Suddenly taking care of 86 yr old BPD Mother

[LoMai]

Hi All -
I am glad I stumbled upon this website/forum. I have few people I can talk to about what is going on. My boyfriend is understanding when I need to vent, but BPD behavior is all new to him so he doesn't know how to respond much of the time.

A little background.
I am 48. I was raised by what I now understand as a BPD mother and an cold, emotionally abusive, narcissistic father. 
After a difficult childhood, my folks divorced when I was 15. I escaped living with them at 16, after a violent physical attack by my mom. My dad did have me arrested as a runaway and attempted to have me sent to a girls reform school, but after a 2 month in-patient psych evaluation, the doctors determined my folks were the problem and recommended emancipation (which I was granted). Of note - both my parents have PhD's in Psychology and worked at a University - I find great irony in this, even now.

My relationship with my mom has always been rocky, even as I was her "favored" child. I have a brother that is a year older. He was adopted and had some serious health problems. Mom was always really horrible to him. From as early as I can remember, I thought it was my job to take care of him as well as protect him from my moms rage. I really did not like her much when I was young. She manipulated every situation. She constantly complained.  At home, when no one was around to see it, she would fly into intense shouting rages. My brother was the main receiver because I learned to go hide out in my room, the basement where she would not go, or far out into the hills behind the house.

My dad refused to acknowledge anything was amiss in what he perceived as his perfectly controlled world. And, where my brother got Moms abuse - I got his. This was in the form of constant criticism, giving me the silent treatment when I cut my hair, wore clothes he did not like, or my worst experience - wanting to play drums in band. I won't go into a great detail but this resulted in him being complicit in a plan to publicly humiliate me during a band concert when I was 12, in order to prove that women should not play percussion. Sadly, it worked, but I also learned what a heartless and abusive man he was and refused to cater to him any longer.

So - as you can see - we had no protection since both parents were abusive and have personality disorders that do not allow them to see how messed up they were/are. To make things even more challenging, the brother I protected when we were young, became a co-abuser. He so wanted moms acceptance that he has modeled his behavior after her. He is such an emotionally disaster now and displays BPD type behaviors of his own. He is a lifelong cocaine/crack addict, and even though he has a degree in accounting that gets him good jobs - he can never keep them longer than a year. I have seen him maybe 15 times over past 25 years. But he's another story.

So why I am here:
I really tried to keep an arms length from my mom over the past 30 years. I supported myself, graduated from college, and have a good career, but, as many kids of BPD parents know, it is easy to get dragged back into their lives.

This is  certainty true when they go through a rough patch with their spouses/partners/friends/etc. and they need someone to complain to. Ugh... .as I write this, I feel a bit ill at how she knew exactly how to pull me into her drama-world by manipulating my weaknesses or needs. I always knew I should steer clear, but there is that little part inside that whispers "maybe this time will be better"... .because, it is mom... .and despite the horribleness, we still want our parents acceptance. I paid dearly for giving in and every time I'd say no more.

Now here we are. Mom showed up at my work last November, saying she needed my help. She has had a female companion (K) for 28 years. I say companion, not partner, mainly because it was not a physical relationship and (K) had girlfriends. (K) is 20+ years younger, had no job when they met, no place to live, and moved into my moms house where she has lived up until just a few days ago. People warned us that she was looking for someone to support her and everything about her behavior has shown that. Back in 1995 mom put (K) on the title of her two houses and took loans out against them to buy rental properties. They now own 6 properties and the only times my mom contacted me over the past 25 years is when she was having problems with (K) over how the properties/finances were handled.
 
When mom called me last fall, I was wary and said I would look for an attorney to help her - in hopes to keep myself out of it. But no, my arms length was not good enough for her and Ireceived a 5am call from her saying she was having a heart-attack. Of course she was not and all test said she was super healthy for her age. She returned home, but she had been trying to keep her visits with the attorney from (K) until after Christmas. (K) became suspicious and they got into an argument. Two days later I received another 5am phone call of another medical emergency. This time, while in the ER, she tells the nurses that it is not safe for her at home - saying that (K) pushed her down, so they advised her to not return and BOOM - that's the story of how I am now responsible for the care and feeding of my BPD mom.

Ok... .that wasn't the final but it ended the paragraph nicely. Essentially where I am now is, I know better than to get completely sucked in, but she has absolutely no one else that can help her. I helped purchase a trailer down the street from me so I can help, but not have her live in my home. I hired a person to come 2-3x week to clean, take her shopping, and do some cooking for her, so I am not her slave. However, I do have to help a great deal with her medical needs. She is a lifelong hypochondriac who, despite being told over and over by every doctor imaginable that she is completely healthy - she thinks she is dying.

She constantly switches doctors because she quickly hates them when they don't do as she wants. She often decides to take her medications whenever she pleases instead of as directed, which has caused all sorts of problems the past few weeks. And, I am starting to believe that she is consciously or unconsciously starving herself to "prove" that she is really sick. She has lost 44 lbs over past 6 months, insisting she has a stomach problem, yet she has been to 5 doctors saying she is fine. T, of course, makes her angry. Because she does not eat, she is often faint/weak and is losing muscle tone. She points to these things as evidence of some horrible illness that "the stupid doctors can't figure out". But I have been tracking her food intake and she is eating like 300-900 calories a day. She says that she eats all the time, but I am seeing it is just not the case. Needless to say, we battle over this weekly.

Along with all this, is the never-ending legal case between mom and (K). (K) says that mom gifted her half of everything and although no longer poised to receive 100% of moms estate as was the case 9 mo. ago (mom signed a Will 4 years ago giving K everything), she is fighting for 50% of the properties. I have invested at least 100 hours trying to make sense of their shoddy record keeping. I have worked closely with two attorneys trying to negotiate a settlement. Mom fired her first attorney because she first thought she was great then the moment she did not get 100% of her demands, she hated and fired her. She is now hating the second attorney as well but I am strongly encouraging her to not fire him too.

Right now I feel a bit like I am losing my mind. I try to explain moms mental health issue but most people don't know about or understand BPD. I actually snapped at her newest general doctor yesterday when she asked if I would be able to go to my moms place 3x a day to "administer her meds" because the doc is concerned that she is "forgetting" to take them. I think a said "No!" a little too fast and intensely and the doc gave me a strange... .perhaps accusing look. I mean to call her and explain the situation when mom is not around to overhear, but I am writing this today instead of dealing with that.

Essentially I feel overwhelmed. I have a great deal of emotionally turmoil about her and her past behavior. I don't think I have any feelings of love for her, but I feel a sense of obligation.  At some point there will be a settlement on the properties and money to make some decisions about her care. She refuses to live in a retirement community and says she will never go to a nursing home. I am looking at selling one of the rentals to purchase a open-floor one level house for her and make sure she has people she pays to come assist her with things. Unfortunately, I do need to take her car away - I saw her drive the other day and was shocked at how dangerous her driving is - for others and herself! I feel that this will be another ugly battle, especially since we do not have any public transportation in our town.

Sorry - I keep trying to wind this up and there is always more to say. Stopping now - sure appreciate response but just being able to type this is helpful. 







 

[Living Life]

Oh my, I can feel your frustration and pain. Unfortunately, in my case, the situation didn't end until my uBPD mother finally died at 97+. The last few years she was quite visually impaired, but still  managed to remain in her own home. She said she would be expelled from any assisted living facility; and she was absolutely correct. Her behavior can be quite disruptive and outrageous, with loud rants, screaming, and drama directed against those trying to assist her. Although she needed far more in home help, she wouldn't accept more than a housekeeper once every 2 weeks, and a 'driver' who ended up looking in on her each day and helping with her medications and basic needs. My brother, privately arranged the pay for the extra hours the 'driver/caretaker' provided. Yes, her medication got all mixed up and wasn't taken correctly. Yes, it could kill her, but she refused to do anything differently. Likewise, the refrigerator could be a lab experiment and make her seriously ill. The housekeeper was supposed to be cleaning it out when she came, but that apparently did not always happen. She would become angry when I would remove liquid lettuce that she insisted had been bought only 2 days ago.

My niece who lived reasonably close (I live in another state, so have the beauty of a physical boundary) was the one who checked on her and responded to crises; she felt horrible about the situation, but I explained, that it just wasn't her problem. Mom, in spite of other possible alternatives, is choosing this path. If she gets sick and dies from these issues, then that is her choice. We have all offered to arrange for additional help, but she insists on doing it her way.

It is very difficult to see your mom, even with the very difficult and contentious relationship, live in that manner. But all we can do is offer additional paid help. The family can't be the live in care takers.  You are on the right path. My only advice is to own the phrase: "It's not my problem." You do what you can, but it is her ultimate decision on how she will live out her remaining years. I wish you good luck and strength as you move forward.

[Turkish]

Hi LoMai,

What a story. We've had other members on the boards relate how their person with BPD (pwBPD) were Psych professionals. My mother is an RN, so had some psych training, and arm chair diagnosed others with BPD.

The driving sounds scary. My mother was reported to the DMV by people in the community.  I knew of this,  otherwise I would have done so myself. It's anonymous.  Just a thought.

The legal stuff sounds complicated. I divorced myself from this,  even at the risk of letting two properties be confiscated by the county. Ten years ago, I had driven out a gypsy-like family, headed by a "daughter" my mom always wished she had.  I won't do it anymore.

What I did do for my mother,  unbeknownst to her,  was to get an adult protective services suicidal worker involved.  That left the burden from me to deal with an unwinnable situation.  Yes,  I still feel some guilt,  but in the hands of professionals, things were better dealt with so much more than I could do. 

Is there an APS where you are? I'm not suggesting to pull any triggers,  so to speak, but they may be able to guide or refer you.  They might even have an anonymous hotline to call as a fist step.