Second Day Post Breakup. I have depression now.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I ended it because I know it wouldn't work out with my pwBPD. She already got a replacement and refused any contact with me, not that I tried.

I cannot sleep at all. Food repulse me, making me wanting to throw up. I want to cry but I cannot, I am not sure why. I feel chest pain and hard to breathe. I feel useless and hopeless. If I died literally no one would care.

No dad. Mother kicking me out by the end of this month because of my gender preference. I have a job but had no money saved up because my mother took them all for rent, and I pay for food and utilities and university all by myself. I will need a car soon, I pay all my bills.

I miss her company, although there weren't any emotional, mature support that she can give me. I wanted to make it work, but her abuse and triangulation was too much.

Right now I want to die? I never believed in suicide but I am coming this close. No family, no "true friends" that can be here for me, needless to say I broke up with her and of course she painted me black and wants nothing to do with me.

I know I am doing my best to survive but this is getting a little harder than I expect. I am depressed because I broke up with pwBPD at a hard time in my life.

I want to sleep and ease the pain, but suicidal thiughts arent going away... .

[Edenalterego]

I ended it because I know it wouldn't work out with my pwBPD. She already got a replacement and refused any contact with me, not that I tried.

I cannot sleep at all. Food repulse me, making me wanting to throw up. I want to cry but I cannot, I am not sure why. I feel chest pain and hard to breathe. I feel useless and hopeless. If I died literally no one would care.

No dad. Mother kicking me out by the end of this month because of my gender preference. I have a job but had no money saved up because my mother took them all for rent, and I pay for food and utilities and university all by myself. I will need a car soon, I pay all my bills.

I miss her company, although there weren't any emotional, mature support that she can give me. I wanted to make it work, but her abuse and triangulation was too much.

Right now I want to die? I never believed in suicide but I am coming this close. No family, no "true friends" that can be here for me, needless to say I broke up with her and of course she painted me black and wants nothing to do with me.

I know I am doing my best to survive but this is getting a little harder than I expect. I am depressed because I broke up with pwBPD at a hard time in my life.

I want to sleep and ease the pain, but suicidal thiughts arent going away... .

[JaxDK]

Listen, you're not alone. Many here have experienced what you are going through. What you feel now WILL go away even though, that seems like it's impossible. There is help available and suicidal thoughts after a breakup are temporary. Every day will get a little better. There will be progress and setbacks but at day 2 it's way too early to think about how your future life will pan out. Losing somebody you love is damn hard

You need to call a crisis center immediately. Talking to somebody can take the edge off.

[Edenalterego]

Listen, you're not alone. Many here have experienced what you are going through. What you feel now WILL go away even though, that seems like it's impossible. There is help available and suicidal thoughts after a breakup are temporary. Every day will get a little better. There will be progress and setbacks but at day 2 it's way too early to think about how your future life will pan out. Losing somebody you love is damn hard

You need to call a crisis center immediately. Talking to somebody can take the edge off.

I tried my best and went through the second night. Woke up feeling sick to the stomach. Today I will see my exBPDgf at work because we work together. I will call crisis center if I get too close to that state of mind again. I just want to thank you for replying to me. I still feel the pain and all, but your words did help ease me so I want to thank you.

Eden

[JaxDK]

I tried my best and went through the second night. Woke up feeling sick to the stomach. Today I will see my exBPDgf at work because we work together. I will call crisis center if I get too close to that state of mind again. I just want to thank you for replying to me. I still feel the pain and all, but your words did help ease me so I want to thank you.

Eden

Being with a borderline can really turn your world up side down. Their good sides have qualities you don't see in others, which makes the draw so appealing. They have an innate ability to become everything you want in a person. Making you fall in love faster than normal because you want to. You become an addict and right now you are having horrible withdrawals. It's amplified even more, because you are in a tough place already with your family, and you need comfort and a person to be there for you right now. I can't imagine how hard that must be. It's hard enough to lose someone. Losing somebody and needing that person right now is even worse.

You will get through this. Just keep posting and keep us updated

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Edenalterego,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time.  Most everyone here can relate to the overwhelming feelings that arise following a break up with a pwBPD.  It must be additionally difficult working with her when you feel this way.  My heart goes out to you.

When I was struggling in the early days with trauma, I spoke to my doctor and got myself some talking therapy arranged plus medication to tide me over and take the edge off.  I was suffering anxiety attacks and what felt like a complete breakdown.  The medication has helped and I've done lots of self care activities to ease the depression with support of my GP.  Different things work for each of us.  Perhaps whilst you're feeling a little easier you might consider having a chat with your doctor just to see what they could offer by way of help and support.  Just to be on the safe side and to get in front of it. 

The key thing is that you recognised how low you were feeling and reached out, which is great.  How are you feeling now?  It's important that you find an outlet, and that can mean coming here to talk to others who can relate to what you're going through.  Many members of this board have been where you are and have come through it.  Be patient with yourself.  You're going through the hardest part right now and we're right behind you.  If you find yourself reaching the point where you're thinking about taking your life, JaxDK is absolutely right, you must seek help. 

There is a text helpline that you can use if that is easier and more comfortable for you.  Could be worth putting the number in your phone, just in case you should need it.  It's 741741 and you just text HELLO. 

Would it be possible to take a little bit of leave so that you can distance yourself from your ex and give yourself a bit of space to work through things whilst it's all so raw maybe?  I know you mention that finances are a challenge so that may not be your best course of action, however if you are feeling as you are your health must come first.  How closely do you work to one another?  Maybe a change is possible within the workplace.  You could speak to someone about this perhaps. 

Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.  We're listening.

Love and light x     

[Edenalterego]

You become an addict and right now you are having horrible withdrawals. It's amplified even more, because you are in a tough place already with your family, and you need comfort and a person to be there for you right now. I can't imagine how hard that must be. It's hard enough to lose someone. Losing somebody and needing that person right now is even worse.

I want to thank you for empathizing with me. I wish I can get over this as soon as possible. I understand it takes time. Once again thank you for making me feel heard and not so alone in battling against break up with my exBPD. I will continue to be strong.

[Edenalterego]

Would it be possible to take a little bit of leave so that you can distance yourself from your ex and give yourself a bit of space to work through things whilst it's all so raw maybe?  I know you mention that finances are a challenge so that may not be your best course of action, however if you are feeling as you are your health must come first.  How closely do you work to one another?  Maybe a change is possible within the workplace.  You could speak to someone about this perhaps. 

Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.  We're listening.

Love and light x     

Hey Harley,

First and foremost before I begin I would like to thank you for reaching out and taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I am currently in a better state after a close emotional break down at work. Last night I couldn't cry, and I did it in the restroom today at work after seeing her and talking to her in regard to work matters because I had to (a very very close contact I have to be with her for the job).

Unfortunately I don't have the financial ability right now to pay for a therapist. In fact my mother is kicking me out of family and house by the end of this month so I will have to look for a place to rent, as well as buying a car so I won't have to bike to work. My mother was diagnosed with NPD whilst my bio-father was diagnosed BPD. It was a mess. I have dated an NPD before and therefore was able to see how my codependency has affected me and attracted PDs. Now it's as if I am dating a partner with a trait of my father now, after I have healed from  my NPD mother. I know self work and self healing is important, I now see this as an opportunity to completely healing my childhood traumas.

I actually won't need to take time off my work because SHE would be doing that. BPDex will be going to fly out to another state that her family lives in to meet this guy (she invited him to fly out there to meet up in person), yes they will be sleeping together as I have been told by BPDex whilst I was still in a relationship with her. If you are interested in knowing more please read my other post (a very detailed description of my situation with her and her abuses).
Also, BPDex has texted me afterwards saying she will give back all the stuff I ever bought her and given her as presents (commitment ring, bday stuff, etc.) and that she will find a new job because she doesn't want to work with me.

Today at work, I asked her if she would give us another shot, because I just couldn't bear the pain even though I was the one who ended it. I secretly hoping she would say no, which she did say no, so I feel both happy and sad? Happy that she said no, double confirming that it is officially over. Sad because, well I really shouldn't be sad, there are reasons why I ended it (again, one of my other posts) but my heart just felt the pain and that's when I cried in the restroom. She treated me terribly afterwards, demanding me to do things and telling me stuff as if she knows more than me (NPD traits?), I mostly ignored the controlling behavior since we are both in the same position of power. In the last hour before her work ends, she has this sudden, very strange look on her face. Almost as if she's holding back anger, hatred, and just... .something really bad. This happened after I offered her tissues to wipe her face as she has been working an awful lot and non stop and sweating. She used to do that FOR me, offer me tissue when I would sweat. I don't know, I felt like she was disgusted almost when I offer that act out of sheer kindness.

Today BPDex also gave me back the commitment ring after work. Nothing was said, only the act of giving it back, and I took it and said thanks.

God that hurt so bad, I held back my pain and I could feel my heart dying. Physically. Yet I still had to finish my work and deal with people and direct my staff to do what they need to do.

I don't know if age says anything, I am 21, BPDex only 19. I think I mighy have to postpone education for a while now due to the situation I am in, I can't afford to fail school and pay for nothing so I rather not take the chance as of right now.

I talked to a friend today who have had similar experiences before, so that really helped.

Sometimes, though, I just feel like I keep running myself in circles. I would think something through just to fall right back into at a later time, triggered by BPDex's actions or not.

I will continue posting and update my process and any contact made by BPDex!

Thank you all for reading and replying, these replies help tremendously.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Edenalterego,

I am very sorry to hear of what you are going through. That is so difficult. I can relate to trying to keep it together at work, when inside my heart was breaking. It's very, very tough. I'm glad you are posting here, because members really do understand.  

I just wanted to mention that you can reach out to crisis hotlines even for informational purposes. They have access to resources that you might not be aware of that can really help. Some states even have free counseling programs.  

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Fie]

Hello Edenalterego 

I too can relate. I went trough the same thing.
I know how terribly difficult and painful it is.

I think it's admirable how you still go to work and keep functioning. Well done 

Don't be discouraged if some days you have the feeling that you are doing less well then the day before. It can be two steps forward, and one backward. But forward you are going. Little babysteps. Don't force yourself. Don't expect yourself to be perfect and powerful. Give yourself time to heal. Go for walks after work, take a warm bath, use essential oils, ... .whatever works for you. You are the most important person in your life.