She literally plays by a script

[JaxDK]

After 3 months distance and observing her current life with the new replacement going on two and a half months. I now see a script come into play. Since we have a son together, I get a certain insights into her new relationship, with her involuntary slip-ups in conversations.

She literally plays by a script. I don't know why it makes me chuckle but maybe it's a sign of becoming more healthy.

I call it "I want a perfect family life" script.

Me: When I met her, we lived separately. I had my apartment which I was reluctant to give up. I guess the periodic drama and red flags plus me wanting a safety net, played a big role in me not giving it up. She would use excuses of not being able to give herself fully, causing drama because of insecurity. Shaming me for not going "all in" and a host of other excuses to get me to move in with her. After a year I finally relented. Gave up my place to go 'all in' which by the way I had been doing.

Replacement: Both own houses, his place being bigger and better, while hers is a near health hazard, which they have been working on improving. She just manipulated him into moving in with him. The sneaky way she did this was to antagonize her ex husband, which is a more than likely malignant narcissist (I know him and seen his behavior he fits the description), into threatening her. She did this by breaking an agreement regarding child support, that has been in place for 3 years. This way she had an excuse to move in with the replacement for "safety" even though she perfectly knows her ex is all bark and no bite. She did the same triangulation with me

Me: The triangulation. She used triangulation the first year of our relationship, starring her ex husband as the persecutor, her as the victim and me as the rescuer. I know now she covertly manipulated and pushed his buttons to get reactions, so she could assume a victim role.

Replacement: Her replacement and herself is now dealing with the same threats from her ex I dealt with the first year. Something that completely stopped and became a civil relationship between us. Now she's at it again.

I know what comes next. Boundaries will be manipulated into being broken. His hobbies and social life will be a threat that needs to be eliminated covertly under the guise of "reasonable expectations of being a family with 4 kids" and the work that follows. Her mood will change to being happy, into being a stressed mom, daily headaches and aches and moody behavior

Things i have to look out for, is being used to keep the replacement in line through jealousy or becoming the persecutor, once her ex husband becomes docile again. I'm the guy who got away, so I'm bound to play some role in this twisted tale.


Anybody else seen their own version of scripts being played out again and again?

[once removed]

i dont doubt youre identifying patterns in her behavior. some may be lifelong, some more recent. this was part of detaching for me, too. we get some outsider perspective. i remember reading old texts between my ex and i, and how redundant and even robotic some of her messages appeared at the time i reread them. "scripted", they seemed.

i would stipulate, however, that if she plays by a script, you would probably not have struggled in your relationship in particular ways like trying to shift roles, adapt, react; playing by a script probably doesnt match the confusion you felt at the time, and are feeling now. scripts are predictable. we intuit what works and stick with it.

it is probably fair to say that you are identifying 'go to's, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and penchants for drama, fears that drive her behaviors and actions, stuff so many of us carry from relationship to relationship that can be self sabotaging. it might be too early to say how this is, or is going to effect her current relationship.

Anybody else seen their own version of scripts being played out again and again?

yep. my own  . my narrative, post relationship, was the same as the ones before it. i was following my own script, so to speak. i know your question applies to our exes. in answer to that, no, what i learned about my exes new relationship was beyond my expectations or imagination. i had my predictions, none of them came to be.

I'm the guy who got away, so I'm bound to play some role in this twisted tale.

are you? is this her narrative, or yours, and who is doing the casting for these roles?

triangulation: a drama triangle does look like something of a script. we tend to learn the role we gravitate toward from our family of origin. in a drama triangle, each person plays their part, and each person has a particular pay off. we tend to see it as a situation someone puts upon us, which, if we want to move toward the center of the triangle, is the opposite of how we want to see it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Skip]

it is probably fair to say that you are identifying 'go to's, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and penchants for drama, fears that drive her behaviors and actions, stuff so many of us carry from relationship to relationship that can be self sabotaging.

I think is a more accurate way to characterize what your are seeing. The Drama Triangle, in particular, has roles typically occupied by people with proclivities for the roles - including us when we are involved.

My take from this is that she wants/needs a very significant commitment from her partners to feel safe. It may be part of her fear of abandonment. She made this value clear to you. And she is showing you that this value was very real for her.

For most she will be moving to fast and too soon. It didn't work for you. It wouldn't work for me. It obviously works for this guy.    A hard thing for us to accept in these breakups, is that there may be a better fit partner out there. Still, this is a disorder of unstable relationships and it only makes sense that all relationships will have a degree of serous instability.

Have you carried your good and bad habits from old relationships forward? Will you carry good and bad habits from this last relationships forward? I think most of us do. One thing we can do in recovery is to start understanding which of our natural inclinations have not served us well, and be very mindful to abandon them.

You can see that she has not in several way that you mention.

If an independent person looked it, what "script" do you pay out in relationships?

[JaxDK]

I don't think how our relationship played out was according to a script, but I am convinced I was an object to fill a need/image/identity. Her fixed identity being Mom, dad, kids, pets and telling everybody how wonderful life and her relationship is. Regardless if true or not. She would idealize me to everybody but rarely to me. She would idealize her life as well. Regardless of the amount of drama and discontent went on behind closed doors. I knew her as a friend when she was married. She put up a good act of being happy then too, even though she was absolutely miserable at home suffering emotional and physical abuse. The image to the outside world was important to maintain. Granted not much of this is a BPD issue except for the identity part. Recreating the same identity over and over is a script

My ex said something to me when I broke it off that stuck with me. "You are uprooting my foundation of existence" I don't have to guess what that meant. I was leaving the family she wanted to live with me and what her identity was dependent on. Cue two months later, she has moved in with the replacement and her foundation of existence is restored, not just her identity but the same family dynamics. It's like a copy paste. She's rushing her new relationship to "family status" right where I left off. It's the same pattern that happened with her ex husband to me. I rushed into it with the same pattern. It's very clear to me, the importance for her to re-create 'the perfect family' she never had.

It sounds like I have a problem or is hurt by this, when In truth I'm not. I'm just amazed by it. I didn't follow her against my will, same with her replacement. Her relationship is no longer of my concern nor should it be. I just see a completely different person now.

I've seen her push the triangulation many times with her ex. enabling her to use me as a rescuer. I've heard her suggestions of 'punishing him' by pushing his buttons for sleights he committed and I've experienced her doing it. A severely dysregulated and predictable guy. When pushed he will use threats of physically harming her. Yet that never stopped her, when she had her rescuer. Discussing with me how she could 'punish him' for for things days after the fact suggests to me some premeditation.

As for myself. I've never been cast as the rescuer in any previous relationships. They have always been between to equals. Yet this role I was cast in, I fell in love in. Never have I felt so needed in a relationship. I'm scared It might affect my future dating prospects looking for a damsel in distress. Turning down healthier choices.

[Skip]

Is the root of this belief that she loved creating a family unit more than she loved you as a person?

[JaxDK]

Is the root of this belief that she loved creating a family unit more than she loved you as a person?

I don't think she ever loved me as a person. I think she was in love with being in love, and it being contingent on what I could do and give her. Our relationship was very one sided that way. One of our early fights was about this very issue. I gave her a really long list of things I did and was for her and how little appreciation and reciprocation i received. She would defend with, me not seeing how she loves. Like turning on the porch light before I get home was her showing love, or buying random cheap things on Ebay from china for me. She never really took an interest in me as a person. My needs was problematic. It interfered with our daily life and I was poor at standing my ground.

So yes, looking back that's how it was to me. I didn't see it because she wanted my physical affection and my love. Just never giving it back or doing the bare minimum.

[once removed]

She would defend with, me not seeing how she loves. Like turning on the porch light before I get home was her showing love, or buying random cheap things on Ebay from china for me.

ever heard of Love Languages? theyre about how we and others show and perceive love.

Chapman suggests that to discover another person's love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, and analyze what they complain about most often and what they request from their significant other most often. He theorizes that people tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, and better communication between couples can be accomplished when one can demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient understands.

An example would be if a husband's love language is acts of service, he may be confused when he does the laundry for his wife and she doesn't perceive that as an act of love, viewing it as simply performing household duties, because the love language she comprehends is words of affirmation (verbal affirmation that he loves her). She may try to use what she values, words of affirmation, to express her love to him, which he would not value as much as she does. If she understands his love language and mows the lawn for him, he perceives it in his love language as an act of expressing her love for him; likewise, if he tells her he loves her, she values that as an act of love.

my mother will tell you that when shes going through an emotional crisis, my dad struggles to show support in the way she needs. she will tell you that the way he shows love and support is by cooking her food.

this is a source of conflict and resentment for lots of couples.

do you think you and she were on the same page toward the beginning of your relationship? ever?