are extremely helpful in breaking down the process of detaching and healing, as well as the five stages which will allow you to see where you are in the process.  Sometimes we go backwards a little or bounce around and that's normal.  Take the time you need and don't put yourself under any pressure to 'be better', as rushing things won't help you long term.  Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself what you need right now.  We will be here to help you along.

Love and light x