im broken and confused

[Lost-love-mind]

My ex BPD gave me a dose of "narcissistic accusation syndrome" and went totalll NC 2 mos.ago.
The pain of being told I was broken and then not allowed to plead my chances at recovery with her put me in a 2 month depression tail spinner.
I have been posting as a victim of a woman that exhibits BPD. But after doing research I m wondering if I may be BPD due to my stalking her post breakup.

Well, at first I was so devastated, I kept emailing her, when that was blocked I discovered Yahoo allows multiple new alternative addresses that get through a block. I went to extreme of leaving gifts on her front porch while she was at work justifying in my head that would change her mind.
Finally, I sent her texts while drunk by using apps that allow you to create fake phone numbers. Those texts were terrible accusations by me of her old gothic days  using drugs a nd participating in other debauchery in her 20's in an old underground music venue.  I virtual stalked her FB groups and pics that indicated she frequented the club on bondage nights. The club was raided in the 90's for open nudity on goth night.
She finally filed a PPO.

Short history, when my ex-wife finally told me last August she was with another man after I thought we're reminding our relationship, I started driving by her house. I stopped that with help from a religious recovery group. But then I started virtual stalking her BF on Facebook. I justified it by saying I was the protector of my children , since he would be spending time with them.
Now I fast forward thru 4 different women I met online over the past year.
The 4th was the suspected BPD that love bombed me with her looks and constant texting and on dates staring into my eyes with her beautiful blues. I was smitten.

Earlier this week, after a complete month of NC I sent her an apologetic email. She sent back (breaking her nc) a vile diatribe of insults based on my age (in 56 she is 45) and retardation in my siblings which I told her about.
My lawyer was pissed at me for violating her PPO but now had a defense since she responded in kind.
However, I continued virtual stalking her old instagram and MySpace accounts.
I've read that stalking is a symptom of BPD attributed mostly to men.
My dad died when I was 10. My mother was an emotional recluse for my teen years.
My early female relationships were a disaster. My marriage only lasted 18 years and was terminated due to my alcoholism.
Even after years of 5 different alcohol regabs and 10+ years of therapy (which I terminated 5-6 years ago), I'm still one messed up guy with multiple issues including conversational narcissism, brought to my attention by my BPD ex in an e-mail shortly before her nc.
Any ideasIn comments would be appreciated
After I sent my #4 apology email after a month of NC (the first month after the breakup I kept trying to get her attention which led to her getting a ppo) , this email she answered with multiple insults. I went nc after she contacted my attorney.

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