Torn between my BPD lover and my ex husband

[Duplicity]

I have been with my suspected BPD partner for one year. When I met him at my job, I had no intention of doing anything more than just talking to him casually. I was still reeling over my failed marriage of 18 years. I also didn't want to get involved with him because my ex husband left me saddled with so much debt, and I was working 12 hour days to keep my head above water. And to be honest, at the time, I still cared about my ex. Just cant throw away 17 years in overnight.

Long story short, me and the guy at my job fell for each other rather quickly. I still had baggage from my marriage and i did take some of my trust issues out on him. That being said, this man has trust issues. He accused me early in the relationship of posting pics on social media to draw attention to myself, even though it was a picture of me from the shoulders up.  I knew in that instant that I was dealing with a jealous man. He could also be physically and emotionally abusive at times. But most of the time, he was so loving, so attentive, so stable and intense. I felt like he's loved me more in a year than my ex husband did in 17.

I was recently sexually assaulted by a coworker at our job. This guy had pursued me before me and my partner got together. For reasons I won't state here, I feel like i brought that on myself. I still suffer immensely from that ordeal and I was afraid to tell anyone. I finally told my partner in confidence. He has used that sexual assault against me in arguments. Now I cannot trust myself to share intimate details of my life with him. I love him so much, but I can't share anything with him that I feel he could use against me later.

I will say that I suspect he's BPD because he builds me up and tears me down a lot. He's so loving most of the time, but when he's angry, he scares me. He criticizes me more than he says loving things. He also blurted out in an argument that he still talks to his ex. He later said that it's only for business, but I just don't believe that. This has caused me to distance myself emotionally even more. I have made my mistakes in the relationship as well. I told him i cheated with my ex husband sexually when I didnt. But he hurt me so bad back on mother's day, I've continued to allow him to think this, even though I know the truth.

When I try to leave, and when he makes contact, I get sucked back in. Hes like a drug to me. Hes addictive and the sex is very intense-- I love him but i know hes bad for me. But he still has more good qualities than bad. I cannot imagine living without him. I cannot imagine giving my body to another man. I even tried to give my number out to other men that approached me, when we were broken up last week. I could not being myself to do it. He's my first and my last thought of each day. How could someone who seems and feels so right, be so wrong? We argue a lot, make up, then argue some more. Up and down, back and forth. And he knows that I'm weak for him.

Since I've been sexually assaulted, Ive been afraid to live alone. Im afraid to be out after dark. Ive been considering leaving my partner and going back to my ex husband. Not because I love him, because I dont. But because I don't feel like i can trust my partner with my innermost feelings. If I can't trust him with my heart, what do we have? Im fragile, and I can't handle him tearing me down or his criticisms-- im too weak emotionally-----which is common among BPDs. And my ex husband was a comfort zone for me-- something my partner used to be for me, but is not anymore. I love him with all of my heart-- something that I will not be able to do with my ex husband. I just need a safe place to fall right now--desperately.  That's why I feel torn between my suspected BPD partner and my ex husband. I dont know what to do, I just dont want to be by myself right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[fitforaking]

Duplicity,

Let me start out by saying that nobody deserves to be assaulted by anyone. No matter what you said it did, that is not ok. And if this guy that you love said that you brought it on yourself, then you really need to rethink the relationship and why you are with him. Borderlines are mostly women, but there are some men out there as well. The sucking you back in, the tearing you down and building you up, the physical and emotional abuse, the other people they "talk" to... all sounds familiar when dealing with BPDs.

That being said, he is definitely an abuser, BPD or not. If he cannot encourage you in a positive way, but chooses to take something so painful and use it against you, please ask yourself if the love and attention he gives is worth the pain and rejection he causes. He will continue to build you up and tear you down, to keep you where he has you right now. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

It's ok to not want to be alone. I dont think you want your ex husband back, but he may feel safer than your current guy and safer than being alone after what has happened to you. You need time to heal from your marriage, as well as your current guy. Chances are, if he told you that he still talks to his ex, he's doing more than talking. Whatever you decide, I wish you nothing but good vibes. I will also send you a pm.

[Duplicity]

I appreciate your supportive words. I've been trying my best to secure other employment. I know what I have to do. Thanks for your understanding on this matter!

[takingandsending]

Hello, AllMyHeart, and welcome to bpdfamily.

The intensity of the idealization from a pwBPD at the beginning of a relationship is really intoxicating and hard to let go of, even long after that partner has reduced or even stopped the idealization all together.

You were in a particularly vulnerable state when you met him, long term relationship had ended, sexual assault. It's really natural that you were attracted to what your partner was offering. But, as you stated, he hasn't continued to build you up, and in fact, as you became closer, he has begun to criticize and tear you down. This push/pull cycle is really disorienting, leaves you with little ground to stand upon.

I am very concerned that you say your partner has been physically abusive and emotionally/verbally abusive. You say you need a safe place ... .I think that is your number one priority. It's hard to make any good decisions when our safety is threatened. Do you have family or friends in the area that you could stay with for a while or who could stay with you until you get your legs back under you? Are you seeing a therapist or do you have someone that you can confide in that can help you relieve a little bit of the burden of everything you are carrying right now?

Hoping that you can take a few small steps to make your situation safer. There are very good communication tools on the website here that help for interactions with your BPD partner. I recommend reading those and posting any questions you may have. More folks will come along to chime in.

[Meili]

I want to join takingandsending in welcoming you to the forum.

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us. We help and support each other here. It sounds like you have been through a lot lately. I hope that you can see the inner strength that you have. Just reaching out for support shows it.

Mostly we are all here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that are important.

In your initial post, you mention that there are patterns that you and your SO are following. It's good that you recognize them because that means that you can put a stop to them. Ending Conflict is a great first step. It only takes one person to change the relationship dynamics. That means that you have all the power needed to do so. Stepping away from or putting a stop to a discussion that is becoming an argument is something that you can do to change the situation.

Trust issues are hard to deal with. They take a lot of time to resolve. Don't be too hard on yourself if you cannot fix them quickly. There are a lot of tools, in addition to the one I linked above, that can help. Poke around the site, see what you can find, read the posts of others, and ask as many questions as you need. We are here to help and support you. Chances are that someone here has been through a similar experience.

Have you thought about how we can best support you?

I also suggest that you keep posting. Even if it seems like no one is hearing you. Writing is cathartic, it helps. I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but this thread has been viewed 57 times before I started to write this. People are hearing you even if they are unsure how to respond. We are here for you.

I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi AllMyHeart

First of all I just want to give you a   and tell you how sorry I am to hear what you have been going through. This is quite a lot to deal with in a short time period.

It is very important that you get care and treatment after what happened to you and I am going to advise you to do everything you can to put yourself first. Have you been to see a counselor or a therapist since the attack? I understand that being alone is scary, the first focus is to build you a support system that is there for you at all times and without judgment. Your partner can be loving and supportive at other times but right now in this situation he isnt and its making things worse for you. The best thing you can do is acknowledge you need support and seek it. Deal with the attack first and the relationship later. I think you will find that once you put your focus on yourself and your own healing you will also find more clarity in what direction to take regarding your relationship.

For reasons I won't state here, I feel like i brought that on myself. I still suffer immensely from that ordeal and I was afraid to tell anyone.

Its never your fault. No matter what you did you did not bring that on yourself. This is one reason why its so important to see a therapist, so you can refrain from blaming yourself. No one has the right to attack another person. Your attacker was the one who made that terrible choice.

I finally told my partner in confidence. He has used that sexual assault against me in arguments. Now I cannot trust myself to share intimate details of my life with him. I love him so much, but I can't share anything with him that I feel he could use against me later.

Thats perfectly understandable and Im so sorry to hear that you are getting the very opposite of the support you need at this difficult time. I suggest you take some time to heal and dont feel pressured to move past your hurt feelings or forgive before you are ready to.

I will say that I suspect he's BPD because he builds me up and tears me down a lot. He's so loving most of the time, but when he's angry, he scares me. He criticizes me more than he says loving things. He also blurted out in an argument that he still talks to his ex. He later said that it's only for business, but I just don't believe that. This has caused me to distance myself emotionally even more.

That sounds familiar to many of us here. When you are ready to learn about BPD and being in a relationship with someone with the disorder you will find the tools on the right menu helpful But - and sorry to be repetitive, under the circumstances I highly recommend you focus on yourself for now. The reason I say this is that its too easy for so many of us to push our own needs to the side and focus on the other person, especially when there are disorders or dysfunctions present. But that both postpones dealing with our own problems and makes us treat ourselves as secondary.

I have made my mistakes in the relationship as well.

We all have. Its constructive and healthy to examine them and see if there is a recurrent theme when the time is right.

Since I've been sexually assaulted, Ive been afraid to live alone. Im afraid to be out after dark.

Thats very understandable 

Do you have any close friends outside your current partner and ex husband that you can trust and share this with? What is your living situation? Is there anything you can do to feel safer at home or outside at night? I also live alone and my street is very dark, I sometimes feel unsafe. I can share with you things I do to feel safer if you think that will help.

I just need a safe place to fall right now--desperately.  That's why I feel torn between my suspected BPD partner and my ex husband. I dont know what to do, I just dont want to be by myself right now.

Thats very understandable. The problem is the decisions we make in crisis and out of desperate need often tend to turn into the opposite and create problem for us in the future. I would say its probably better you think about this first and try to find a third option that is more healing and even more safe. Do you think this is possible? How could we help with that?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Any time. Please reach out whenever you need anything and let us know the best way we can help you. Im really glad you are here, this is a large community of people with different but common experiences. We are listening.

[Duplicity]

Thank you all so much for welcoming me to the forum. Takingandsending, Melli, and onelittleladybug thank you so much! When you're going through the storm, you often feel like you're the only person in the world going through it and like nobody else understands.

I have a limited support system but I do have one. And I live on my own and pay my own bills. Even though I dont want to be alone, I do live alone and support myself and my children financially. I struggle with codependency more on an emotional level than anything else. I plan to see my personal therapist again very soon, in addition to being here for aupport and reaching out to my friends.

I finally told my aunt and one of my friends about the assault. They are very supportive and I'm grateful that i did open up to them about these things.

I see lots of topics here, along with other tools at my disposal here on the site. Thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I am so thankful for this forum and all of you!

[Meili]

I'm happy to hear that you have reached out to your friends and family, and really happy to hear that you are going to connect with your therapist again. Those are more signs of your inner strength. 

A lot of the members around here, myself included, report co-dependency issues. It seems to be common in relationships with people exhibit BPD traits. We learn to rely on the things that our pwBPD do that cause us to feel so good, important, special, and loved. When those things are taken away from us by our BPD partner, we tend to feel empty, unworthy, and lost. We lose our own identity apart from the relationship.

There is good news though, it can be changed. We can learn to be individuals and completely self-sufficient again. In fact, learning those things extremely important in making a relationship with a pwBPD work.

We have a lesson on Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence that may prove to be useful to you.

Is there anything in the lesson that stands out to you?

[Duplicity]

I can certainly relate to the walking on eggshells thing. I already feel like i cannot be open and honest with my partner about what I'm truly feeling. When a person cannot be themselves without fear of a negative reaction, that is a huge red flag. I also feel like I cannot be myself around my partner for fear of being  criticized or feeling as if im not good enough. The intolerance to being alone also rings familiar. My partner has always made sure he had someone on the backburner before leaving a current relationship. I now feel like this is what is happening to me since he threw his ex up in my face. Yes, a lot of things ring familiar. Thank you again for the support and coping strategies provided here on the site!

[Meili]

When a person cannot be themselves without fear of a negative reaction, that is a huge red flag.

There are two things that I know of that can help with that.

1. Learn all that you can about BPD. One of the things that you will find out is that a lot is going on beneath the surface. pwBPD project and lash out because of their inability to deal with their own, intense emotions. It's not really about you, it's about their maladaptive coping mechanism. When you completely understand and accept that it is not about you, it is easier to not take any of it personally. It doesn't hurt as much then.

2. Learning to Define and Maintain Boundaries goes a long way to prevent hurt. When we stop engaging in conversations that cause us pain, it reduces the ability to hurt us.

Does all of that make sense?