My crazy LONG story and how I got to this point. How do you push forward?

[Graceinaction]

I didn't post this in conflicted, because even though I think I'm getting there, I'm trying to hang in. This is the closest my husband has come to getting treatment, and it seems stupid to walk away now. Though I may have to in order to save the rest of us if he continues getting worse despite treatment.

How do you find the strength to keep trying in a marriage that has been so rocky? I want to keep trying, but I feel like I'm at the end of how much I can take. That's saying a lot.

I'll give you the rundown, but it's not a pity party, just so you understand my story.
It is long. It's VERY long!

I've been married to my husband for 10 years. In the beginning I was pretty cautious. I had been married at 19 years old for 2 short years, and during that time I had twin sons. After my divorce I was poor. Very, very poor! I was determined to give my kids the very best life I could, so I put myself through college and became a respiratory therapist. I went to school full time, worked 12 hour night shifts on weekends and anytime I was able throughout the week, and lived very frugally! But I made it through. During that time my twins were both diagnosed with autism.

I was a single mom for 6 years. I dated some, but I was careful. I kind of wanted to find someone and possibly remarry, but with autistic twins I knew to be extra cautious.
My husband and I had gone to high school together but never dated. We reconnected and things went kind of fast, which wasn't typical for me. But I had known him for 15+ years and our families had known each other since before we were born. We had everything in common and everything just fell into place. So a year after we started dating we were married. He had served in Iraq and saw lots of combat, and I suspected he had PTSD, but I didn't see severe signs at that point.

The day we got back from our honeymoon I was served with custody papers from my ex husband. For some reason that set something off in my husband. He's talked about that day ever since. As I was reading the court paperwork I got upset and he tried to hold me, but I put my hand up and asked for him to wait because I was still reading. It seemed like a very innocent situation to me, but he saw it as me blaming him for the custody suit. I certainly didn't mean for it to come across that way!

Anyway, the custody suit turned out fine. But right away my husband wanted a baby. We had talked about it in depth before we got married, and I wanted to wait 3 years. I wanted some time, I was still young, and I really wanted to go to graduate school before having more kids. He begged and begged and begged. To me it seemed cute, after all, he wanted a baby so badly! So seven months after we got married I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't wait to tell him. I thought he would be over the moon! That night when he got home from work I told him. He didn't smile, he just said "great," in a sarcastic tone, laid down, and went to bed. I had no idea what to think. It hurt.

He spent the next 8 months moving out of our home over and over, these big dramatic episodes where I had no idea what was happening. The majority of the time there wasn't even an argument. He started refusing to come to doctors appointments, birth classes, and by the time I was 7 months pregnant he said he wouldn't come to the birth. I was SO confused. I literally had no clue what was happening. There was lots of drama throughout all of this. He ended up coming to our son's birth, but acted really strangely.

Three months later he told me that the reason he acted like that was because he was convinced the baby wasn't his. Believe me, he had no reason to think that!

Fast forward a few years, still moving out of our home at least once a month (usually to live in his car.) We did marriage counseling, it only seemed to make things worse. The worst part was, friends and family would ask what the problem was and I never knew what to say. We get along about everything. We agree on 95% of everything. We rarely have a fight over anything other than his weird behavior.

So suddenly he seemed better. For a solid 6 months he didn't move out. He didn't rage or have outbursts or break anything. And then he approached me and wanted another baby. Again he begged, and after what had happened the first time I was scared. But he had been doing better, right? So again, I gave in. And he did it again.

Only this time I went into preterm labor at 26 weeks, had to be hospitalized, and was on strict bed rest. With autistic 9 year olds and a toddler. It was one of the hardest periods of my life. I was scared for our daughter, I kept going into labor, and I had to stay as still as I could. And he continued to move out. He refused to help with the kids, or dinner, or housework, or anything. I made it to 36 weeks and had a healthy baby girl.

And that's when the sex stopped. While on bedrest I wasn't allowed to have sex, but once she was born and I could again, he refused. When she was almost 9 months old I had been to an appointment. His vasectomy was scheduled for 2 weeks later, and he met me at the door, and let's just say he was the most passionate I'd ever seen him. Ever. We had only had sex a few times since our daughter was born and he caught me off guard, and we didn't use protection. So 9 months after our daughter was born I was pregnant again.

To this day I believe he did it on purpose. I love my surprise baby boy, I wouldn't trade him for the world. But my husband knew I was ovulating, he knew he was having a vasectomy in 2 weeks, and he has never in our marriage acted like he did that day. And when I've talked to him about it he denies it, but not strongly. And he gets this strange glimmer in his eye.

When I found out I was pregnant that last time I sobbed. My daughter was only 9 months old, and I'd been through hell. But my husband was so happy. I'd never seen him so happy. During that pregnancy he was a little better. Not all the way better, but it wasn't as bad as the other two.

Fast forward a few years, during that time his behavior never changed much. He went back to moving out regularly. He was angry all the time but 99% of the time I had no idea what about.

And then in early 2016 we bought a farm. It had been his lifelong dream. I was pretty happy about it too, and I hoped it would give him more time outside and I knew it would be good for the kids. But about 4 months after we bought our farm he became manic for the first time that I actually recognized it. He spent all of our savings. He planted 900 pea plants in our basement. He was so erratic, and not sleeping, and not making any sense. And suddenly I GOT IT! But keep in mind, during those crazy first 8 years, I had begged him to see a psychiatrist. I had begged him to go to counseling. The most I ever convinced him to do was go to his GP where was was first diagnosed with PTSD and put on an antidepressant. I had read about BPD and thought I knew quite a bit. I'd suspected he had it. But when he spent 3 months in a euphoric mania, I thought we had an answer. I was wrong.

By June of 2016 he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BP1. The meds made a pretty big difference. At that time I was glad I'd hung in for so long, because it felt like things were finally headed in the right direction. After a few months he started talking about his symptoms more. Things he'd been experiencing for years and hiding. Psychosis. Paranoid delusions. Voices. The higher his dose of antipsychotic went, the more he realized the symptoms he'd been having because they were disappearing, and the more honest he got about them.

However, he was still having issues. His psychiatrist had him start counseling. He was lying to her, a lot. He was refusing to discuss actual issues. His moods were leveling some, but it seemed to highlight other issues. Control was the biggest.

Last September, 2016, I became very concerned. My husband was a police officer. He was really good at his job and had done it for 18 years. But once the psychotic episodes came out I was very concerned for obvious reasons. And in September I started seeing signs again. I tried everything. He couldn't be convinced to talk to his Captain, or ask for time off, or anything. One day he left for work and he was so cognitively impaired and confused that I did something I never imagined I'd do. I called his captain and told him. I told him my husband's diagnosis, and I told him I didn't think it was safe for my husband to be in charge of other officers and walking around with a gun. I think the Captain didn't believe me. Now I understand why, but I'll get to that.

Less than a month later was my husband's first hospitalization. Two and a half weeks. He was then declared unfit to be a police officer and has been on disability since. It was a huge hit. Financially it cut our income by 2/3's. But even worse, he has nothing to do. We have this farm, and he refuses to do anything. He says he's scared he'll mess it up. So me and the kids take care of it all. And I work. And I do it all. My husband helps tuck the kids in bed at night. He does a load of laundry every once in a while. But he mostly sits and stares.

He's had 3 more hospitalizations in the past year, 4 total in 11 months. During his last hospitalization (13 days,) the doctor told him to read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me." And then he was diagnosed.

That's why no matter how level we get his moods as far as BP cycling goes, he's still a wreck. He's on a crazy amount of antipsychotics and they help a lot. But they don't knock him out at all. Every doctor is shocked at the doses he needs.

He was released from his last hospitalization last week, and now he's doing Partial Hospitalization. And I swear he's getting drastically worse. He admits he has BPD, he says he wants to get better, but I swear this is hell.

I've stood by him, I've supported him, I've learned new communication skills, I've read everything I can, and he just won't even try.

I have put lots of pieces together, mostly for my own understanding. His FOO was very dysfunctional. He had significant childhood neglect, both physical and emotional. His dad is a severe alcoholic. I'm pretty sure his mom has BPD, and possibly his dad, but being an alcoholic makes it very hard to tell. Then add in the war, and his hair trigger fight-or-flight, and BP1... .yeah, like the doctors all say, he's a complex case.

He has crazy control issues. I've never seen anything like it. He's to the point he's withholding everything. Sex, affection, he won't watch a movie with me, give me a present, accept a present. Every single action and interaction is framed as a power struggle in his mind. I've truly never heard or read about anyone this extreme.

He knows I love getting presents. It's my "love language ," but not expensive presents. I'm a simple country girl. He has now resorted to buying me things he knows I'll hate on purpose. Flowers he knows I hate. Jewelry he knows I'll hate. I swear it's about power. Everything seems to be about power. And I'm not cut out for that. I can hold my own, but it exhausting. I'm laid back and calm and simple. I hate drama.

Over the past 6 months he's admitted all sorts of things to me. The reason his Captain didn't believe me when I called that night is because my husband has spent almost our entire marriage making up lies about me at his work. The other officers think I spend my nights at the bar and sometimes don't come home. I haven't even been inside of a bar in at least 12 years. I don't drink. He's told them he wasn't sure if our kids were his. He's told them I beat him up. He's told them I'm crazy. Now I know why the other LEO wives always excluded me!

Then 3 months ago he told me he was stalking women while he was working. Over 5 years there were 4 women. Who knows if it's even true? The last one wasn't old enough to drink!

He also told me that he only married me to try to get "the love of his life" jealous so she'd want to be with him. He said he would have left me at anytime if she wanted to be with him. He said that if she would've come to him the day of our wedding and told him not to marry me, he would've not married me. This whole story went on for 2 1/2 months, then last week he told me it was all a lie made up to hurt me.

I know he will never get back to the man I married. I can accept that. But was any of that even real? For some reason that's important to me. If it was real, and there's a chance he could get back to 25% of that... .

But who is he? He doesn't know. He is so much worse the past 2 years. He either acts like a toddler or a defiant teenager. He seems to have replaced his mom with me. I don't play that game, and it infuriates him. I'm the complete opposite of his mom, and I think he would have been better off marrying someone like her. It seems he's trying his hardest to recreate his parent's marriage, but I won't play my role and he hates me for it.

He fits the description of the petulant borderline the best.

I am doing the best I can to keep my kids safe, and teach them healthy ways to handle emotions. I talk to them openly at their level about their dad's illness. If you had told me a year ago I would be considering leaving I wouldn't have believed you. But I also wouldn't have believed how fast he could go downhill.

I realize I sound like an idiot. I'm not, and I'm not a doormat either. I have very strong beliefs that have guided me this far. I don't take marriage lightly, and I'm not trying to decide whether to stay or go looking for another man. If I leave there will be no looking for another man. I'm not scared to be alone. I do love my husband, but I don't even know what that means at this point. Who do I love? I'm not perfect, but my main downfall in this whole situation is my need to understand. I'm finally realizing I may never understand, and it may come to the point I have to decide to leave, still not understanding.

I just need peace. I crave peace.

He's agreed to DBT if we can find a place for him to go. The entire family is making pretty big sacrifices for the treatment he's already had. And yet he just keeps getting worse. I think he's looking for someone to "fix" him. I can't, and it makes him furious.

Is this something that happens? Is this extinction burst? I'm holding my ground, but nothing seems to get better. Why the rapid decline? It started before he stopped working, so I don't think that's the cause, although it has probably contributed.

Sorry for the novel. Thank you for reading and any input or advice!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hey,

You've been some time with us, but I think you haven't told your story before. I've read it all, and Wow, just wow!

It is really horrible when we can't understand the person we love. When we don't even know who is that person anymore and why or what is it that we love. Been there. We all wish things were simpler. To love someone "just because", and to give and receive affection in a natural, flowing way. Ir sounds so easy and simple, why can't we have that? Right?

But no, we need to read ten books and do a hundred technics just to know what's going on, and we don't seem to get a satisfactory answer. We live in a different world. I bet people around you can't begin to picture what you are going through.
But, to me, it helps that here, there are. Nothing is alien when you tell it here. We know what you mean. We know how unbearable it is, and we know you took it all and you fought to stay and raise a family, just as we try to do. Why? We can't explain it completely, but we get it, we do the same.

You don't sound like an idiot at all. Although we all feel like that when we tell our story. You sound smart and strong, and your head is not on the clouds. You also sound compasionate and loving and hard working. That's how you sound. 

I hope DBT helps him and all of you. It really sounds complicated and you've taken a lot of pain and rejection. I hope your kids and other people around you give you a lot of love.

He sounds very lost. The feeling that they are not in control is very powerful for them, and they grab any ilusion of control as if their life depended on that. It is an obssesion, a fixation beyond logic or reason. When they have an emotion that is unbearable for them, ending that takes priority ("anything to numb the pain" and all the people around, it's like we are not even real for them.

For instance, my SO is anorexic, because that gives her the illusion of control and identity, but it is killing her, and alienating her from everyone and everything. But, her need is so strong that it is more important than anything. She would ditch me in a second if I was to make her choose between the illness and me. So I have to watch her die slowly, and listen to her talk about her "fantasy", and hope things will improve in time for her to live through this.

We have all the right to say "I won't tolerate this anymore", and yet, we stay. Because we had a glimse of their suffering, and it must be even worse than ours, and they didn't ask for it either.

I wish I could give you practical advise, you seem to know your share. It never hurts to refresh the lessons and basic tools, and conciously taking care of ourselves too.

Please, keep us posted, and I wish you the very best.

[Tattered Heart]

Wow, that's quite a story. I think you are brave to try to give things a chance again. I can relate to quite a bit of your story. My H goes through manic phases too. They don't last as long as your H's but there are times when I've been close to hospitalizing him because he gets so out of control of himself. The most recent last one he believed we were possibly in another dimension. We also bought a farm last year as my H's life long dream. This week my H also agreed to start DBT.

Your H is probably serious about starting DBT. I think often the pwBPD realizes how out of control they are of themselves and they finally see that they need help. It could possibly be a race for time though. Once life straightens out again, their need for help could disappear. How long will it be before you can get into DBT? 

One thing I've learned over the last year is that the peace we crave comes from within ourselves. I know that sounds cliche. But I've found that if I cannot create my own peace despite my H's issues then my whole life becomes absorbed and controlled by him. The way I have found that seems to work the best for me, is to give up all control of his behavior. My H basically does whatever he wants or doesn't want to do and I go about my life. If he doesn't want to enjoy life, then he doesn't have to. I'm going to keep doing me. Sadly, he gets left behind often but I remind myself that is his choice. I frequently feel like a single person out in the rest of the world.

Have you looked at getting T for yourself? It can really help you find your own values and learn to live those out in your life. When you are true to who you are, you'll find that you get much more satisfaction out of life.

I like this workshop on How to Take Care of Yourself . I hope you can find some ideas on things that you can do for yourself to help you find a peace that surpasses all understanding.

[Graceinaction]

Somewhere in there I still love him, but I do fight bitterness. He was an entirely different person when I married him. But I think that's common. Otherwise most of us wouldn't have gone on a second date!

I have no idea when he can start DBT. We lost our private insurance in May, and we're trying to find DBT that will either take Medicaid or we can afford. He was set up to start before we lost our insurance, back in January, but they canceled the classes!

I was in counseling for 4 years but I had to stop in May. I will start looking at finding a new counselor when he's done with Partial Hospitalization and then Intensive Outpatient. Right now it's very hard juggling the kids, my part time job, homeschooling, and all of the doctor appointments for him and our two oldest kids. But in a month or so I'll find time!

Tomorrow we have a "family session" for his partial hospitalization program. To be honest I'm dreading it. Even if it goes well, based on past experience he'll probably freak out about it later. He does NOT like his doctors/ therapists getting input from me. But at the same time he occasionally demands I go to his appointments. He wants me to be there, he prefers me to do the talking, then he gets angry later. I'm used to this pattern.

I do try to take care of myself. I really do try. It'll get easier as the kids get older. It would just be nice to have a husband that hasn't taken everything from our marriage away. Very little sex (maybe 5-6 times a year,) no date nights any more. He wouldn't even take me out for our 10 year anniversary last month. Little affection. No conversations. There's just very little left. We both know why. He feels that giving to the relationship gives me control. He thinks if he buys me flowers or takes me to dinner he's giving me power over him. We've talked about it and he's admitted that in the past before things got to this point that I never took power. I've never had any desire to control him. But he operates from that standpoint in every area now. Every single interaction is a power struggle. His parents are the same way, but his mom seems to be more aggressive. So maybe he thinks I'll be like her? I don't know. He agrees I am nothing like her. He definitely didn't marry a woman like his mother! I think he would've been happier because by now he'd have the same marriage as his parents. As it is we're getting close. I've fought hard but I'm noticing changes. I'm losing my care. I'm just tired of drama.

[pearlsw]

I didn't post this in conflicted, because even though I think I'm getting there, I'm trying to hang in. This is the closest my husband has come to getting treatment, and it seems stupid to walk away now. Though I may have to in order to save the rest of us if he continues getting worse despite treatment.

How do you find the strength to keep trying in a marriage that has been so rocky? I want to keep trying, but I feel like I'm at the end of how much I can take. That's saying a lot.

I'll give you the rundown, but it's not a pity party, just so you understand my story... .

I realize I sound like an idiot. I'm not, and I'm not a doormat either. I have very strong beliefs that have guided me this far. I don't take marriage lightly, and I'm not trying to decide whether to stay or go looking for another man. If I leave there will be no looking for another man. I'm not scared to be alone. I do love my husband, but I don't even know what that means at this point. Who do I love? I'm not perfect, but my main downfall in this whole situation is my need to understand. I'm finally realizing I may never understand, and it may come to the point I have to decide to leave, still not understanding.

I just need peace. I crave peace.

He's agreed to DBT if we can find a place for him to go. The entire family is making pretty big sacrifices for the treatment he's already had. And yet he just keeps getting worse. I think he's looking for someone to "fix" him. I can't, and it makes him furious.

Is this something that happens? Is this extinction burst? I'm holding my ground, but nothing seems to get better. Why the rapid decline? It started before he stopped working, so I don't think that's the cause, although it has probably contributed.

Sorry for the novel. Thank you for reading and any input or advice!

Hi Graceinaction,

So sorry to hear all you have gone through. I do not think you are an idiot. I can relate to feeling like I was cautious (but also misread /downplayed signs) and yet ended up being in a much more difficult/complicated life situation/relationship than I realized I was getting into.

I am worried that your husband is declining so much and is so controlling. I hear that you on the fence a bit, you want to stay a bit longer, but you long for peace. If you were to try to get out would you be able to be safe? This safety factor is certainly a complicating for those of us in these very dark situations.

I think one of the really hard things about these kinds of relationships is we really can't count on the other person to get treatment or improve. You do at least have a diagnosis and he is getting some medication. There are just going to be hard periods in life, there seems to be no way entirely around this. Since you have kids you will always be connected to this in some way. Sigh. I wish I had something more to offer than my support for you and my recognition that you are not an "idiot" or a "doormat". I can relate. I am not either! And yet, I have found myself in quite a pinch with this type of relationship.

Be assured it is not "stupid" at any time to walk away from this kind of situation if you reach that point and want to make such a choice. I get that. It is not easy. But you do have us here! Many of us can relate how hard these relationships are and how draining they are. So, let's focus on the part we can have some affect on - how you are feeling. I just want to say that you are an admirable person and mother! You worked so hard to get your education and find good work in life! You tried to make dreams come true by buying a farm - that is also admirable and interesting! You do what you can to protect your kids, and that is so important! You have a lot going for you!

I think you push forward by just being you! You have always pushed forward! That is who you are in life! You don't let life defeat you even in the hardest of circumstances, but like anyone you need something in return to keep your tank full! So, how can fill up that tank again? What makes you laugh? feel happy? gives you hope? You have given me some hope by hearing your inspiring story of overcoming so many obstacles in life! Take care ms. grace!

[pearlsw]

Also, about the "not understanding" you mentioned... .this reminded me of a concept in buddhism. It is called "not-knowing". If you like, take a look here and see this small practice you can do to help become comfortable with not knowing. https://jackkornfield.com/practice-dont-know-mind/  If for some reason they remove this link you can just use the search terms "buddhism" and "not knowing" and see what comes up.

I have found over the years that recognizing that I cannot understand everything or apply logic to everything is actually quite freeing.