I'm out of my depths here

[Our abuse recovery guide]

my husband's mother has high functioning BPD, she has never been diagnosed and has never been to therapy. In fact, my husband is the only one who recognizes this. Her mother had BPD as well. My husband was emotionally/physically abused by his mother his entire childhood and has been to therapy and has learned all the tricks of the trade to deal with her and set up the necessary boundaries.

I have a hard time speaking to my MIL as everytime I do, I have to hold myself back from calling her out on destroying her son's childhood, and we therefore have a pretty distant/cold relationship. we have never spoken about the past and she has been convincing herself that I don't know about anything. I do everything a good DIL is supposed to do so there is nothing she can pinpoint to.

Recently, her last child got married and she is experiencing 'empty nest', her emotions are completely out of whack and this is causing a major flair up of her unhealthiness. I have reached her 'hate-list' and she is starting to bad mouth me to my parents, her other kids and my husband. I really don't care about that part of it, but I'm worried that she is going to pass on her unhealthiness to my kids. I have three sons (1,3, 5) and she has a particularly close relationship with my oldest son. We have had some challenges in the past with her and my son and so we set up pretty strict guidelines. She has 2 hours a week where she spends time with her grandchildren. Because her emotions are so unstable now, I'm worried she's going to start breaking rules and there is a history of her mother trying to kidnap my husband when he was a kid. (literally, they kidnapped him and took him out of the country).

I'm in over my head here and since I never went to therapy to deal with these issues, I'm at a loss of what boundaries to set up, how to deal with this, how to make sure that my son doesn't suffer from his grandmothers unhealthiness.

Any tips would be incredibly appreciated!

[shylo]

my husband's mother has high functioning BPD, she has never been diagnosed and has never been to therapy. In fact, my husband is the only one who recognizes this. Her mother had BPD as well. My husband was emotionally/physically abused by his mother his entire childhood and has been to therapy and has learned all the tricks of the trade to deal with her and set up the necessary boundaries.

I have a hard time speaking to my MIL as everytime I do, I have to hold myself back from calling her out on destroying her son's childhood, and we therefore have a pretty distant/cold relationship. we have never spoken about the past and she has been convincing herself that I don't know about anything. I do everything a good DIL is supposed to do so there is nothing she can pinpoint to.

Recently, her last child got married and she is experiencing 'empty nest', her emotions are completely out of whack and this is causing a major flair up of her unhealthiness. I have reached her 'hate-list' and she is starting to bad mouth me to my parents, her other kids and my husband. I really don't care about that part of it, but I'm worried that she is going to pass on her unhealthiness to my kids. I have three sons (1,3, 5) and she has a particularly close relationship with my oldest son. We have had some challenges in the past with her and my son and so we set up pretty strict guidelines. She has 2 hours a week where she spends time with her grandchildren. Because her emotions are so unstable now, I'm worried she's going to start breaking rules and there is a history of her mother trying to kidnap my husband when he was a kid. (literally, they kidnapped him and took him out of the country).

I'm in over my head here and since I never went to therapy to deal with these issues, I'm at a loss of what boundaries to set up, how to deal with this, how to make sure that my son doesn't suffer from his grandmothers unhealthiness.

Any tips would be incredibly appreciated!

[Mutt]

Hi stylo,



You're right, BPD behaviours are worse the closer that you are to the person and if a pwBPD is feeling stressed / anxious. I don't think that kidnapping is something is genetically passed on, but I can see how a parent has influence over their child, you have a point there. Kidnapping would be the absolute worse case scenario? It sounds like things weren't as bad before her last child got married, she's going to go through an adjustment period, like anyone would disordered or non disordered.

A pwBPD can't regulate or self sooth like you or I, it takes them much longer to return to their emotional baseline of happiness. I talked about how our environment influences our behaviours, I wouldn't worry about your kids, they spend a fraction of their time with MIL, how does your H feel about a couple of hours a week?

[Turkish]

Given passport controls,  and the boundaries you've set up,  kidnapping isn't a concern,  yes? Even so,  I can imagine her past actions causing concern... .

It might be good to step back and focus on your child and how he is in the moment,  as kids are at this age.  (I have both a 5 and 7 year old myself). Have you noticed any odd behaviors or conversations from him? How does he feel about his grandma?

T

[dillpickle]

Hi shylo, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are in, but I can totally understand what you are going through!

My BPD mother often tries to separate my children from me. She often makes these not-so-funny "jokes" like, "oh, did mommy not feed you enough food today?", "why didn't mommy buy it for you?", or she will ask my child if they would like to do something fun with just her (as she doesn't want me there), but if I say no (for good reason), she will say, "Grandma really wants to give x, and do y with you, but mommy said no". She would also try to get my children to pick her over me, which really upset my husband. So he stood up to her, and now he's on her 'hate list' too.

Because of this, I no longer make the effort to see my parents weekly. My mom will call me to remind me about how my husband hurt her, and how he has no respect for her. She cries sometimes, and plays the victim, but says she "forgives him" because she wants to be the bigger person... .I know that my mother will never be a good influence on my children, as she manipulates them emotionally, will say she favours one over the other, and she will swear, curse, and fight with my dad in front of my children. I see them maybe once a month (as little as possible) because of this. Initially I felt really guilty for not making the effort to let my children see their grandparents, but after careful consideration, I honestly think it's better this way. If my parents want to see my kids, they will have to come over, and I make sure that I am always present. Hope this helps.