Being a victim

[Parents! Get help here!]

 

In the cold light of day, there's little hope for sufferers while they remain victims.

This is true for us as parents... It's also true for our kids.

Ive spent 20 months here working on myself. This followed a 4 year period of learning that I'd placed myself as a victim. I'm very conscious of myself now, I try hard to stay away from that mode as best I can. The way I do that is by focussing on my own life, spending time doing things I enjoy, nurturing my relationships. I'm tired and should work on my skills but don't. I'm giving myself a break.

20 months ago I set myself three goals to
1. Better relationship with DS
2. Financial management skills (not give him money)
3. Live independently (at least a stab at being successful)

I changed my approach and let go of his addiction issues. I accepted his decision to not seek treatment. Like an open wound, I recently went back there again to try and control him. It was unsuccessful. It soured our relationship and caused an almighty row. My DS got confused about the relationship by my change in focus, also his 5 treatment appointments were too little to be of benefit. We went backwards.

My DS went into victim mode. He's a quiet one and recently opened up and vented how terrible we've treated him. It went deep, small things, big things, correct memories, incorrect memories. We "xxcked him up".

The three of us sat, he vented, we listened.

If he is saying "everything's your fault, poor me, look at why I am the way I am" it's easy to slip into JADE. I couldn't validate him because it felt ridiculous, his accusations so skewed, his memories... .He didn't want me to validate him because he said he wouldn't believe me anyway. I tried to reason and explain and this failed. Saying"I did my best in the circumstances" was weak, sounded like an excuse. He said "I was a little kid, you should have protected me."

Deflated, grasping, feeling I had to say the final word, and I subconsciously xentred him "in this last 20 months we've been there for you, we didn't give up on you".  This was the only thing that we could agree on and it was true.

How do you deal with your child in victim mode? 

How do you deal with you being in victim mode?

I'm hoping that this is just a maturity thing and that once he's living independently his attitude and behaviour will change. Reading the stories here that may not happen! Big sigh!

LP

Ps. Since this, my DS is in motivation mode to leave and doing extremely well.

[Lollypop]

 

In the cold light of day, there's little hope for sufferers while they remain victims.

This is true for us as parents... It's also true for our kids.

Ive spent 20 months here working on myself. This followed a 4 year period of learning that I'd placed myself as a victim. I'm very conscious of myself now, I try hard to stay away from that mode as best I can. The way I do that is by focussing on my own life, spending time doing things I enjoy, nurturing my relationships. I'm tired and should work on my skills but don't. I'm giving myself a break.

20 months ago I set myself three goals to
1. Better relationship with DS
2. Financial management skills (not give him money)
3. Live independently (at least a stab at being successful)

I changed my approach and let go of his addiction issues. I accepted his decision to not seek treatment. Like an open wound, I recently went back there again to try and control him. It was unsuccessful. It soured our relationship and caused an almighty row. My DS got confused about the relationship by my change in focus, also his 5 treatment appointments were too little to be of benefit. We went backwards.

My DS went into victim mode. He's a quiet one and recently opened up and vented how terrible we've treated him. It went deep, small things, big things, correct memories, incorrect memories. We "xxcked him up".

The three of us sat, he vented, we listened.

If he is saying "everything's your fault, poor me, look at why I am the way I am" it's easy to slip into JADE. I couldn't validate him because it felt ridiculous, his accusations so skewed, his memories... .He didn't want me to validate him because he said he wouldn't believe me anyway. I tried to reason and explain and this failed. Saying"I did my best in the circumstances" was weak, sounded like an excuse. He said "I was a little kid, you should have protected me."

Deflated, grasping, feeling I had to say the final word, and I subconsciously xentred him "in this last 20 months we've been there for you, we didn't give up on you".  This was the only thing that we could agree on and it was true.

How do you deal with your child in victim mode? 

How do you deal with you being in victim mode?

I'm hoping that this is just a maturity thing and that once he's living independently his attitude and behaviour will change. Reading the stories here that may not happen! Big sigh!

LP

Ps. Since this, my DS is in motivation mode to leave and doing extremely well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

LP

Great post, you always make me think and reflect in a good way, I thank you for that  

I'll go first
Answering your Q’s, I’ve never considered myself a victim of my circumstances. I’ve not seen that in my DD, we’ve never spoken of this, I’ll ask her when I speak with her next how she feels.

That said I do relate to feeling vulnerable when my DD hit crisis 2 years ago, many times from time to time since.

We can step out of the Drama Triangle to the Winning Triangle.

Here.   The Caring/Winning Triangle

I'm a big fixer, stepping back, moving on, doing my best.

WDx

[heartandwhole]

Great topic, LP  

I struggle with the victim mentality in others—it makes me feel angry, usually—and then I shock myself sometimes when I notice that I can get in there with the best of them myself.

For me, when I see someone behaving in what I deem to be a helpless fashion, I react by getting riled up (and probably unintentionally shaming them) into "getting a grip." Ugh. I realize that I'm the one who can't stand to feel helpless, or be a victim. I'm the one who is afraid of feeling powerless and therefore reacts so energetically when I see it in others.

I don't know if you can relate, but is it possible that there is something in your son that is mirroring things that are hard for you to accept in you, too?

Deflated, grasping, feeling I had to say the final word, and I subconsciously xentred him "in this last 20 months we've been there for you, we didn't give up on you".  This was the only thing that we could agree on and it was true.

Ps. Since this, my DS is in motivation mode to leave and doing extremely well.

This is so powerful, LP. It shows how we always and only can start where we are. The past can't be changed, but we have this moment of listening to our sons and daughters. This moment of being present as we struggle to connect and understand each other. That is all any of us have, right? So, this is something to be celebrated. You broke through and reached each other!

Now when we can find a way to make that less effortful and painful, we'll pop some champagne.  

heartandwhole  

[Lollypop]

Hi

I don't know if you can relate, but is it possible that there is something in your son that is mirroring things that are hard for you to accept in you, too?

I definitely hate feeling powerless and because of it I found it incredibly hard to stop fixing, accept I couldn't change him and pass on the responsibility of him to him. Then it required the patience to sit back and not comment.

My DS has always found my energy overwhelming.

can you confirm if I've understood you correctly?

I felt powerless in the conversation as he was blaming me and I couldn't do or say anything to help fix it, powerless as the past can't be changed.  As I struggled with my powerlessness, he mirrored my helplessness and felt helpless himself (including frustration) because nothing was his fault?

Is mirroring maybe like collective grief - you're sad, I'm sad too? Involuntary empathy?

Thanks

LP

Or did I mirror his helplessness?

[heartandwhole]

Hi LP,

I probably should have used another term instead of "mirroring," because when we talk about BPD behaviors, it can be confusing. Sorry about that.  

What I was getting at is that in my experience, when I feel strongly about another's behavior (usually negative emotions like anger, hurt, etc), then I've found that it's not just the other person's behavior that is evoking those feelings. It's also my own feelings/behaviors (now or in the past) that I may not have accepted, acknowledged, or even allowed myself to feel.

So, if his victim mentality is bothering you, there may be something that you have, or are, resisting in yourself. Just wondered if you thought that might be true on some level. It may not be! It has just been revelatory in my own struggles with issues like this.

Feeling powerless as your DS is telling you his pain is your fault, and knowing that there is no changing what happened in the past, is so, so understandable. I think anyone would feel that way. When you are in the throes of that feeling, if you are allergic to the victim mentality (like I am), it doesn't feel good at all, and I may try to fix it-change it-control it. But as you know, that doesn't always work, and it can trigger more difficult feelings when it doesn't.  

So yes, perhaps that feeling of powerlessness is a connection you have with your son. Maybe he has felt that way, too, at times in his life. That means you both know what powerlessness feels like. That feeling isn't anyone's fault. It just is. And by acknowledging it without judgment—whenever that is possible, and I know how hard it is—it can lessen in intensity. For both of you.  

Hope that is clearer?

heartandwhole

  

[Lollypop]

Yes, thanks heart

[Lollypop]

Just reflecting.

I can get quite irritated at times but am better at hiding it that I used to be. However there are times I just can't. I think instead of hiding it I could try accept the behaviour I find irritating, and then show empathy rather than anger. After all, as heart says,I hate feeling powerless too.

The other thing that I find irritating is my sisters problems. Of course she doesn't see them! She strives so hard for everything, and I mean everything, to be perfect. So her expectations are always so high, gatherings are strained as she's simply tried so hard and nobody can relax because of it. The atmosphere is "as long as she feels she's having a good time, can't have her being upset because she'll never ever forgive." Ring any bells?  I used to be like this but changed, forced to change, because my life wasn't clearly perfect as I had a son that I couldn't control. I'm a better person now but can try harder.

Thanks. A sleep to digest what's been said has been really useful

LP

[wendydarling]

Great reflections LP 

I can get quite irritated at times but am better at hiding it that I used to be. However there are times I just can't. I think instead of hiding it I could try accept the behaviour I find irritating, and then show empathy rather than anger. After all, as heart says,I hate feeling powerless too.

You've been working in the winning triangle for all this time, a step out of at this time seems to me have helped you both move forwards? Does that make any sense to you?

The other thing that I find irritating is my sisters problems. Of course she doesn't see them! She strives so hard for everything, and I mean everything, to be perfect. So her expectations are always so high, gatherings are strained as she's simply tried so hard and nobody can relax because of it. The atmosphere is "as long as she feels she's having a good time, can't have her being upset because she'll never ever forgive." Ring any bells?  I used to be like this but changed, forced to change, because my life wasn't clearly perfect as I had a son that I couldn't control. I'm a better person now but can try harder.

It's hard when we can't connect, does your sister ever reach out to you?

WDx

[heartandwhole]

I agree with wendydarling—great reflections, LP.  

Just reflecting.

I can get quite irritated at times but am better at hiding it that I used to be. However there are times I just can't. I think instead of hiding it I could try accept the behaviour I find irritating, and then show empathy rather than anger. After all, as heart says,I hate feeling powerless too.

Yes. I think by practicing acceptance of our own feelings and thoughts, it not only changes us, but it helps others to do the same (modeling), if they choose. I've seen in it my own life. Somehow it's contagious. More empathy from LP toward LP   more empathy from LP toward others   more empathy from others toward LP.  At least that has been my experience.

So, in that vein, I encourage you to first try accepting your own feelings of irritation when you encounter the behavior that triggers them. You are allowed to feel anything and everything. How we welcome those feelings, or try to push them away, or act on them, is where our power lies. As we struggle and hopefully accept our uncomfortable feelings and let them pass, others notice and may even begin to reflect our progress back to us.  

heartandwhole